Seriously: "Accolades not important to Cuddyer"

Articles like this are what make me kind of dislike Michael Cuddyer.

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- Michael Cuddyer led the Twins last year in home runs, while finishing second on the team in doubles, third in hits and fourth in RBIs. But that, of course, wasn't the most impressive aspect of his breakout season. That part came in less than a month, when a mid-September back injury put slugger Justin Morneau on the shelf for the rest of the season.

More impressive than leading the Twins “Last year in home runs, while finishing second on the team in doubles, third in hits and fourth in RBIs?!?!” Do tell.

At that point, heading into Sept. 13, the Twins found themselves two games below .500 and 5 1/2 games behind the division-leading Tigers with 20 games -- eventually 21, actually -- left to play.

On the 14th day of September, God created Cuddyer.

You know the story thereafter: Cuddyer filled in for Morneau at first base -- a position at which he had only played 46 career games prior -- and batted .325 with eight homers in his last 21 contests to lead the Twins to a postseason berth nobody thought they had any business capturing.

Um, yeah. A very nice job moving to the easiest defensive position in baseball for 21 games, Michael.

But then came the results of the voting for the American League Most Valuable Player, an award superstar catcher Joe Mauer was a lock to win. Cuddyer -- he of a .276 batting average, 32 home runs, 94 RBIs and a heroic September -- ended up with just one eighth-place vote and one 10th-place vote.

The “heroic September” button on my calculator doesn’t work, so I’m not sure how to quantify that statistic. The other three statistics (there are only three) appear slightly above average for a corner outfielder/first-baseman. Then, of course, factor in the -16.9 UZR and you have a very average player.

Two votes -- that's it?

Ah, that’s about right, actually.

That's how it is for Cuddyer, the longest-tenured member of the Twins and one who's constantly overshadowed by the presence of Morneau and Mauer in the lineup.

That’s just not right. Michael Cuddyer has been friendly, preformed magic tricks, and even undertook the grueling defensive task of first-base for a month last year. And just because Morneau and Mauer have won MVP Awards, Cuddyer gets overshadowed. Newsflash: Mauer and Morneau don’t even know magic tricks.

But he's just fine with it.

God Bless him.

"I'm not a guy who seeks individual accolades or individual notoriety or any of that stuff," said Cuddyer, who will be in the starting lineup when his club gets started with Grapefruit League games on Thursday, facing the nearby Red Sox at their place beginning at 7:05 p.m. ET. "What drives me is winning. As long as my teammates respect me and my coaches respect me, I'm happy with that."

That’s right. Cuddyer is not one of those seekers of “accolades or individual notoriety.” This is something Mauer and Morneau will never know…because they have both accolades and individual notoriety. If only they would be solely driven by winning, like Cuddyer.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire certainly does.
Minnesota's skipper spoke after Wednesday's workouts at Lee County Sports Complex about how he has no qualms putting Cuddyer in center field in the case of a short-term injury to Denard Span, and Gardenhire reiterated the obvious when he said, "We would've definitely not won our division if it hadn't been for Michael Cuddyer."

Wait. Gardenhire said, “We would’ve definitely not won our division if it hadn’t been for Michael Cuddyer.” And that quote is evidence that Gardenhire has “no qualms putting cuddyer in center field in the case of a short-term injury to Denard Span”? I’m sure there are some qualms.

"He's pretty much top of the line here," Gardenhire added. "[He] doesn't get enough credit for that because he gets outshined by a few people, but not in a lot of people's books. He's right there at the top."

It must be hard managing the 1927 Yankees. With all the outshining players, and what not.

The man Cuddyer ended up being at the end of the 2009 season was the man he was projected to be all along.

The 30-year-old righty-hitting right fielder was the Twins' No. 9 overall Draft pick in 1997. But with the exception of a solid year in '06, he initially didn't live up to the billing, and he hit rock bottom in '08 -- batting just .249 with three measly homers while being limited to 71 games.
That year, Cuddyer dealt with a series of hand injuries, which, as he said, "It's like telling a surgeon to go in there and have open-heart surgery without his eyes. You can't do it."

I hate to say, “He told you so.” But you should have given Hal Rocklage a call.

So, last year, it was all about being healthy -- and, perhaps, selfless.
"Last year, I was able to be healthy pretty much the whole year," he said. "And I think the main thing about having success individually is not worrying about your individual success. You're just strictly worrying about the team, and that's all I really worry about. If we win, I'm happy."

Well, you couldn’t have been that gloomy in 2008. You won 88 games! That’s one more than you did in 2009!

Cuddyer may never point to himself, and there may not be many outside the Twins' clubhouse here at Hammond Stadium that give him much credit. But his teammates sure notice what he brought.

Yeah, poor Cuddyer. Nobody outside of the Twins’ clubhouse likes him. Fans hate his guts.

Especially the one he filled in for so admirably.
"The things he does for this baseball team are amazing," Morneau said. "He's our best baserunner, he comes to play every day, he's definitely one of the main leaders in this clubhouse, he'll play anywhere you ask him to, he'll do anything you ask him to and he loves the game.
"He typifies what it means to be a Minnesota Twin."

Morneau just described every utility infielder to every play in the Majors. When you talk about great baseball players, I doubt “He’s our best baserunner” is how you would start the sentence to list his accomplishments.

And that isn't a half-bad thing to be these days. Not when you consider the reigning American League Central champions currently have a healthy Morneau and Kevin Slowey, plus a new All-Star second baseman (Orlando Hudson) and shortstop (J.J. Hardy) and a potential Hall of Famer on their bench (Jim Thome).

There is nothing to mock in this paragraph. We are going to be awesome.

Cuddyer -- greatly influenced by the likes of Corey Koskie and Doug Mientkiewicz when he came up to the big leagues -- said it's the best team he's been on since he started with the big league club in 2001.

