Thursday, April 30, 2009

Twins Walk-up Music 2009

What's that catchy tune they're playing while Denard swaggers up to the plate? I've been trying to figure it out, but as it turns out, I'm out of touch when it comes to new music. Instead, I just e-mailed Twins audio guy Kevin Dutcher, who was kind enough to present us this list of songs he plays for each Twin. The players requested these songs, and to figure out why, we've decided to dig into the lyrics.

Denard Span
- Jay-Z and T.I. - Swagga Like Us

Pertinent Lyric:
Lookin' from the surface it may seem like I got reason to be nervous
Then observe my work and see that my adversity was worth it!

Brendan Harris - Kid Rock - Bawitdaba, Linkin Park - Faint

Pertinent Lyric:
I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can, but sometimes I don't make sense!

(about his struggles to turn the double play)

Brian Buscher - AC/DC - Shoot to Thrill, Dierks Bentley - Lot of Leavin' to Do

Pertinent Lyric:
lovin’ me might be a long shot gamble
So before you go and turn me on
Be sure that you can turn me loose

No one's favorite Twin, and they're not afraid to turn him loose.

Joe Crede - Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls

Pertinent Lyric:
On the fight, for they are right? yes, by who's to say?

When Crede played for the White Sox, this must have gone through Crede's head before each game: I fight on for the White Sox, but is this right? Who is to say? *sigh* .....I should be playing for the Twins.

Carlos Gomez - Arcangel - Yo Soy el Mejor, Tito el Bambino - Reto, Wisin y Yandel - Fuera de Base, & Daddy Yankee - El Jefe

Pertinent Lyric (rough translation)
Toletera and strength as BertrĂ¡n Sosa Rabid cat, cut Mafia Of all the Latin is the most powerful In the case of malicious batting (Boom!) Cuida'o with foul

Rabid cats, malicious batting, mafia and foul balls. It makes sense to Carlos Gomez, and that makes sense to me.

Jason Kubel - Beastie Boys - Sabotage, Motley Crue - Shout at the Devil

Pertinent Lyric:
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In Here 'Cause Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear

Yeah, this is a great song, but I'm struggling to see how it relates to Kubel. Someone sabotaged his knee in the Arizona Fall League?

Justin Morneau - AC/DC - T.N.T.

Pertinent Lyric:
On your colored TV screen

Flat screen TV's aren't really televisions at all; they're technically 'displays,' or 'monitors'

Nick Punto - MJ - Thriller

Pertinent Lyric:
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes

Noooo, not the Kinetico Water Systems Girl! AAArrgh!

Mike Redmond - Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off

Pertinent Lyric:
We don't have to take our clothes off
To have a good time

Naked catcher. We get it.

Delmon Young - Lil Wayne - Show Me My Opponent, Asher Roth - I Love College

Pertinent Lyric:
Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again.

Baseball players and college the life.

Michael Cuddyer - Whiskey Falls - The Champ, Goody Mob - Cutty Buddy

Pertinent Lyric:

there's always a new kid coming to town
Looking for ways to try and knock him down
They got hungry eyes and a passion that burns
Chomping at the bit to get their turn

Luckily for Cuddyer, none of the new kids will be knocking him down, because he is Gardenhire's Cutty Buddy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Kinda obscure cartoons.

Some kinda obscure cartoons you may or may not remember.

There are shows from our childhood that everyone remembers. Who could forget when the Beagle Boys kidnapped Gyro Gearloose and used his telaportation ray to steal Uncle Scrooges money. Or when the Rescue Rangers crash landed in the BooBoo forest and they thought Dale was a god because he fell out of a flying machine. But, there are many other shows that have gone by the way side in this hustle and bustle world. With this being the last year in the Metrodome and everyone looking back over the past 20 some years, I guess it just tickled my nostalgia bone.

Street Sharks. Cashing in on the popularity of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this show focused on 4 surfing brothers are kidnapped by the evil Dr. Paranoid and have their DNA spliced with various species of Sharks. Dr Paranoid didn't stop with just the brothers. He also made his own underlings, Slobster and Killamari (can anyone say Beebop and Rocksteady?) This show was a total rip off, and other than the names of the characters (Ripster and Big Slammu being a couple), and the fact that they literally swam though pavement to get where they were going, it offered little. They did have one of the best catch phrases though "Jawesome! To the Xtreme!"

Eek! And the Amazing Thunderlizards. This show was one of my favorites back in '93. Not because of the hapless Eek, or his fat girlfriend. But for the Thunderlizards segment. The Thunderlizards were a group of dinosaur commandos hell bent on destroying all of human kind. All 2 of them, Scooter the inventor and Bill. (How did they reproduce?) No matter how hard the Dino's tried, they could never catch the fairly dumb humans. HUMANS RULE!

Wild West C.O.W. Boys or Moo Mesa. This one was a real gem, a comet hits in the old west town of Moo Mesa, giving all the animals opposable thumbs and the ability to speak English. The C.O.W. boys (Code Of the West) were deputized by Sheriff TerriBULL-o and answered to mayor BULLoney. This show was just a walking punchline, everyone had some silly name that had something to do with cows in it. The Boys tangled with the likes of the Wild BULLies, and the Gila Hooligans, which was made up of lizards.

Battletoads. You may remember the game, but do you remember the show? It was launched as a direct competitor to TMNT, but with little success. A super scientist from space lands in California and turns 3 nerds into super fighting amphibians. (Is anyone else sensing a trend?) They must fight the evil dark queen and her beast police to protect the good princess Angelica whose amulet has the power to conquer the universe. This one didn't catch on quite like the Turtles.

