Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Pros and Cons: Going To the Dentist


Free Floss


Waiting room


Dental health


poke-happy dentists


Informative article in waiting room magazine


Insurance companies!


Stimulating conversation with friendly hygienists


Trouble feigning interest in lame hygienists story on account of things in mouth


Firm, approving handshake with dentist satisfies good visit


Jagged cardboard strips in mouth during x-rays make toes curl


"No, I live in the city- - I get plenty of fluoride from my tap water."

After staring embarrassingly at feet for 20 minutes, realizing it's time to buy new shoes

Four Things You Didn't Know and Don't Care About

They're really doing it. The Twins and the Tigers are going head-to-head, toe-to-toe, blow-for-blow, ass-to-mouth for the central division crown. After splitting the doubleheader on Tuesday, the Twins will need to win both games to have decent shot at the title. And everyone knows that. So why did I write it? Why did you read it? Fuck it. It's already been written and by the time you're reading this, it's been read. What else do you want? Analysis? Want to see a breakdown of the Twins stats vs. Eddie Bonine? You know everything that's important: the Twins need to win the final two games of the series.

You know everything about the Twins situation. Here are four thing you don't know about other random stuff.

Deadspin kinda sucks now.

Deadspin, a member of the Gawker conglomerate, was once a great national sports blog. They were hilarious, and injected some quasi-intelligence into an ESPN-soaked sports world. Now it's more like a sports news aggregater, simply linking to interesting and funny sports junk on the web.

Some douche on Deadspins payroll recently wrote(!) a post entitled, "Tigers And Twins Desperately Trying To Make You Care About Baseball" in which he attempts the belittle the pennant race. He implies that he nor anyone at Deadspin cares about baseball. Which is total bullshit because they were writing original material about the White Sox-Twins pennant race a lot last year. I hate when people pretend to not care about exciting sports events just to seem cool.

I am the only person in the whole state who hasn't witnessed the Brett Favre touchdown pass thing, and I couldn't be happier. I was on my way home from Kansas City at the time. I would rather drive through Iowa than watch a Vikings game, bar none.

Even though I'm guilty of it myself, I'm sick of everyone assuming the Yankees will roll the AL Central champ. Of course the cards would be stacked against both teams. And the Tigers obviously suck. The Twins can't win in New York. Seriously though, if the Twins can pull off a September like this, I theoretically like their chances. Rolling in hot to Yankee Stadium, with nothing to lose and no one taking them seriously would really tip the scales in the Twins favor. I can't stand the Yankees.

Tonight's starter, righty Eddie Bonine, isn't very good. He hasn't faced the Twins this season, which is good news considering the Twins always hit young hurlers well. Right handed hitters have a .385 average against him. Of course, he isn't very good against lefties, who have hit .328. Hopefully the Twins will punish the last two terrible pitchers in these next two games, so they can get drilled by the Yankees in the first round.


Friday, September 25, 2009

Cuddyer appology

Michael Cuddyer. Baby I love you. I did you wrong.

I said things about yous dat aint true. Baby, I was confused. I thought you only mashed that one year. In 2006 you were between two good lefties and did some real good. Now dis year be like the remix.

Being a productive right-handed hitter between two of the best left-handed hitters in the league in 2006, shame on you. Being a productive right-handed hitter between two of the best left-handed hitters in the league in 2009, shame on me. Baby I underestimated your ability to hit right-handed betwixt two really good lefties.

I don't want to be that over-examitory about performances and magic tricks. But your performances (and I assume magic tricks) have been terrific this season. So, thank you. I love your magic. Like a lot. So thank you.

If you would all excuse me, I would like to whisper some sweet-nothings to Joe Mauer now.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Comedy Central

The Twins failed to sweep the Tigers on Sunday, getting beat by a Nate Robinson. The left handed pitcher is so bad and injured that Tiger manager Jim Leyland wouldn't even let him pitch until recently. Neither team seemed to impress the numerous Yankee scouts at the Metrodome. They probably think the division is terrible, and that the Yankees would destroy either team who wins it. They're probably right.

However, the Twins and Tigers need to play more baseball to determine who gets rolled by the Yankees. It's a pennant race alright, only dampened by the fact that both teams aren't good. It's certainly not time to look forward to next season, is it? Let's see what the fans think...

Matching game: see if you can guess to which AL Central team the comment is referring. Each was an actual comment on a game story on their local paper's website. Five blog points to anyone who can match all four correctly.