Gosh, I loved those guys.

On paper, at least.
"On paper it looks good," Cuddyer said. "But I'm not one who really gets caught up on paper, because there's been years where we come in and, on paper, it doesn't even look like we're going to finish in the division in the top three, and we go out and win the division."

Truth. I’m finding myself less-and-less cynical as this article gets me more-and-more jacked about the upcoming season.

After a season in which he racked up a career-high in homers, hit for the cycle, blasted two home runs in the same inning, posted a phenomenal September and finished up with a .429 batting average (6-for-14) in three postseason games -- all losses to the Yankees -- in November, the Twins picked up Cuddyer's $10.5 million option for the 2011 season.
The move signified how much the Twins value Cuddyer -- regardless of how MVP voters may feel.

Good for the Twins. Sometimes they give contracts to players that don’t even receive ANY MVP votes! Can you imagine?!?!

"I was hoping to see him get a few more votes [for AL MVP], get the appreciation that he deserves, but, hey, being the guy that he is, he'll tell you he's happy that he just got one vote," Morneau said. "That's not what he plays for."

You know what Cuddyer plays for? Orphans. Cuddyer donates 100 kitten-giggles per win for every orphan in Minnesota.

Nope. What he plays for is this: "When this game is all set and done, as long as my teammates remember that I was a good teammate and somebody they enjoyed playing with, that's what motivates me," Cuddyer said. "That's what I really care about."

So you keep your awards, and money, and fame. Cuddyer will put his pants on one leg at a time and cherish the respect he has earned and the wins he as been apart of…and nurturing unicorns back to health with effort-accumulated rainbow-dew-drops.

RETRO BALLPARKS!!! WEEEEEE!!!!!!

Isn't it cool how retro the Ranger's Ballpark in Arlington looks? Just kidding. It looks ridiculous. I've never been there, but on TV it looks like the different sections are in a competition to look the most retro.

As it has been pointed out:

The stadium is a mismatched collection of counterfeit parts: You can make out
bits of Camden Yards (the red-brick exterior and general air of ye olde ballpark), Tiger
Stadium (the home run porch), Yankee Stadium (the frieze), Fenway Park (the
out-of-town scoreboard, since removed, that was built into the left-field wall), Comiskey Park (the arched
windows), Ebbets
Field (the quirks of the outfield dimensions, in this case wholly artificial).

I like the history of baseball as much as the next guy. But when your ballpark purposely obstructs views and has unnecessary quirks in the outfield as an offering to the god of baseball history, it's just fraudulent.

So, I'm glad Target Field is awesome. Because let's be honest, it could have not been very good and we would have been happy. Anything other than the Hubert H. would have been an improvement and, therefore, satisfactory.

Target Field raises your "retro" with a "unique." Yeah, we're doing the exterior of our stadium with mother f****** limestone. What are you gunna do about it? It's from Minnesota, it looks awesome, and it's never been done before. What.

There, of course, is more awesomeness to TF than this blog can handle. So if you are interested, make sure you check out the Twins Ballpark 2010 link on our page.

In TB2010's last post it talked about seat prices. They look pretty good, but obviously quite a bit higher than the dome. I know the dome sucks to watch baseball in, but...boy those seats were cheap. Perfect for a poor college student.

Now tickets are a bit more expensive, but who cares!!!! I mean, do you really have to pay back student loans?

Oakland A's not so sure this steroid testing is such a good idea

They were having so much fun before the MLB went all party-pooper and changed the steroid testing policy in 2005. :( From 1999-2005 the club had a .581 winning percentage, four playoff appearances and three division championships. Sure beats the previous six years in which they posted a .445 winning percentage with four last place finishes.

Of course, we have all heard the story on why this transformation took place. Billy Beane out-smarted everyone by using geeky statistics! Take that, Baseball Establishment!!!!

And Beane does deserve a lot of the credit. Whenever you make decisions with better information than other people, you are going to have an advantage...but also, steroids.

You see, Jason Giambi and Miguel Tejada were Oakland's best players during the boom years. Also, they loved themselves some steroids.

From 1999-2001 Giambi averaged 127 RBI a year. He had an OPS+ of 153 in '99 and led the league the next two years in that category with 187 in '00 and 198 in '01. He won the MVP in 2000 and placed second in 2001

From 1999 to 2003 Tejada averaged 110 RBI a season. That's higher than every shortstop in baseball not named Alex Rodriguez. He won the 2002 MVP.

So yeah, (A x B)/ C

...Then steroids.

And the A's have been good at steroids years before Beane ascended to GM. Remember the Bash Brothers?

No, not those Bash Brothers. These Bash Brothers

How cool were they? Mullets. Cool sun glasses. Home Runs. That's the awesome trifecta right there. They probably dated a bunch of bikini babes too. Bastards.

And those bats are their actual game bats. They didn't have photoshop back then so they have to be the real thing.

So, the A's are probably the best team ever at steroids. The Twins, however? Yeah, we suck at it. Juan Rincon? That's it?

Sometimes people bring beach balls to the Metrodome

Isn't that fun?!?! I know my two year old nephew loves hitting beach balls up in the air.

...Then he bangs a fork on the table and poops his pants...because he is a small child. Apparently those that bring beach balls to baseball games are like-minded.

I really do not get these people. I mean, the wave and throwing program paper airplanes are similarly infantile. But these acts of baseball malfeasance are acts of passion. Kids get bored and make paper airplanes. Teenage boys crave attention and try to start the wave. But bringing a beach ball to a baseball game with the intent to inflate? Well, that shit is premeditated.

Let me tell you a story of a time when Iwitnessed the complete life of a beach ball at the Metrodome. There was a beach ball in play. I don't remember if I audibly expressed annoyance, but I tried to ignore the oohs, awes, and drools, of those fascinated by a colorful sphere that moved clunkily about the crowd. Of course, a usher confiscated the ball, dumb people booed, and I was thankful. Then something inexplicable happened.