Biker Mice From Mars. Trying to capture the fading glory of TMNT, Marvel comics launched this show about 3 rough and tumble brothers who while trying to escape the Plutarkians, who were greedy and ravaged their home world, crash through the score board of Wrigley field and hook up with Charly, the saucy lady mechanic who helped them fix and build new and better bikes and weapons. While this one was violent, edgy and just plain fun, it also had a message about saving the environment. And look at how bad ass they were!

The mice enjoyed a slight renaissance in the mid 2000's when the original episodes were re-aired in an attempt to stir up excitement for another run in 2006, but financing problems kept that on the back burner and when it was finally released in late 2007 it was to little fan fare. But did become a big hit in Scandinavia.

Johnny Bravo. This one isn't quite from our child hood, but it was the first cartoon, besides the Simpsons, that I could enjoy as an adult (or I thought I was an adult when I first saw it at 15). Johnny was a total square who lived with his mom and his only friend was an annoying girl scout that lived next door. But he thought he was pretty sweet. He was just a guy on a never ending quest to touch some butt. Something I can totally relate too. It was a more family friendly Family Guy in that Johnny was totally offensive if you understood his jokes, and it was just a parade of pop culture referances. And, to this day I would rather watch Johnny than Peter and the gang any day of the week.

Most of these were total rip offs, but kids are dumb and if you find something that works just pump it down their throats and they will buy all the toys and games.
There are plenty I've missed, forgotten or didn't feel were good enough to reminisce about. But I would like to hear what all of our faithful readers have to say on the subject.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Notes: condiments, roster moves, and Korean cartoons

-We are all hoping that the food at Target field will be better than the Metrodome, and I think it will be. But how can we improve the condiment selection? I have the answer, friends. I give you Squeez Bacon!

-On Friday Joe Mauer is coming baaaaaaaaack! They are shining his armor and saddling his white horse as we speak. Unfortunately this means bizmarkie507's man crush, Jose Morales, will be sent back down to his natural habitat in Rochester. He's leading the team in average, OBP, and a very impressive line drive percentage (32.1%), but his demotion is really the only move the team can make.

Despite Morales' lack of defensive deftness, I'm sure a handful of Major League teams would take him over their starting catcher right now. He has hit .322 in his last 611 ABs between AAA and the Majors. So, hopefully he'll still get some time with the big league club this season. He's done a nice job as the third catcher -- filling the huge shoes left by Chris Heintz.

-19th century baseball stat of the day: In 1875 Al Spalding's win-loss record was 55-5. Years later Spalding's sneaker, "Hakeem the Dream" was invented. The rest is history.

-Jaun Morillo is fascinating to watch. Obviously he throws really hard, but everyone watching him, including himself, has no idea where the ball is going to go. I'm not sure I have seen this from a Twins pitcher before. When Morillo pitches the catcher just puts his glove in the exact middle of the strike zone every time and hopes he can get close. Very entertaining.

Sure, he has a 22.50 ERA, but it's a low 22.50. It's really more like a 22.49 if you think about. Plus it's kind of fun to say "Morillo." If middle-school-me (who based pitching ability exclusively on velocity) were writing this, he would tell you that the Twins should keep the flamethrower when Jesse Crain comes back and send down R.A. Dickey. Then middle-school-me would laugh about writing "Dickey."

-Let's play a game I like to call Create-a-Translation. The real translation is funny in its own right, and I'll post it later, but let's dust off our Korean dictionaries and give it a shot.

Here's mine:

Dimitri: Brother, your tendency to ground ball has brought the shame of a thousand broken waterfalls to our family

Delmon: Brother Meathook, your talk gives me the many angers! Let this bat break with violence to show the feelings in me!

Give it a try. It's fun.

Actual Translation:

Dimitri: “Because your face looks exactly like mine, you will be a great star!!”

Delmon: “No! My appearance is not like that!!!”

“DNA can’t be cheated!!”

“Po-jik” (Korean breaking sound)

Caption: “Purveyor of dirty personality!!”

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Quick Q & A with Batting Stance Guy

If you haven't heard of Batting Stance Guy yet, you need to stop whatever it is that you are doing right now, and either check out his website or his YouTube page. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Okay, are you back? Good. How awesome is that, right? I know, it's great.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Batting Stance Guy, or BSG as the cool kids say, has been making the rounds all over major league baseball. He's been on the MLB Network, ESPN's E:60, and interviewed by the New York Times.

Alright Hamilton! got the chance to sit down with BSG. Well, we didn't get to literally sit down with him, but through the magic of the interwebs he did answer a few questions for us. Since BSG is a man in high demand these days, we decided to not ask the basic background questions, if you want to know those check out the NYT article and this one from Ball Hype.

Let's get it started.

AH: First and foremost, are you good at baseball?
BSG: Well, high school varsity was 1/2 my life ago. Better than people that stink.

AH: Whose stance does your "real stance" most resemble?
BSG: Ryne Sandberg

AH: Did you come up with the name "Batting Stance Guy," or how did that come about?
BSG: Once Bill Simmons ran it on his page for a few weeks a friend said, you should get or something. Done. Thanks Jeff Hetschel.

AH: What would you be doing right now if YouTube didn't exist?
BSG: wow- that really made the difference. uhhh, not having MLB players introducing themselves to me, that's for sure. Not being in slo-mo on ESPN, and not studying Denard Span as closely.

AH: You always seem to have your black whiffle ball bat, how many of those do you have?, do you use a new one for every video?
BSG: Bought a lot of 6 on ebay. knew we'd need to break one in half for the Bo Jackson installment of the Royals video. I guess we didn't have enough left over for the Chili Davis strikeout bat breaking tantrum.