This team was built to do exactly what it did, lose in the worst division in baseball. If that's not enough, they did [so] while accumulating the fewest games in the majors lost due to injury. [The] complete lack of respect for defense, OBP or anything resembling sound fundamental baseball is the reason we were forced to watch substandard baseball this year

PUKE!!!PUKE!!!PUKE!!! What a puke of a team, mostly minor league pukes, along with a puke of a manager and a puke of a GM....equals one big puke of a team. ... 12 minor leaguers on this team. Get rid of that piece of crap now or else the future is a cesspool

I am being very careful not to judge this team by their wins and losses. I hear they are sensitive about that. Just judging by the three guys we got thrown out on the bases and the three double plays we blew, we must be really bad on defense and not have a clue running the bases. Bear in mind though I am not judging them on wins and losses because I know now that I am not supposed to do that

My gosh, just end the season today...the fans don't care anymore and the team gave up long before the fans

That makes us feel better, right? Those thoughts and feelings could be applied to any team in the AL Central. But at the moment, the Twins are the ones with the most positivity and momentum in the division.

Twins @ White Sox

Prediction: Sweep

Analysis: Wishful thinking.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Now or never stream of consciousness

It's now or never. Time to make the move. Backs are against the wall. Crap or get off the pot. This is the time. If I don't drink this milk by 1:48 PM Friday September 18, 2009, it's all over.

At that exact minute, this milk bottle of milk will have gone bad.1:48? fine. But, 1:49? Don't think so, hot shot. I have never seen milk gone bad, and I certainly don't want to. If Ernest Scared Stupid has taught me anything, it's that you don't want "dat milk punch gawn bad." And watch Ernest Scared Stupid again. You'll thank me. It's got everything you could possible want in a movie. A tree house/fort, goblins, Supersoakers, Earnest. Anyway, wish me luck. I have about 1.4 liters of milk to drink in the next two hours and 38 minutes.

And I can't just simply pour the milk down the sink. For this milk isn't just any milk. This milk received an A1 grade by the Seoul Dairy Coop. It says so right on the carton. That's the best milk. There is no grade better. So projectile vomit or no, it will be done. In conclusion, I would like to invite everyone to my place for a milk drinking party.

Speaking of now or about the series this weekend, huh? Like, uber-important, you guys. It's the fourth quarter. Ninth inning two outs. This is our time. It's not how you start, it's how you finish. Let's sweep the Tigers and put them behind an eight ball between a rock and a hard place. We need a never say die attitude and keep battling. It's a 162 game season.

I'm just not scared of the Tigers. They are probably a better team than we are, but who cares. They hate winning their division. They haven't done so since 1987. And now they've been jinxed!!!

I've actually always kind of liked Miguel Cabrera. Him hitting that walk-off single on an intentional ball was one of the coolest things in the long history of things. And I kinda like that he's lazy. That, I can relate to. Being good at baseball...I have no idea what that's like. My greatest baseball moment was a home run I hit on a little league field in a "league" my friends and I made up in college. My only home run ever. The ball actually hit the top of the fence and weakly bounced over. The left fielder could have easily caught the ball but he was taking off his shirt at the time. Just the most pathetic home run ever.

And the worse part is that I didn't even celebrate the once in a lifetime event. I just quietly jogged around the bases. I guess I was shocked. For years I had been carefully planning my HR trot. A big bat flip, stare at the pitcher all the way to first, moonwalk to second, worm to third, C-Walk home and then hump home plate for two minutes. I guess, the best laid plans of mice and men...(is there more to that saying?)

Sorry, back to the Tigers.

Prediction: sweep

Analysis: have you been to this blog before?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Jinx the Tigers part two

Editors Note: This is the second of a two part series. Read yesterday's entry before proceeding.

The trio set out from south Minneapolis at 5pm on Thursday, planning to reach Ann Arbor before Friday's sunrise. A flat tire outside of Hudson, Wisconsin proved to be only a minor setback. We remained cool under pressure, even as the tow truck driver emasculated us by twisting the lugnuts free without breaking a sweat. Five hours later, a different automobile was carrying us toward our destiny.

Arriving at the University of Michigan at noon on Friday, we met with our inside man, Travis. After a quick nap at Casa De Travis, the four of us were on our way to the Motor City. On our way, our master of the dark arts, the man with the plan, laid it all out for us. Luke had expressed doubt in his ability to affect any of the important Tigers in a meaningful and negative form. Thus, he had decided his power would be best used to inflict a small amount of damage on a very good player. Indeed, Luke was convinced that placing a light, irritating jinx on Miguel Cabrera was the best way to bring the Central crown to Minnesota.

Entering Detroit was was quick and easy, but had an eerie foreboding feel. It seemed that the freeways were designed to handle the traffic of a large number of people, yet there were almost no other cars around. Additionally, the buildings of Detroit were built with the expectation that tenants would occupy the space, but many impressive structures stood empty. Luke announced his belief that the post-apocalyptic atmosphere would benefit us, as depression and a non-diverse economy usually add to magical powers.