There was a couple two rows in front of me. They seemed like a very normal late-twenties or early-thirties Minnesota couple. They were both wearing ordinary jeans and Twins jersey T-shirts. I don't remember which players they were wearing, but because this is my story and you won't know the difference if I lie -- let's say she was wearing a Punto and he was wearing a Radke. They seemed like those kind of people. Oh, and he was probably wearing one of those Dairy Queen give-away hats with the Velcro strap in the back.

Then, before my very eyes, The guy suddenly pulls a deflated beach ball out of his pocket, blows it up, and hits it into the upper general crowd. She smiles him on approvingly.

The most troubling thing about this is that it had to be planned out. Maybe one of them had a beach ball readily available in his or her residence, but or more plausibly, he or she had to go to a store that sells beach balls and actually pay money for one. I imagine their conversation for a beach-ball-at-a-baseball-game went something like this.

Brian: Hey honey. I got to take a little detour. Daddy's got to make a stop.
Nikki: why?
Brian: You'll see
(Brian comes out of the dollar store.)
Niki: what did you get?
Brian: A little something I like to call a "beach ball" BOOYAH!
Niki: You so crazy, Brian
Brian: Hey baby, I just like to have fun.
(Brian and Niki tongue kiss for a few minutes)
Niki: This is gunna be a hoot...beach ball...at a baseball game...I tell, ya.

So, here's hoping Target Field will be a place where people go to ball park to watch baseball. We don't need slides or swimming pools or picnic areas or human waves or beach balls. We just need baseball.

non-Yankees series related notes

-Guess who is leading the National League in batting average? It's our old friend and the world's fastest human, Christian Guzman!! The baseball reference May 15th stat of the day informs us that the WFH also has the most ABs in the majors with out a walk. 101! The next closest is Robinzon Diaz with 30. That's Twins baseball right there.

-Two players that have worn a Twins jersey made this list of the "best recent baseball deliveries." Neshek, of course, takes first place. The other player only pitched six innings for the twins, but is still quite awesome. I'll give you a hint. He rivals the Big Sweat for the fattest faced Twin.

-Denard Span has to be leading the majors in 3-2 counts. I know there is a way to use the internet to confirm this, but... I'm real busy. Paperwork and what not. So there is five blog points for anyone that actually finds the stats on this.

-We here at AH! have a rich history of providing the public with compelling optical illusions. In this spirit, we are happy to report that according to the American Institute of Physics, "The three best visual illusions in the world were chosen at a gathering last weekend of neuroscientists and psychologists at the Naples Philharmonic Center for the Arts in Florida." I bet it was quite a party.

The winning entry attempted to demonstrate why the curve ball is so hard to hit.

This year's winning illusion, created by Arthur Shapiro of Bucknell University
in Pennsylvania, may explain this phenomena. His animation shows a spinning ball
that, when watched directly, moves in a straight line. When seen out of the
corner of the eye, however, the spin of the ball fools the brain into thinking
that the ball is curving.

So as a baseball flies towards home plate, the
moment when it passes from central to peripheral vision could exaggerate the
movement of the ball, causing its gradual curve to be seen as a sudden jerk.

-Friends, we really need to talk about this.

The Montauk Monster is gunna git ya! Well, maybe not this particular one. It looks quite dead and bloated. But still be on the lookout. Look at that thing. That is one mangy, mangy, beast. There are many theories on the identification of this animal. The most plausable, as wikipedia reports, is "or perhaps a science experiment from the nearby government animal testing facility, the Plum Island Animal Disease Center"

Now we're getting somewhere. This creature is clearly the creation of some mad scientist. I suspect this guy:
Look at him. There is no way he's not trying to raise an army of mutant monsters to take over the world. He's clearly mad, and judging by the lab coat and bow tie, is in fact a scientist. He must be stopped.

-Baseball's former bottom prospect, Phillip Snodgrass, has officially announced his retirement. He did not speak to reporters but did release this statement:

This is such bull-crap

His surprising retirement is undoubtedly linked to this startling development:

Detroit Tigers stream of consciousness

Let's do a stream of consciousness narrative on the Detroit Tiger coming to town.

I have never been to Detroit, but by all reports, it sucks at being a good city. I imagine it as a post-apocalyptic prison-city. Like in the not too distant future the powers-that-be decided to wall in the city and lock the nations criminals and a falsely accused Kurt Russell inside. This prison-city would be run by a well organized group of feral children that have an insatiable hunger for rodent-flesh. The only mode of transportation in Detroit is rafts assembled out of rotting human corpses to maneuver the blood filled streets. The only rule in Detroit is that THERE ARE NO RULES! How am I doing, those of you who have been to Detroit? Close?

I often hear the word "blighted" when describing Detroit neighborhoods. I love that word. It sounds like a British swear. Like, "Mumsy, the blighted tele is on the fritz a-gain, idnit?" I would feel bad for those people that live in Detroit that are reading this, but thankfully for me, they don't have the internet in Detroit.

I'm assuming Armando Galarraga is related to the Big Cat. They play baseball and they have the same last name. What other conclusion can you come to?

Curtis Granderson sure is likable. That's probably why a part of me doesn't like him. Sometimes Daryl Strawberry sits on the opposite shoulder that Michael Cuddyer is on and makes me dislike good guys and root for high-tallent but low-character guys.

Cuddyer: Golly, isn't that Granderson a great guy? I bet he's a terrific teammate.
Strawberry: Pssssst. I won a World Series with half a kilo of coke concealed in my rectum.

So, it's not surprising that I kind of like Miguel Caberra. He's got a ton of talent but chose to eat himself out of being a contributing defensive player. I can relate to this. Well, not the talent part. Imagine if the Twins signed a Caberra or Manny Ramirez type player (both have won World Series by the way)?