AH: I saw somewhere that you said your favorite team was the "Hrbek Twins," why the Twins and why Hrbek?
BSG: Somehow he became my favorite player in 83-84. I played firstbase and wore 14. Now, I wasn't into Pro Wrestling and didn't name my wrestling alter-ego T-Rex, but thought he was cool. Also- one of the first games I ever attended was at the old Metropolitan Stadium.

AH: Which Hrbek Twins team was your favorite the Hrbek and Gary Ward Twins or the Hrbek and Shane Mack Twins?
BSG: Love the baby blue road jerseys and the TC hats....but the Shane Mack era for sure.

AH: I know it's been talked about, but have you been approached by 2K sports or anybody about doing motion capture for future MLB video games?
BSG: Sony Playstation had me do the motion capturing for MLB '09 The Show. So, in the game, if Aki Iwamura appears to have the skills of a 35 year old college intramural softball player... well...

AH: Speaking of monetizing this "least marketable skill", have you thought of doing your videos in front of a wall with advertisements or anything?
BSG: A good idea. We've tried to have this whole thing be really organic and not become work or burdensome, so everything we've done has been solicited by others. The Twins, Dodgers, Brewers, Angels, Red Sox and Padres all contacted us. MLB Network, ESPN, Fox, Sony, Steiner Sports, Yardbarker & the NYTimes all approached us. Meaning we haven't tried to "milk" this thing for all we can. Trying to have fun with it and go with the opportunities that are presented.

AH: Has anyone ever asked you to imitate their kid's little league stance? I know one of our contributors, Haas, said he would give you a Cristian Guzman ball to imitate him.
BSG: Nice. Once I had a girl in a group ask for a bunch of old Brewers and when I did the requested Jim Gantner they all died laughing because the requester is Gantner's daughter. Hey, let's go Haas.

AH: Have you ever had requests for a players batting stance imitation that you've never heard of?
BSG: Usually, it's some dude saying John McDowell. I say, Don't know him...then the dudes boasts, "HaHa I stumped you! It's my cousin, he's in the Indians farm system." Uh, yeah dude, not really up to speed with the minors.
Hanging with Carlos Quentin, Dexter Fowler, Ryan Zimmerman, Mike Fontenot- they all asked for Jeff Larish and I hadn't seen him yet. He's a great one- dead still.

AH: You've been to every ballpark in Major league baseball. Do you remember the game at the dome and What did you think of it?
BSG: Well, I love it for the 87 & 91 series. The Puckett seat being a different color is great. Personally, I'll always vote for an outdoor stadium. I've probably seen 4 games there.

AH: Do you have any plans to visit the new Target field next year?
BSG: Love to. Remember, all this BSG stuff is just a ploy to get invited to Hrbek's 50th birthday next year.

AH: What were your favorite ball parks and what made them great?
BSG: Wrigley and Fenway for their classic nature. AT&T Park for its beauty. It is unbelievable.
Kaufman reminds me of my Little League field (hills, roads, trees, crowd size).

AH: Be honest, how many Batting Stance Guy Tote Bags have you sold?
BSG: The same number of times you've been to Anoka or Coon Rapids to meet girls.......dozens.

AH: Ron Coomer didn't seem too impressed with your interpretation of his stance, but most of the players seem to like it; have you ran into anyone that took offense to your impression of their batting stance?
BSG: Yesterday in the San Jose Mercury News this was written:
This has been viewed by virtually everyone in the Giants clubhouse, and his Rich Aurilia at the end gets the biggest laughs – except from Aurilia.
“It blows,” Aurilia said. “Everybody else gets a hit but I strike out.”
AH: You've been making the rounds to a lot of big league locker rooms, what team has been the best to be around?
BSG: Still surprised by the "what up" hug from Big Papi and 30 minute conversation with Kevin Youkilis. The Sox were great, but I met almost every Angel last year.

AH: What team sucked the most?
BSG: I had a really awkward conversation with Josh Beckett.

AH: You've been on ESPN and interviewed by the New York Times, besides us at Alright Hamilton!, what has been the best interview, video shoot etc, you have experienced so far?
BSG: Hanging with Papi, Youkilis, Pedroia, etc. was surreal. The MLB Network Reds piece with Barry Larkin & Sean Casey got the best response.

AH: Okay, last question, if your videos had a sound track what would it be?
BSG: Super Mario Bros. Something intrinsically uncool, yet, loaded with nostalgia and you find yourself humming it for years, while laughing.

AH: Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions.
BSG: No problem.

If you can't get enough of BSG, like us at AH! you can follow him on twitter or at his website.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Target Field is really coming together

New Yankee Stadium opened last week to mixed reviews and expensive seats. The $1.5 billion stadium fits the Yankees perfectly: expensive, manicured, snooty; but ultimately, not that great. It's gotten a lot of bad publicity for it's extravagance, expensive seats, obstructed views and it's utter sameness to old Yankee Stadium.

When Target Field opens in a year, it will surely get less national attention, but the reviews will be better. Like the Twins team, Target Field will be cheap, small and awesome.

Other stuff of note:

- The Twins are working with Hormel to develop some sort of replacement for the beloved Dome Dog.

- They'll start installing seats in less than a month.

- Grass will be planted in September.

- I'm dreading the possibility of a large Target brand target in the outfield, but excited that I'll have a chance to win some money if a player hits it.

- The plaza has been redesigned, with small canopies to mirror the large one atop TF. It also has baseball bat-shaped planters with hops growing in it. Seems like a crowded place.

The Thing About The Roof:

Some people will still tell you that the Twins screwed up by not putting a roof on their new stadium. Here are five easy steps to telling those people that they're idiots:

1. A roof would have added another 200 million dollars to the cost of the stadium. The Twins had tried for ten years to get funding for a retractable roof stadium, to no avail. They took the roof out of the plans, and they almost immediately got their public financing.