The Tigers lost to the Blue Jays that night, and while the fireworks exploded above our heads, Luke worked his magic. He summoned all his Harry Potter knowledge and ruthlessly cast spells upon Miguel Cabrera and anyone near him. We were on our way home when we realized that our mission was not glamorous or immediately gratifying. We would gain zero fame from this event, because there was no way we would run around saying, "I gave Miguel Cabrera an STD!" And there was a chance the jinx hadn't worked at all. We wouldn't know for quite some time.

So, we went on with our trip. Travis's friend found two tickets to the Wolverine-Irish football contest on the floor of a bar, allowing Tfrezac and myself to join Luke and Travis at the Big House. Afterward, I was offered a warm dog bed in the laundry room, which I graciously accepted.

When we finally arrived back in Minneapolis, we saw it. It was everything we could have hoped for. We've done our part, now it's time for the Twins to give the entire Tigers roster herpes...all the way to the central division crown.

Road Trip: Jinx the Tigers

Editors note: This is part one of a two part series. It's also the dumbest thing you'll read all day.

I apologize for the lack of content around Alright Hamilton lately as the Twins season winds down. We haven't been able to find much humor or entertainment in our hometown team's precarious standing, which hasn't changed much in the past weeks. It's not fun to watch a team float around .500 and fail to pick up ground on a struggling Tigers squad. It's not fun.

With the stagnant state of the Twins season and this blog in mind, Alright Hamilton decided to put together a crack team of supernatural experts, and send them to Detroit for the sole purpose of putting a hex on the division leading Tigers. And that's where our story begins...

Myself and contributor TfRezac share a common goal: to attend a baseball game in all 30 major league cities. Of course, we're in no hurry - mainly because we don't have a lot of scratch to throw around, and partly because we're never in a hurry to do anything. It's a long-term goal, and we believe that as long as we check one unseen stadium from the list each summer, we'll be headed in the right direction. Here's are the parks I've seen, in rough chronological order, at the beginning of the 2009 season.

Wrigley Field
New Comiskey Park
Milwaukee County Stadium
Miller Park
Kaufmann Stadium
Jacobs Field
Busch Stadium II
Busch Stadium III
Coors Field
Dodger Stadium
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
Great American Ballpark

Although I'd seen games at Wrigley Field and Dodger Stadium this year, they were ballparks I'd already examined. With the season winding down and the Twins playing badly, there was only one thing to do: road trip. And the only stadium that Tony and I hadn't seen which was in remote driving distance was Comerica in Detroit.

After it was decided that Detroit would be the destination, we quickly realized that this simple trip to see a stadium could become much more. The only stadium we could reasonably visit also happened to house the only team standing between our favorite team and the playoffs.

With the knowledge that we'd soon be entering enemy territory, one word sprang to mind: Sabotage. Yet it was unclear how only two men could help bring down a professional baseball team. It was clear that we needed help.

When we first contacted Luke, he agreed that this odd coincidence could indeed mean the fate of the 2009 Twins. We had Luke at the top of our list of baseball road trip associates, as he had accompanied us on many long excursions. Additionally, he had a wealth of knowledge in non-violent forms of sabotage, mainly based within a series of mind tricks commonly referred to as, 'magic,' ;earned from watching and reading Harry Potter.

Next, we needed a man on the inside. We preferred someone local, who could get us in and out quickly, while possibly providing clean water and shelter. An old associate from Summit Avenue was skeptical, yet undeniably amazed at the importance of our plan. Travis offered to host us in a safe house in Ann Arbor, and graciously agreed to guide us the final 40 miles to Comerica Park.

The major players were set. Yet none were sure if the scheme would result in a Twins World Series, or herpes.

Busted? Successful? Learned a valuable lesson?

Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Guest post: Mark Teixeira 2009 AL MVP

We here at Alright Hamilton! like to be open-minded. In that spirit, we welcome Yankee fan and avid internet commenter, BronxBoi2, to break down the 2009 AL MVP race.

Hands down Mark Teixeira is your MVP this year without a question. It's undisputable. Sure Joe Mauer is having a good year. He leads the league in batting average. But you idiots have to open your eyes and see that batting average isn't the ONLY STATISTIC!! THERE ARE TWO MORE!!! Did you really think that people wouldn't notice that Mauer is leading the league in only ONE of the THREE STATS?!?!

Tex is pwning Mauer in the other two: RBI and HRs. So, let me check the math...Tex: 2 Mauer: 1. Um, last time I checked TWO IS BIGGER THAN ONE!!!. It's TWICE as many.!!! Tex's stats have been throwing Mauer under the bus all year. Mauer wouldn't be the MVP if it hit him in the face. This MVP race is apples and oranges.