After a disappointing loss the team would voluntarily run up and down the stadium steps with logs on their shoulders. All the players except for this guy. We'll call him Sloth Awesome. Sloth didn't run the steps with the rest of the team because he had a severe case of "tummy needs nachos." He would say it just like that, too. When the team would return from their run -- keeling over from exhaustion -- they would all fine themselves $100 for not running the steps harder. Cuddyer would cry.

Sloth, however, would fine the Twins organization for not having a appropriate portion of nacho cheese available for the nacho chips he consumed. Sloth would then go on to hit .330 with 50 bombs and the World Series MVP. Cuddy realizes he needs to step up his magic act and makes the Metrodome disappear. This causes Gardy to bench Sloth and give Cuddy his starting job back.

Remember a few years back when Bonderman was a"sleeper for the Cy Young" because he finally figured out a change up. Then he was terrible. Remember when he was at the dome and balked with the bases loaded. How fun was that?

Prediction: Twins sweep.

Screams of sadness

Another Twins loss builds an awful wreckage in my soul. The dark shadows of fourth place torture and torment. An ever deepening sea of ineptness consumes our hopes and dreams. The season is lost. Gone like the dead foliage of Autumn. The pitching rem...

...What the...

uh oh

UH OHHHHH!!!!!

It's utility infielder Jay Canizaro!!! What the heck are you doing here? Wait, let me get this straight. You want to know if we will party with you, Jay Canizaro?!?! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Um...YEAH!" This is awesome. Right, we need tunes. Ahhhh yeah, now this is a party.

This a great party, Jay. WHAT?!? No you DIDN'T, Jay Canizaro. You did not just bust out the limbo stick! I freaking love limbo. Let's do it. Let's find out how low we can go. This is a blast. I don't even remember what I was sad about.

Hells yeah I want some junk food. Let me get a plate. You're right. This is a party. Screw the plate. I am just going to shove the sweaty wad of Cheetos I have in my hand into my mouth! This party is out of control, you guys.

Seriously, do not press "send." Oh my gosh, it's ringing. I can't believe we are prank calling Denny Hocking right now.

HAHAHA. He was all like, "Hello." Then you just totally hung up on him. He doesn't know what is going on right now. He just got Punk'd hard. Man, partying with you, Jay, is exactly what I needed. You want to take the furniture out on the street and start it on fire? You're right. That's a bit overdoing it.

What's that, Jay? Um...no...I'm not interested in buying any Amway products. Wait, where are you going?

I don't mind when Punto slides into first

I really don't. He thinks it's faster. I have no reason to doubt him. We have to assume that Punto knows better than anyone how fast he is to first base -- either running through the bag or sliding. You might think you know better than Punto, but that's just because your little league coach or some dude that has a blog told you so. But the truth is, you haven't done any time trials on Nick Punto running to first.

I have never played in an organized baseball game (I don't think this league counts), but I understand that you are told from little league to run through first. Scouts say the same thing. It's conventional baseball wisdom. But I suspect this is far more related to preventing injury than getting to the base faster. I'm sure someone, at some point in baseball's long history has tried to do an experiment to determine which method in general is faster, but I haven't seen one. And I definitely haven't seen one specifically for Nick Punto.

The main argument for sliding being slower: friction.

From I Dislike Your Favorite Team:

Now, granted--there are times when sliding into first is a good idea (tag plays)
but generally speaking it is not a good idea. Your feet are two quick moving
contact points--your front of your stomach is simply a drag-causing,
momentum-slowing obstacle. You might think this is obvious. You, probably, do
not drive all around town with the parking brake on, under the assumption that
it gets you places faster.

From Lost Forest After Dark:

However one frustration that will also rise to the top is Nick Punto's
proclivity to slide into first base on close plays. As anyone who has played
baseball or has a rudimentary understanding of physics, sliding into first is
slower than running through the base, not to say anything about greater
possibility of injury while sliding...

...No Nick Punto we don't think
you're a jerk, we just think you are stupid. The evidence is there both at a
theoretical level and based on experience. All your "hard work" and
"personality" can't change the laws of physics.

Mr Punto, your rebuttal?

From the Star Tribune:

I think when you dive, it's quicker, as long as you hit the bag before you hit
the ground, or simultaneously.

Boom. Punto just made the whole stomach-to-ground-friction argument irrelevant. He doesn't slide. He dives. Punto: 1 Physics: 0. Also, you have to hit the bag directly. It's not just a finish line you have to cross. So often on close plays, batters either stretch their foot out to touch the bag or shorten the gate of their last two strides to hit the bag. Both slow you down. And diving almost eliminates your chances of getting tagged out.

The injury argument is relevant, but if Punto is okay with it, so am I. I can't really fault a role player like Punto for sacrificing his body for something he thinks will help the team. If Joe Mauer wanted to slide head first, well that's a different story.

I guess the main point is people need to relax. I have no idea why his headfirst slide irritates so many people.

So Nick, I'm not usually a big defender of yours, but in this case...Iz got yur back.

Notes: condiments, roster moves, and Korean cartoons

-We are all hoping that the food at Target field will be better than the Metrodome, and I think it will be. But how can we improve the condiment selection? I have the answer, friends. I give you Squeez Bacon!

-On Friday Joe Mauer is coming baaaaaaaaack! They are shining his armor and saddling his white horse as we speak. Unfortunately this means bizmarkie507's man crush, Jose Morales, will be sent back down to his natural habitat in Rochester. He's leading the team in average, OBP, and a very impressive line drive percentage (32.1%), but his demotion is really the only move the team can make.