2. There were three principal architecture firms bidding for the stadium project. Two of them dropped out when they saw the site on which it would be built. All of them would have dropped out had they needed to include a retractable roof, because it wouldn't be able to fit.

3. The Twins won't open the season in early April at home. They won't play many April home games at night either. Yes, there will be some rainouts, but so what? And a roof wouldn't help with the cold weather, as it wouldn't have a heating system.

4. Roofs are ugly. At Miller Park, one feels inside even when the roof is open.

5. Quit being a wuss.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Cat at Wrigley Field

So, I was at the Cubs game last night. It was my first time on a rooftop and it was a delightful experience. I have been to many Cubs games in the past and I actually think I prefer the rooftop over several sections inside the ball park. The rooftop I was on had three levels:

The lowest level had large, floor to ceiling windows that could be opened in the summer. From here you could see about 70% of the field. (the right field wall and foul line were blocked by the stadium itself) On this level they had a buffet with mashed potatos, turkey, chicken wings etc. and a bar).

On the second level was half outside half inside with heaters on the ceiling where you could get hot dogs, brats, pizza, ice cream etc. There was also another bar on this level but it was not open because of the cold weather and the lack of people.

On the third level was where the actually stadium seating was. There was a third bar at the top of this area that was covered and had propane heaters. There are TVs all over the rooftop including ones you can see from the stadium seats, as well as the WGN radio broadcast of the game being played through speakers all over.

But the real excitment came in the fourth inning when a cat ran out on to the field.

There was a collective gasp as the guy picked up the cat by the tail and just dropped him in the stands.

Everyone I was with had a theory of how the cat got onto the field. Almost everyone but me thought someone brought it into the stadium. But who holds on to a cat for four innings and doesn't get spotted throwing a cat onto the field from 15 feet up. Plus they would have to be in the front row of the bleachers, meaning they would have to have gotten to Wrigley 1-2 hrs in advance of when they open the field up so that means they have been with a cat in their jacket for close to 5 hours. Unlikely.

My theory is that it climbed into the stadium at some other point and had been chilling in the bleacher area for a while. Decided it wanted to check out the cubs dugout and catch those rats Ozzie is always talking about, and made a break for it?

Anyone else see this? Any theories?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An important message from Joe Mays

Hi folks, Joe Mays here. I have something really important I want to talk you about. Every year thousands of motorists cause accidents by driving while talking on their cells phones. This is just plain dumb. You are not only a hazard to yourself, but a hazard to others. I didn't make it to the 2001 all-star game by driving and dialing. So be smart and...

...Oh, hello



Hellllllo. It's me! The Kinetico Water Systems girl! You might recognize me from the advertisement on the backstop of the Metrodome during the 7th inning.

Boy, sure is unfortunate what happened to Joe Mays just now. I just don't know how he accidentally thrust his neck on to my scissors seven times. Truly unfortunate.

Anyway, watcha doin? You want some water? Do you? DO YOU? good I have some for you. I ran out of regular water bottles so I had to put the water in this bottle of Drano. Also, it looks and tastes like Drano. But that's because it's magic water! It will make you stong. Don't you wanna be strong? DON'T YOU?

Fine, don't have any of my water. Malachi is going to be very disappointed in me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

By the Numbers: I left the Kubel game early

Of course, when I left The Kubel Game, it wasn't called that. Here is my rationale for leaving Friday nights game early.

5 - runs the Angels scored in the top of the 7th, breaking a 2-2 tie. The inning took like an hour, and featured some of the most frustrating baseball ever. Like when Brendan Harris didn't get to second base after Punto made a diving stop.

0 and 2 - the count to Torii Hunter before he worked a two out walk to prolong the top of the 7th inning. This was after an intentional walk to Bob Abreu and before a couple more base hits.

1 - more run the Angels scored in the top of the 8th, pushing the score to 9-4. Thanks, bullpen.

0 - dollars I paid to get into the game. Thanks, Dad.

8 - more players to bat before Kubel gets another chance to bat. I knew he was going for the cycle, but he struck out in the bottom of the 7th stranding a guy on third. I didn't think he would get another at-bat..

4 - 7 was the Twins record coming into Fridays game. The offense was streaky and the bullpen was brutal. There was nothing to suggest that the Twins were capable of putting up the...

5 - runs needed to tie the game. They had only scored four runs in the first seven innings of the game, and they had only two innings left.

300 + - the weight of the lady sitting to my right. Her fat was hanging over the armrest. I was not comfortable.

E - 9 - I was watching third base coach Scott Ulger as the ball bounced into the right field corner. He was holding Kubel at second, then quickly changed his mind and waved his hand, ushering him to third. Why the change of heart? Because Abreu had bobbled the ball. I was shocked when it was ruled a clean triple.

6 hours I had spent at the Toronto game on Wednesday. I took a kid early to see batting practice and stayed late to get autographs. I was the first person ever to spend six hours to see my team lose 12-2. I was metrodomed out.

0 - real, logical excuses for my having left that game early. I left right after the Angels scored their 9th run, in the top of the 8th. I got home and turned on the T.V. just in time to see Kubel bash a Grand Slam to win the game and complete the cycle, and I actually yelled, "NOOOO!!!!!"
I had stayed last week when there were no on and two out in the bottom of the ninth. I rode my bike to the Dome last Tuesday to watch Crede bash one over the centerfielders head in the 11th. But I was an idiot on Friday.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Target Field Scheduling Quirk

Even though the 2009 season just started, Major League Baseball is already putting together next years schedule. It won't be released until September, but many fans and media are wondering how the schedule-makers will work around the weather at the Twins new outdoor stadium, Target Field. Many have suggested the Twins won't play a home game until mid-April, and they will probably only host day games until the nights become warmer.