Despite Morales' lack of defensive deftness, I'm sure a handful of Major League teams would take him over their starting catcher right now. He has hit .322 in his last 611 ABs between AAA and the Majors. So, hopefully he'll still get some time with the big league club this season. He's done a nice job as the third catcher -- filling the huge shoes left by Chris Heintz.

-19th century baseball stat of the day: In 1875 Al Spalding's win-loss record was 55-5. Years later Spalding's sneaker, "Hakeem the Dream" was invented. The rest is history.

-Jaun Morillo is fascinating to watch. Obviously he throws really hard, but everyone watching him, including himself, has no idea where the ball is going to go. I'm not sure I have seen this from a Twins pitcher before. When Morillo pitches the catcher just puts his glove in the exact middle of the strike zone every time and hopes he can get close. Very entertaining.

Sure, he has a 22.50 ERA, but it's a low 22.50. It's really more like a 22.49 if you think about. Plus it's kind of fun to say "Morillo." If middle-school-me (who based pitching ability exclusively on velocity) were writing this, he would tell you that the Twins should keep the flamethrower when Jesse Crain comes back and send down R.A. Dickey. Then middle-school-me would laugh about writing "Dickey."

-Let's play a game I like to call Create-a-Translation. The real translation is funny in its own right, and I'll post it later, but let's dust off our Korean dictionaries and give it a shot.

Here's mine:

Dimitri: Brother, your tendency to ground ball has brought the shame of a thousand broken waterfalls to our family

Delmon: Brother Meathook, your talk gives me the many angers! Let this bat break with violence to show the feelings in me!

Give it a try. It's fun.

Actual Translation:

Dimitri: “Because your face looks exactly like mine, you will be a great star!!”

Delmon: “No! My appearance is not like that!!!”

“DNA can’t be cheated!!”

“Po-jik” (Korean breaking sound)

Caption: “Purveyor of dirty personality!!”

An important message from Joe Mays

Hi folks, Joe Mays here. I have something really important I want to talk you about. Every year thousands of motorists cause accidents by driving while talking on their cells phones. This is just plain dumb. You are not only a hazard to yourself, but a hazard to others. I didn't make it to the 2001 all-star game by driving and dialing. So be smart and...

...Oh, hello

WHAT TH...



*gurgle*

Hellllllo. It's me! The Kinetico Water Systems girl! You might recognize me from the advertisement on the backstop of the Metrodome during the 7th inning.

Boy, sure is unfortunate what happened to Joe Mays just now. I just don't know how he accidentally thrust his neck on to my scissors seven times. Truly unfortunate.

Anyway, watcha doin? You want some water? Do you? DO YOU? good I have some for you. I ran out of regular water bottles so I had to put the water in this bottle of Drano. Also, it looks and tastes like Drano. But that's because it's magic water! It will make you stong. Don't you wanna be strong? DON'T YOU?

Fine, don't have any of my water. Malachi is going to be very disappointed in me.

Live painting: Twins vs Blue Jays 4-15-09

It's very important to express your feelings. It's a fact. I read it on the internet AND I heard it on Tyra. Some people like to do this through written word. I prefer painting. So I have live-painted game ten of this young season.

First inning:

Baker pitches a scoreless first inning to kick off Butch Huskey Day.

Their pitcher looks like a Muppet.

Casilla singles. Morneau doubles. I like where this is going. Kubel gets one in! Flaming Globes of Sigmund! Morneau scores on a passed ball! Twins lead 2-0! I must get this joy from my soul out on to the canvass!

Joy Times Infinity

This is a painting of Alexi and me at space camp wearing cool Hawaiian shirts, drinking beer, and absolutely pounding Froot Loops. And you can't tell from the painting, but the Beach Boys are on full blast in the background. It's impossible to be happier than the events that are transpiring in this painting.

Don't mind us, Rita. We're doing just fine. Your air walk looks great, by the way. You have the NASA issued air walking sandals and everything. Actually there is one thing you could do for us. I know it's mathematically impossible to calculate how happy we are, but can you just try with you calculator watch?

And Carol, don't even try to ruin our fun with your stupid lanyards and unfortunate choice of clothing.

Second inning:

In honor of Scott Bakers scoreless first inning I sculpted his bust into marble. Unfortunately I can't get this three dimensional masterpiece onto your two dimensional computer screen. So I painted a picture of my bust of Scott

Painting of a Scott Baker Bust

I immortalize you into marble and this is how you repay me? With a two run homer to Scott Rolen? See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about, Carol.

Correction: The players are wearing 42 to honor Jackie Robinson and not Butch Huskey. That makes a lot more sense, actually.

Third inning:

Aaron Hill and Vernon Wells hit home runs. I'm going to update my Facebook status to something vague like "is very upset." Then people will have to say things like "Why? what's wrong?" Then I can feel loved.

Denard is on. Kubel is up. I'm sensing a rally coming. This calls for a painting.

Kubism

And a ground out.

Fourth inning:

Well, this isn't fun. However, Lyle Overbay. It's been a couple of years since we talked about Lyle.

Slowey is talking to Baker in the dugout. I think its going something like this: "I'm gunna ask you a question, Scotty. Who's the bigger winner tonight? Huh? Who's the big winner? Scotty wins!"

I would like to take a second to give credit to what Scott Richmond is doing out there tonight. It hasn't been an easy road, but he has persevered. And now Scott Richmond is the first Jim Henson Muppet to make it to the big leagues. I have celebrated this historic event with a portrait of Richmond and singer, actor, and friend of puppets, David Bowie.

Muppet Makes It

You are an inspiration to Muppets everywhere.

Fifth inning:

My feeling on the fifth inning can be summed up thusly

Whispering Solitude

There it is, you guys. This painting is a window into my inner-most thoughts about the fifth inning of this game. You probably don't even get the painting. I'm not surprised. Most of my work is a little too "deep" for people. But there is no way I'm going to dumb it down just to make it more "commercial," or whatever. Seriously, my art is not even about the money.

6th inning:

Lyle Overbay update: Sunday is Lyle Overbay bobble-head day at the Rogers Centre.

Rest of the game:

A bunch of other stupid stuff.

Aaron Hill Being Eaten by Mutant Rats

This is a painting of Aaron Hill being eaten by mutant rats.

Blowing The Wind Back Intta The Dome

-WEEEEEEE. Baseball is fun! I missed the final four innings because MLB.TV went all poopy diapers on me, but I'm not bitter. I'm not.

-I'm glad Gomez is showing some maturity at the plate. But let's hope he doesn't get carried away with this whole maturity thing. I mean, what's next? Is he going to stop smelling the pine tar? A world devoid of Carlos' youthful antics is not a world in which I want to live. But props on the 9th inning BB.

-Mike Redmond told LEN3 before the game that he was, "taped up pretty good." How do you tape a groin muscle strain? More importantly, who's the lucky SOB that gets the job of taping Redmonds groin? It also must be quite awkward for Redmond, being so modest and all.

-R.A.D. was going to play right field in an emergency. In his words he was going to "Babe Ruth it." I also use "Babe Ruth" as a verb, but I use it when I'm about to drink beer and eat an unhealthy amount of meat. Similarly, I use "Tony Batista" as an adjective for "whimsical"

-I don't understand this "You'll miss the Dome next April" noise. Yeah, the weather in April in Minnesota is cold for baseball. But it's still April. If you can't bear being outdoors for an extended period of time in April, then maybe Minnesota isn't the right state for you.

-Kevin Slowey kicks off his Cy Young Award campaign tonight against Carlos Silva. I like our chances. I guess Silva has lost like 50 pounds. Still weighs 2.3 Sloweys.

-Anyone not get enough Metrodome nostalgia? You're in luck because tonight will be the last third game of the season in the Metrodome, the last fist start of the season for Kevin Slowey in the Metrodome, the last first pitch of the third game in the metrodome, the last first out of the first game in the Metrodome, the last...well you get the idea.

Dear Brian Duensing

Hey Brian,

How's it going? I'm pretty good. You know...same old, same old. Can you believe this weather? Crazy, huh?

Anyway, I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I don't think you should start the season with the big league club. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan of yours. We were even college classmates for a semester. Great times, huh? I mean we had great times separately, because we never met, but you know what I mean. I just don't think your stuff is cut out for a bullpen role.

Also, R.A. Dickey throws a knuckle ball. So you understand why I want him on the team. You see, knuckle balls are awesome. Dickey's is extra awesome because he throws it hard. You have both had success this spring, but Dickey did it with one less ligament. And did you know that the metrodome is climate controlled? So, yeah. It's pretty much like a knuckle ball incubator.

So Brian, I hope we can still be friends. But unless you are willing to give up a ligament, learn to throw a knuckle ball, or both...I think it's best you go to Rochester. Don't worry, bud. You'll get your chance.

Your pal,
Soup

5 kinda obscure television characters you might like

And by obscure I mean they cannot be seen on basic cable.

David Brent - The Office
One of my favorite TV characters of all time. I am a sucker for awkward humor. Nobody does this better than David Brent.


Omar Little - The Wire
It takes a lot to frighten inner-city Baltimore drug dealers, but when Omar comes calling they scatter. A shotgun and an indifference to death will do that. And his ghetto version of proper English is wildly entertaining. Omar is the 21st century Doc Holliday.




Leon Black - Curb Your Enthusiasm
In season six of Curb Larry and Cheryl decide to take in the Blacks, a family left homeless by Hurricane Katrina. As an added bonus, Leon Black also moved in...even though he's not a hurricane victim. But Leon does whatever the hell he wants.


Mr. G - Summer Heights High
Summer Heights High was an Australian mockumentary series that only ran for one season. Chris Lilley played the three main characters. Each are great, but the drama teacher, Mr. G, steals the show


Darren Lamb - Extras
Darren is the useless talent manager that struggling actor Andy Millman (Ricky Gervas)somehow got stuck with. Incompetence is always really funny.

Dis and Dat

-Comrade Fidel Castro has gots opinions on the WBC. No points for guessing that he blamed capitalism for Cuba's failures in the tournament.

-I love all my fellow SoDaks that play in the MLB, except for Mark Ellis. And by "all the SoDaks that play in the MLB except Mark Ellis" I mean Jason Kubel. Ellis has the distinction of having the most major league home runs of any player born in South Dakota (70).

Stop laughing.

But, I still don't like him. This disliking stems from when I was 11 years old and he tried to stop my future (and now Alma mater) high school, Lincoln Patriots, from winning the state basketball tournament.

Well, not that any of you probably care about South Dakota high school hoops, but my Pats just went 25-0 and won their first state championship since we beat Ellis' Rapid City Stephens team in 1995. So the Sioux Falls newspaper, the Argus Leader, had this story reminiscing about Lincoln's 1995 championship. This interaction between former Lincoln great, Cliff Toole (what a name), and Ellis makes me laugh.

As it turned out, the pumped-up Pats closed the deal quickly in the finals
against Rapid City Stevens, which knocked off Roosevelt in the semifinals on a
late shot by current Oakland A's standout Mark Ellis...

...At one point, Toole reached up and
swatted an Ellis attempt into the crowd, telling reporters later: "I gave him a
'Shawn Kemp.' Then I stared at him and he said something dumb."

Reminded of those comments this week, Toole shook his head.
"I don't even know what a
'Shawn Kemp' is anymore," he said.

Yeah, Mark Ellis! Yo ass gots "a Shawn Kemp" and den yu did ah "say something dumb"?

-Extreme sheep herding is as cool as you thought it would be


-Sports are fun. Weird sports are really fun.