We got a clue to the intentions of the schedule-gods in form of a Twins commercial. It's a song touting the attributes of outdoor baseball, to the tune of home on the range.

It concludes:

Breathing fresh air,
Kicking White Sox Derriere
And getting mooned by the moon every night

How will the Twins get mooned by the moon every time they play at Target Field? It's tricky, because the moon isn't always visible. To achieve this, it will take careful planning in an attempt to avoid the New Moon. Luckily, we know the moon cycle years in advance. Here are the new moon dates for 2010:

Apr 14
May 14
Jun 12
Jul 11
Aug 10
Sep 8
Oct 7

Like many things in baseball, the motivation for the quirk is probably superstitious. Here's what some guy wrote on some site once:

The Moon is positive for those who are born in the ascending Moon cycle and difficult for those who are born in the descending lunar cycle. For persons whose Moon is not rightly placed in their horoscopes or is ill-aspected with other planets, success becomes very illusive or difficult to obtain.

Christening the 2010 season, and more importantly, the new stadium correctly is important. It's clear that the Twins are very aware of the connections between success and the moon cycle.
The Moon is positive for those who are born in the ascending Moon cycle and difficult for those who are born in the descending lunar cycle.
So if we look back at our 2010 calendar of the New Moons, we find that the ascending cycle occurs in the 10 days after the new moon. The Twins will almost certainly try to open after April 14th, probably as soon as the moon appears. They'll have some lobbying to do, but if they pull it off, it will help align "emotional motivation of [their] personality in fulfilling [their] soul's purpose in this lifetime on Earth." Namely, winning baseball games.

In other news, HOK Sport architects for Target Field have announced plans to include a full size replica of Stonehenge on the plaza.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Live painting: Twins vs Blue Jays 4-15-09

It's very important to express your feelings. It's a fact. I read it on the internet AND I heard it on Tyra. Some people like to do this through written word. I prefer painting. So I have live-painted game ten of this young season.

First inning:

Baker pitches a scoreless first inning to kick off Butch Huskey Day.

Their pitcher looks like a Muppet.

Casilla singles. Morneau doubles. I like where this is going. Kubel gets one in! Flaming Globes of Sigmund! Morneau scores on a passed ball! Twins lead 2-0! I must get this joy from my soul out on to the canvass!

Joy Times Infinity

This is a painting of Alexi and me at space camp wearing cool Hawaiian shirts, drinking beer, and absolutely pounding Froot Loops. And you can't tell from the painting, but the Beach Boys are on full blast in the background. It's impossible to be happier than the events that are transpiring in this painting.

Don't mind us, Rita. We're doing just fine. Your air walk looks great, by the way. You have the NASA issued air walking sandals and everything. Actually there is one thing you could do for us. I know it's mathematically impossible to calculate how happy we are, but can you just try with you calculator watch?

And Carol, don't even try to ruin our fun with your stupid lanyards and unfortunate choice of clothing.
Second inning:
In honor of Scott Bakers scoreless first inning I sculpted his bust into marble. Unfortunately I can't get this three dimensional masterpiece onto your two dimensional computer screen. So I painted a picture of my bust of Scott

Painting of a Scott Baker Bust

I immortalize you into marble and this is how you repay me? With a two run homer to Scott Rolen? See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about, Carol.

Correction: The players are wearing 42 to honor Jackie Robinson and not Butch Huskey. That makes a lot more sense, actually.

Third inning:

Aaron Hill and Vernon Wells hit home runs. I'm going to update my Facebook status to something vague like "is very upset." Then people will have to say things like "Why? what's wrong?" Then I can feel loved.

Denard is on. Kubel is up. I'm sensing a rally coming. This calls for a painting.


And a ground out.

Fourth inning:

Well, this isn't fun. However, Lyle Overbay. It's been a couple of years since we talked about Lyle.

Slowey is talking to Baker in the dugout. I think its going something like this: "I'm gunna ask you a question, Scotty. Who's the bigger winner tonight? Huh? Who's the big winner? Scotty wins!"

I would like to take a second to give credit to what Scott Richmond is doing out there tonight. It hasn't been an easy road, but he has persevered. And now Scott Richmond is the first Jim Henson Muppet to make it to the big leagues. I have celebrated this historic event with a portrait of Richmond and singer, actor, and friend of puppets, David Bowie.

Muppet Makes It

You are an inspiration to Muppets everywhere.

Fifth inning:

My feeling on the fifth inning can be summed up thusly

Whispering Solitude

There it is, you guys. This painting is a window into my inner-most thoughts about the fifth inning of this game. You probably don't even get the painting. I'm not surprised. Most of my work is a little too "deep" for people. But there is no way I'm going to dumb it down just to make it more "commercial," or whatever. Seriously, my art is not even about the money.

6th inning:

Lyle Overbay update: Sunday is Lyle Overbay bobble-head day at the Rogers Centre.

Rest of the game:

A bunch of other stupid stuff.

Aaron Hill Being Eaten by Mutant Rats

This is a painting of Aaron Hill being eaten by mutant rats.

Twins in '09 video montage

Last night's game didn't make me want to claw my eyes out. That's different. And that's reason to celebrate. Here's a video/photo montage. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Predictions after week one

- So far, the Twins have reminded us of years past with their ninth inning manufacturing, clutch domefield-singles, and sporadic run scoring. 13 runs in four games sounds wonderful, unless 12 of them came in a blowout of meaningless hits and homers. Does Liriano have "Santana-first-half-disease"? Or is his interpretation of the strikezone not the same as that of the umpire's?

- The team that has intrigued me the most is the young and speedy Florida Marlins. With a remarkable shortstop, lead-off hitter and a clean-up man whose come to life, I just don't see many weak offensive performances. If Josh Johnson can keep the same form as his Sunday's outing, there's no stopping him. Can anyone say, "EMILIO!"? Bonifacio, Uggla, Ramirez, and Cantu have been the most productive infield as of yet, and I can guarantee a 100th win by September 25th.

- Is it too much to assume that Cristian Guzman can take home a batting title?

- It appears as though Johan will finish with an ERA of sub 2, and over 200K's, with 12W and 11shutouts due to offensive off days by the otherwise potent Mets.

Can they repeat 2008?:
Carlos Quentin: With a .333 avg, 4HR, and 8RBI, it looks like his stat were legit. Hopefully those stats stay away from the Dome.

Evan Longoria: .481, 5HR, 10RBI. So he'll have 116bombs and 231RBI. With Longoria, Pena, Crawford, Bartlett staying on fire, and acquisition Burrell who's sure to pick it up soon, their offense seems to have all the tools. With Shields, Kazmir, and Garza pitching well, we'll see these guys give the rich east coast clubs a run for their money. Again.

Nate McLouth: batting .160, with 2HR, I feel as though he will level off from last year. The Pirates won't do anything special.

Ryan Braun: Can he still hit homeruns?

Tim Lincecum: 0-1 with a 7.56ERA, was he worth your first pitching pick?

Ryan Ludwick: Batting .389, he's still on track.

Jacoby Ellsbury: With just five total bases in 24 at-bats, he looks to be losing his spot in mid-May.

Jimmy Rollins and Jose Reyes: Being two of the top three shortstops in '08, they are both struggling to get aboard batting .150 and .057 below last season's stats respectively, we'll see if they can turn it around.

Chipper Jones: He obviously doesn't fall in to a one hit wonder category, but had a late career breakout season in '08 none the less. Batting .400 after finding out what steroids can do for you when you turn 35.

American League Central:
Inge, Cabrera, and Polanco are tearing it up, in addition to Magglio and Granderson keeping up with their usual production = their offense is scaring me. Galarraga and Verlander don't look too bad, and with Rodney effectively closing the door, they could give us some trouble.

We'll just let them cool off before we make any brash predictions.

White Sox:
Coming off a disappointing series against this trashy lineup, I just can't talk about these guys. They disgust me, and my time is more important than to analyze their stats and douche filled battery.

Although they looked tough, we knew better. They are the Indians.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Say What?! New Twins Uniforms?

Pictures from the Uniform Unveil, November 16th.

Note: Here's the updated rumors

The Twins will probably get new uniforms to go along with their shiny new stadium next year. And they'll probably have a different look to them, too. Does this mean the end for the happy Twins script? Will it be a rollback to the classic cursive design, or something totally new and different? Take a look at these leaked renderings:

1. Somewhat similar to the uniforms worn at the opener with some minor changes like the socks, jersey color, and number color scheme.

2. This is the original color scheme for the old Twins scripts used in the 60s and early 70s. This uniform also features a new cap, utilizing the "T" from the twins script. It also uses a different style of numbers.

The 1965 Killebrew look. I think this one is a fan favorite.

3. Similar to the blue practice jerseys this uni features the classic TC insignia on the left chest panel.

4. This uniform features a new Minnesota type face on the uniform and on the hat.

5. This jersey features blue and red piping along the sleeves and the sides of the pants. It also has the original Minnesota script, and border less blue numbers.

6. Similar to the above jersey, this uniform features the original script, but without the "Twins" and the starts below "Minnesota." This uniform also features a new hat design, which utilizes the "M" and the star from jersey's script.

7. A possible home alternate version of number 5 this one has piping around the sleeves and pants, along with the new M hat. (different than the infamous red alt uniforms of 1997)

8. This version has the familiar alternate blues look with the old school "Minnesota" accross the chest. But the hat is a tribue to the Indianapolis/Ethiopian Clowns of the Negro League and barnstorming days.

9. A lot of people like the powder blue. This one mixes the loved and hated Twins script with the light blue. Not sure how people would feel about the hat.

10. Classic looking uniform with the old script, powder blue jersey and red and blue piping.

11. This uniform is based off the iconic image of the two ball players shaking hands over the Mississippi. Why just wear that patch on your sleeve when you could wear the actual uniform. Even the Ronald McDonald yellow shoes.

12. A jersey most of us would fear.

13. Looks like the Twins are looking to capitalize on the Twitter craze with this new uni. I think the url for the player's twitter page is a nice touch. Surprisingly it looks kind of like a Mariner's jersey.

Let us know which versions you like best, and/or any other suggestions you have for the new uniforms.

Find fresh uniform rumors here

Pictures from the Uniform Unveil, November 16th.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Twins Audio Cache

Part of the reason we started this website was to record all things TwinsFan for for the sake of posterity. With that in mind, I present the Twins audio cache. It's your one stop shop for Twins related audio that I've found floating around the internet in the past few years.

We're gonna win, Twins

This is the 80's update of the 60's classic. It's pretty disgusting, but holds a place in our hearts, just like the Metrodome.

We're gonna win, Twins, again.

Yet another 80's update. At least it's short.

We're gonna win, Twins 1987

This is the pennant race version of the song that Juan Berenguer listened to 60 times daily during the last three months of the season.

We're gonna win, Twins 1961

This is the original jazzy thing. To steal a sarcastic line from Jim Lileks, 'do we have it better now? Absolutly.'