-Last night I went to the grocery store to buy some pistachio nuts. I was just really craving pistachio nuts. I bought a couple of other things, but the bag of pistachio nuts was the real reason for the half hour expedition to the grocery store. When I got home, however, I discovered that I had accidentally purchased a bag of "glutinous rice coated peanuts." Daddy not happy. What the F are glutinous rice coated peanuts? And more importantly,why do they look the exact same as pistachios?

They do look like pistachios, right?

-We really shouldn't think this is funny.

-And finally..giant sea worms!!!!

White Sox fans: dignified cognoscenti

Well what have we here?




Some White Sox fan took the time to sit down, paint this masterpiece, and put it on the internet for all to see. God bless 'em. Give yourself a second to take it all in. Let the sobering darkness of the artist's soul wash over you. The theme of the inevitability of death dominates your senses, while the Bartolo Colon narrative percolates below the surface. And it has skullllllls!!!!!!!


The three teams that are being crushed by the White Sox Lord of Death are, of course, their biggest rivals. Their biggest rivals are the San Francisco Giants, the Chicago Cubs, and the Texas Rangers. I'm going to join a street gang and have this piece of art painted on the hood my hooptie. Frank Thomas is big!

Breaking News: Gardenhire says nothing new with Mauer's back

Twins' manager, Ron Gardenhire, recently held an online chat with some Twins fans to talk about Joe Mauer's health and other Twins issues. Here is the transcript:

Gardy: First I'd like to say that things are going great right now. The guys are in good shape and are progressing along like they should. I don't have any new information on Joe (Mauer) but when I do, we'll let you know. With that, I'll open it up for questions.

Twinksfan7: Gardy, do you have any new information on Mauer?

Gardy: ...Uh, like I said, no. I don't. We're are waiting for the results from some additional tests.

Paul57: What if Joe is not ready to go?

Gardy: Well, what we do in baseball is have players that back up our starters. So in this case, if Joe is not able to play then Mike Redmond, his back up, will play in his place. When Redmond can't go it will probably be Morales.

Paul57: So, Ramos then? I watched him in spring training and he's the best.

Gardy: No. It will be Redmond. He's the back up catcher.

puntopowa: Okay, I get that. But what if Joe is injured and can't play?

Gardy: Again, Redmond will start

Paul57: But Redmond is the back up catcher, so that doesn't really make sense. Does it?

Gardy: Okay. Remember back when you were in grade school. If your teacher got pregnant she would take time off to have the baby. Then you would have a substitute teacher in her place until your regular teacher comes back.

puntopowa: But what if your teacher is a man?

Gardy: Well then...you know what, let's just move on.

FallOffTable: How is Joe doing right now?

Gardy: You mean since three minutes ago?

FallOffTable: Yeah

Gardy: The same. He's doing the same. Nothing has changed over the three minutes.

FaribaultKid: Michael Cuddyer has played third base in the past. Why don't we move him to third and then sign Barry Bonds to play in the outfield?

Gardy: No.

carl33: Why don't we trade Phil Humber, Brendan Harris, Delmon Young, and Jason Pridie for Hanley Ramirez?

Gardy: Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

gogogadget: Hi Gardy this is Tom. I sent Go Go a fan letter the other day, and I haven't heard back from him. Did he say anything to you about me?

Gardy: No.

JoeF7: Sorry, I'm getting on here late. Is there anything new with Joe?

*Gardy has just signed off*

Alexi eats Froot Loops whenever the hell he wants

From Phil Miller:

Lots of players have various food supplements and power bars in their
lockers, stuff to give them energy. So I laughed when Alexi Casilla reached
up on his shelf and opened a plain-looking plastic bottle this morning -- and
poured a handful of Froot Loops out of it.

Of course Alexi Casilla eats Froot Loops! What did you think he would snack on? A powerbar? Gross. Don't make me puke.

When he wakes up in the morning he does a big stretch and wipes his eyes with his little fists. Then, after he gets ready, it's time to prepare the Froot Loops container. The Froot Loops container is a special container that is exclusively used to transfer Froot Loops. He slowly elevates the bottom of the box. The Froot Loops container waits patiently on the counter-top. Alexi's left hand carefully massages the Froot Loops out of the box. They fall and begin to fill the Froot Loops container. Plink, plink, plink. Once full, He and Froot Loops Container go out to take on the day together.

You see Alexi loves Froot Loops, and I love that Alexi loves Froot Loops. I would like to sit down and eat Froot Loops with him. Out of the box, in a bowl with milk -- whatever. It doesn't matter. The important thing is that Alexi and me would be together doing what we love. In this world, where there is so much uncertainty, eating Froot Loops with Alexi Casilla seems true. I wonder what his favorite color of Froot Loop is. Mine's red.

Carlos Gomez, however, likes Fruity Pebbles. And he hates Froot Loops. Well, he doesn't hate the green ones. But what is he going to do, pick out only the green ones and eat those? He did that once, and it sucked. Carlos also doesn't have time for a special container. He just takes a couple of handfuls of Fruity Pebbles and stuffs them in his pockets. But sometimes he washes his pants with Fruity Pebbles in his pockets. Then he has to call his mom

Mom: Hello?
Carlos: I need new pants
Mom: Who is this?!?!
Carlos: Carlos. I need new pants.
Mom: Oh, hello Carlos. Wait, you just got new pants. What happened to your new pants
Carlos: Dunno
Mom: Carlos, did you wash your pants with the Fruity Pebbles again?
Carlos: Yeah, but I didn't mean to.
Mom: Alright, I'll get you new pants, but you have to be careful when you are washing your clothes.
Carlos: Okay. Thanks.
Mom: Do you need any new underwear?
Carlos: MOMMMMMM!!!!