Talkin' Baseball - Twins Version

Terry Cashman wrote Talkin' Baseball in 1981 after looking at a picture of Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle and Duke Snider. The tribute to 50's baseball was soon spun off into a bunch of team-specific versions. This was written in 1995. They seem to have skipped right over '87 and '91 and jumped right to, "Dave Hollins" and, "Aguilera is a starter."

KQRS version of TK's Talkin' Twins

I suppose it's meant to sound as if Tom Kelly is singing the song. It's not really funny and it features cheesy sound effects, but I applaud the effort.

Gordon's Puckett Call

Here's John Gordon's call of Kirby Puckett's game winning homer in the sixth game of the 1991 World Series. Apparently, this was the only time Gordo has ever said, "touch 'em all" twice during one home run.

My Baby Waves the Homer Hanky

1987 hit song based on a Tommy James classic.

Joe Mauers new walk-up song

How to write a song for Joe Mauer and gain street cred.

1. write some obvious lyrics
2. find a DJ who can put together some beats that sound EXACTLY like every other rap song that's popular these days.
3. ??????
4. Profit

Bat-girl random funnystuff

Torii Hunter is not trying to shove it up anyone's butts or anything.

El Presidente - Johan Santana - Hail to the Chief

We are the world - Johan Santana

Also see: Twins commercials, Twins Homer Hankies.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blowing The Wind Back Intta The Dome

-WEEEEEEE. Baseball is fun! I missed the final four innings because MLB.TV went all poopy diapers on me, but I'm not bitter. I'm not.

-I'm glad Gomez is showing some maturity at the plate. But let's hope he doesn't get carried away with this whole maturity thing. I mean, what's next? Is he going to stop smelling the pine tar? A world devoid of Carlos' youthful antics is not a world in which I want to live. But props on the 9th inning BB.

-Mike Redmond told LEN3 before the game that he was, "taped up pretty good." How do you tape a groin muscle strain? More importantly, who's the lucky SOB that gets the job of taping Redmonds groin? It also must be quite awkward for Redmond, being so modest and all.

-R.A.D. was going to play right field in an emergency. In his words he was going to "Babe Ruth it." I also use "Babe Ruth" as a verb, but I use it when I'm about to drink beer and eat an unhealthy amount of meat. Similarly, I use "Tony Batista" as an adjective for "whimsical"

-I don't understand this "You'll miss the Dome next April" noise. Yeah, the weather in April in Minnesota is cold for baseball. But it's still April. If you can't bear being outdoors for an extended period of time in April, then maybe Minnesota isn't the right state for you.

-Kevin Slowey kicks off his Cy Young Award campaign tonight against Carlos Silva. I like our chances. I guess Silva has lost like 50 pounds. Still weighs 2.3 Sloweys.

-Anyone not get enough Metrodome nostalgia? You're in luck because tonight will be the last third game of the season in the Metrodome, the last fist start of the season for Kevin Slowey in the Metrodome, the last first pitch of the third game in the metrodome, the last first out of the first game in the Metrodome, the last...well you get the idea.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sucking The Wind Outta the Dome

If Opening Day is so great, then why do I feel so unhappy right now? There's so much build-up and hoopla before and on the opener, we forget that there are 161 games beyond Game One. I've never a part of such a huge yet sedated Metrodome crowd. The announced crowd of 48,514 only rose to it's feet once or twice. It didn't really even feel like a Twins game.

But there were positives.

- New uniforms were sweet.

- When someone yelled, "Kirby Puckett!!!" super loud just before the National Anthem lady sang, "And the home of the brave."

- Joe Crede got his first hit. It could have been ruled an error since it clanged off the Mariners third baseman, but we'll take it.

- The Twins would have won the game 3-2 if they still had Torii Hunter. And if Hunter could pitch a scoreless 8th inning.

- Although it was a boring game and the upper deck was packed, there was only one feeble attempt at The Wave. And that, my friends, is a miracle.

- Crede's back didn't fall apart because of the turf. And Mike Redmond pulled off another, "what doesn't kill me only makes me lumpier" stunt.

The Outfield Situation

The odd man out on Monday was Delmon Young. Who will be the odd man out tomorrow? Let's take a look at their performances and decide for ourselves:

Denard Span: 0 for 1 with two walks and a sac bunt. Made some good running catches.

Carlos Gomez: 0 for 3 and just sorta missed that Gutierrez homer.

Michael Cuddyer: 1 for 4 with 3 strikeouts and an RBI. He left three on base.

Jason Kubel: 1 for 4

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Opening Day swagger

It's Opening Day, people. What the hell are you doing on the internet?

Opening Day: from the Latin oris dies. It was an ancient Pagan holiday in which Druids would drink lambs' blood and make forts out of blankets in their living rooms. Now it's a holiday devoted to baseball. And it's awesome.

There are Twins related activities all day! Unfortunately it isn't technically recognized by work places or schools, but this obstacle can be overcome with a simple and fraudulent tale of uncontrollable diarrhea. Or you can just tell them that you're half Druid and you need the day off for religious reasons.

What other day of the year can you just drive in front of the Metrodome and nice people hand you hot dogs, potato chips, and coffee for breakfast? The answer is no other days of the year. Hot dogs for breakfast! If you can't get excited about baseball and a free hot dog for breakfast, well...

And I'm not sure what it is, but it seems that the Twins got a little bit of a swagger heading into this season. Maybe it's the rookies that contributed significantly last season having a little more experience. Maybe it's a healthy Liriano. Maybe it's the apparent healing of Joe Mauer's inflamed Sports Illustrated Joint. Maybe it's the stellar defense we will be trotting out there. Maybe it's not having Craig Monroe, Livan Hernandez, Tony Batista, Rondell White, or Mike Lamb starting.

Wait. Figured it out. It's a classic case of the Mustache Swagger.
H/T Haas
So a "Happy Opening Day" from Alright Hamilton to you. As the Ancient Druids would say, "lascivio ball!"

Friday, April 3, 2009

Things to bring back to MN from Ft Myers

When packing, it's easy to forget stuff. The Twins have been in Florida for over a month. They were settled in nicely. Soon they will pack and head north to the Twin Cities. Here's a helpful list of stuff not to forget:

Cortisone, heat pads and ice packs: It's been a rough spring. A load of injuries has plagued the last few games of spring training. Joe Mauer plans to sleep covered in ice, in a hyperbaric chamber until he is healthy. Keep your fingers crossed.

Emery board: It's been reported that R.A. Dickey will start for the Twins in Chicago next weekend. Knuckballers need to have a perfect grip of the ball in order to get it to trip the light fantastic on it's way to the mound. So RAH will need to manicure his nails in between innings. Just don't manicure that ball!

Sunglasses: Their future is so bright, they gotta wear shades.

Elliptical exercise machine: This is for Delmon Young. Twins fans have expressed concern over Delmons unconventional style of moving. This should help smooth things out.

Long underwear - For the trip to Chicago next weekend. A couple years ago, Rondell White and the Twins were in Chicago on a cold April day. Rondell tore up his halmstring running out of the dugout because it was so cold. The Twins lost out on 80 to 90 RBI because of that. Never Again.

163+ T-shirts - It turns out 162+ isn't the same thing as making it to the post season.

Calendar - A calendar is used to keep track of time. Last year, Justin Morneau was confused and thought the season ended about September 9th. Never again.

Better Walk-up music - Rumor has it that Mauer will be using this song as his walk-up music. I don't know who's behind it, but it is the most average sounding rap song ever. But for you Stolaf grads, there's a Larry Nava reference.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My quest.

My quest began, like most do, with a lust for fame and fortune. My map was nothing but a list of cryptic clues meant to lead the one who was worthy to the land of prosperity. I knew many had gone this way before, but I was not about to let that stop me. I was young, strong and dedicated.

The first clue, led me east. Away from the mighty coliseum, where gladiators fight their epic battles. And the Vikings lose.

The second clue forced me to abandon my carriage and walk south, towards the wastelands known as "Iowa."

The third clue intrigues me with its mention of gold, but confounds me with its remarks of a second city.

The fourth clue tries to get me to abandon my quest by tempting me with food. Oh how hungry I am, I have been searching for days.

The fifth clue talks of luck and magic, what luck and magic I ask? I have been searching many hours and have received no rewards!

I musn't give up hope. The one ticket to rule them all wants to found...

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about my obsession with finding the Twins golden ticket. Over the past few days I have put in about 15 hours in the field; walking and searching and another 8 doing research on-line. Its a pretty fun time. When people see me, they must think I'm a real bum. Wandering around with ratty clothes, smoking cigarettes, every once in a while stopping abruptly to look at garbage. Sometimes I even talk to myself.

If you don't know what it is, somewhere on public property in Hennepin or Ramsey county the Twins and the Star-Tribune have hidden a "Golden Ticket" and everyday another clue comes out as to where it is. If you find it, they give you a bunch of crap. And you get to throw out the first pitch at a twins game! I thinking about going with my slider, what do you guys think?

Its a really fun activity to get people out of the house, and you don't have to get as serious as I do. Yesterday I walked around 8 miles, give or take a few hundred yards. Last year me and Haas spent 3 hours turning over every rock in a park in Roseville, we didn't find it. If you are going to tackle a project like this, its best to have a partner. It makes the time go faster and its safer. Before Holm joined me yesterday afternoon, I almost broke my leg twice yesterday climbing things I wasn't supposed to climb.

Here are the clues so far:
Starting from the teflon roof, heading west would be a goof.

Get out and search and use those legs, but to the north there's just goose eggs

Further south of the second City the golden ticket shines so pretty
If you like your breakfast food, this path will get you in the mood

It still could bring you luck today, should you decided to go this way

Everyone I've talked to is convinced they know where it is. But, no one is convinced its in the same place. So far all I have to show for my hours of suffering and hard work are some blisters and soar muscles. And many hours of beautiful scenery. I saw over 25 deer yesterday, in Minneapolis! I had never seen one before that.

I'm stumped, I thought the second city was Chicago, so no where in MN is south of that.
There aren't any parks off Kellogg road.
Popular wisdom (the internet) suggests that Battle Creek park is number one in the running right now.
I must have been way off the past couple days, I didn't see a single person except for people walking their dogs.

But, I disagree all the clues point me to one park, Sechler Park, think about it, its east of the dome, south of both citys, its right next to the Malt-o-Meal cereal factory, where they make knock off lucky charms. Where else could it be?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dear Brian Duensing

Hey Brian,

How's it going? I'm pretty good. You know...same old, same old. Can you believe this weather? Crazy, huh?

Anyway, I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I don't think you should start the season with the big league club. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan of yours. We were even college classmates for a semester. Great times, huh? I mean we had great times separately, because we never met, but you know what I mean. I just don't think your stuff is cut out for a bullpen role.

Also, R.A. Dickey throws a knuckle ball. So you understand why I want him on the team. You see, knuckle balls are awesome. Dickey's is extra awesome because he throws it hard. You have both had success this spring, but Dickey did it with one less ligament. And did you know that the metrodome is climate controlled? So, yeah. It's pretty much like a knuckle ball incubator.

So Brian, I hope we can still be friends. But unless you are willing to give up a ligament, learn to throw a knuckle ball, or both...I think it's best you go to Rochester. Don't worry, bud. You'll get your chance.

Your pal,