Sometimes Carlos and Alexi get in arguments over their favorite cereals. Alexi doesn't mind Fruity Pebbles, but feels like he has to hate them because Carlos likes them. They are friends but also arch nemisises. They are frienemisises. Their arguments over cereal are very passionate and Latin like this:

Carlos: SPANISHSPANISH SPANISH FRUITY PEBBLES SPANISH SPANISH!
Alexi: SPANISH FROOT LOOPS SPANISHSPANISH SPANISH!

Then Mike Redmond walks through the door. The live studio audience goes crazy. Once the audience calms down he says, "You bring up a good point Carlos, but there are other factors to consider besides how crunchy the cereal is." The audience is stunned because they didn't know Redmond understood Spanish. Then he winks into the camera, and the audience smiles and claps. Then Gomez and Alexi wrestle because they are still mad.

Over time, the two learn to accept each other's differences and understand the value of diversity.

But seriously, you guys. One of you Northfieldites (Northfieldians?) needs to call one of your Malt-O-Meal hookups and get this man some Tootie Fruities.

Things that make me feel old

Twitter makes me feel old. I guess I just don’t get it. It’s like a text message or email, but shorter and more often. Not interested. And the verbiage is very confusing. I went to Justin Morneau’s Twitter page. So, did I twitter him? Did he twitter me? Was there any tweeting involved? And I’m totally serious when I say that I don’t completely understand what an RSS feed is.

Being older than professional athletes makes me feel old. When you’re a kid you want to grow up to be Dan Gladden or Chris Carter. But then, before you know it, it happens. You’re grown up and you’re not Dan Gladden or Chris Carter. I’m probably over-thinking this, but I remember the moment when I noticed this hero-to-peer transition take place. It was my first semester of college, and I was watching Lebron James play high school basketball on national television.

I’ve gotten over the initial shock of being older than these millionaires that play sports to entertain me, but it still makes me feel old. And seriously, how am I older than Delmon Young? Come on, he’s 23 years old and he’s already got early-onset-Vlad-Guerrero-trying-to-run-syndrome.

Grown ups being born later than 1990 makes me feel old. There are 19 year olds running amok in this world that never lived in the 80s. They can vote and everything. In this year’s MLB draft there will be many draft picks that were not even alive when David Hasselhoff brought down the Berlin Wall. Grown up suburbanites are starting to have fake names. This makes me feel old. You’re a grown woman and your name is Jordynn? J-O-R-D-Y-N-N? That’s ridiculous. I know it’s not your fault, but what were your parents thinking? Your mom was probably like, “You know what would be really fun? If we like named her Jordan, but totally spelled it fun and crazy?!?!” Then your stupid mom probably tried to write an emoticon on your birth certificate. This isn’t your church softball team, lady. It’s a child. And your child deserves a real name, not something that floated to the top of you’re Alpha-Bits cereal.

The current state of hip-hop makes me feel old. I used to like an occasional hip hop song. Now I find the rap music scene laugh-at-it funny. I’m not sure if rap is getting worse or if I’m just becoming more comfortable with my inner curmudgeon.

Twins thoughts from the weekend

The Friday game was only on the radio. I listened to it drifting in and out of a nap, so I don't have a lot to offer that the box score wouldn't tell you.

-I do know that Wilson Ramos gun runners like what. He gunned down two runners and John Gordon sounded quite impressed by his arm.

-The latest player to be dubbed our "Third baseman of the future, " Danny Velencia, went 2-2.

-The "Pride of Belle Fourche" (No, Jason Kubel. Why would you assume four-time PRCA world champion bareback rider, Marvin Garrett?) hit a dinger.

I watched Saturday's game at 3AM on Sunday after a night of mild consumption. At the time I thought it would be a good idea to take notes on the game. Yeah, they're mostly indecipherable.

-The Yankees broadcast was okay, but there were a couple of things:

• On Nick Punto playing for Italy in the WBC - "If you've ever eaten at Olive Garden, you're on the Italian team." You live in New York and you're making fun of Italian Americans? Good idea. You better double the security on your race horse.
• On the Metrodome being loud - " You left there and your ears were ringing for days. Literally for days. That’s not hyperbole" No, that's exactly what hyperbole is. If your ears are literally ringing for days you should go to the hospital.
• Yankee’s trivia question: "Justin Morneau was the 2006 AL MVP. Which player came in 2nd?" Tough one. I assume Derek Jeter is the answer to every Yankee trivia question.

- Kubel, Buscher, and Young continue to rake. I've ranted on the Young/Cuddyer thing before, but I can't help myself. Through seven meaningless at bats a piece, Young has six hits (one double) and Cuddyer has one. Now, most people say that this is too small of a sample size to draw any conclusions. Not me. I only needed seven AB's to conclude that Young should be the starting right fielder, and the idea of trading him is ridiculous.

Last year, Young was 22 years for almost the entire season. He hit .290/.336/.405. What was Cuddyer doing when he was 22 years old? He hit .222/.300/.333 in 18 Major League AB's. To date, at 23, Young has 106 extra base hits. At the same age, Cuddyer had 13.

Cuddyer has said that he is more motivated than ever this year. And he might not be as vocal about it, but I think Young is too. Apparently Young worked hard this off-season and is in great shape. This is probably the first time the 23 year old has ever had to really prove he deserves a starting job. So, here's hoping Young plays a little inspired. Here's hoping both these players get a little cold-blooded over this competition and bring out the best in each other.

-Other "notes" I took:

• "Oh, great. Jeter hit a sacrifice fly. Somewhere Joe Buck is standing and starting a slow-clap."
• "Nice 4-6-3. Suck it Nick Swisher. Stop smiling. You look like an eight year old that just heard the word "penis."
• "Gomez hit's into a double play? Yeah, right. Totally safe." In 702 MLB AB's he's grounded in seven double plays. Just sayin.

Yeah, I'm not going to do Sunday's game. This got long enough.