And there are people in baseball society today that say that Mauer is better at slugging than Tex and that is just ignoramous. How can this be possible when Tex has slugged more HR AND RBI?!?! That point is muted.

And who cares if Mauer is a catcher. People say, "That's really good for a catcher." People also say that Candace Parker is good at basketball for a girl but nobody is saying she should be the NBA MVP! It's not Tex's fault that catcher aren't very good at offense. If Mauer wanted to be better at offense he should have played a better position.

Moreover, people that say that Tex's defense is not world class are impunible. Maybe these guys that make up these defensive stats in their mother's basement should actually look up from their calculators and LITERALLY WATCH HIM PLAY!!! I've seen with my own two eyes an insurmountable number of great defensive plays. If he doesn't win a gold glove it will be abominal.

They main reason Tex should win is because the Yankees are way better than the Twins. Seriously, where would the Yankee line-up be without Tex? It would be Johny Damon, Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher, Hideki Matsui, Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, and that's it. They Yankees would be NOWHERE WITHOUT TEX! And the Twins aren't even in the playoffs, so without a doubt end of conversation hands down.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

All-White NBA team

Granted, there are plenty of tremendous, gracious, agile white guys in the NBA. Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki have taken home multiple MVP's over the past several years. But let's face it. White People are < Black people at basketball



Brian Scalabrine

Listen to him during the first minute of this press conference. Who says this? Especially when you're the 10th man on the team?

here's a song I found about him when surfing youtube. I laughed.

Mark Madsen

I know he's a really great person and too easy of a target, but seriously. I still laugh every time I see this video. Just watch it again for the 50th time. I promise you'll still laugh.

I told you.

Brian Cardinal

I remember when this guy played for Purdue. At the time I thought he was 32. Now he gets to launch 3's in a Timberwolves Uniform for one more season. Thank god the 'ol contract is expiring.

Kyle Korver

Wally Szczerbiak

Known as the slowest man in the National Basketball Association, Wally would make a great fit as our go-to wingman. I love how he's one of the only people in the NBA to throw down a dunk, then have the announcer react by laughing out loud.

Marco Jaric

I mean look at his face. It looks like somebody photoshopped it, but this is an unaltered photo. Who needs cap space and future first round picks when you can have this cat-like point guard anchoring your bench?

We've grabbed some players, now lets get some suits.

Head Coach,
Randy Wittman

I couldn't possibly sum up everything related to him and this organization (at the time) any better.

Kevin Mchale

Man, just look at this asshole. Way to represent everything I dislike about Minnesotans.

Unfortunately, these days are long gone. Now we are stuck with a GM who makes thought out, calculated decisions. Most of them even make sense, too.

Glen Taylor

I'm really looking forward to the constant growth of my ears. If he wore a newsboy hat he could be Brian Johnson for Halloween.

Bud Selig

This guy would make a terrific Commissioner. It's unfortunate that David Stern is capable enough to dress himself in the morning, otherwise he'd be the guy.

The greatest thing about this blog post is that the Timberwolves have previously had 7 of the above, and are quite possibly about to add the eigth. BRING BACK MCHALE


Monday, September 7, 2009

Monday Notes

-Many of us are rightfully worried about Target Corp. branding their logo on all things Target Field. But if there were an appropriate place for their logo it would be here:
Then, of course, something like, “Hit it here.” That’s a really far HR, but it would be cool if someone actually hit it. Either way, Target Field is the best ballpark in the history of baseball.

-It’s very likely the Twins will have four players with at least 25 bombs. If it happens, it will be the first time since Mount Crushmore’s Tom Burnansky, Kent Hrbek, Gary Gaetti, and Kirby Pucket did it in ’87. Now that we finally have some power in our line up…here we come World Serplayo…winning rec…

-Here’s a look at some popular websites when they first launched. We have a screenshot of AH! when it first launched?

-Sometimes bad baseball players get immortalized in memorabilia too.

-One thing the Twins starting pitchers did well this year: sharing. Nobody hogged their spot in the starting rotation. In all, eleven different pitchers started for the Twins this year. Sharing is caring. Sometimes at the cost of being good at baseball, but still...

-This is a couple of months old, but former Cubs outfielder, Doug Glanville, was a very entertaining guest on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.” He was an engineering grad from Penn. He’s much more interesting than our former Ivy Leaguer, Craig Breslow. Breslow always kind of bugged me for some reason. Like, “Oh, I could be a life-saving doctor because my sister is sick, but instead I chose to be a MLB LOOGY.” Whatever.

-I love it when new animals are found in remote jungles. That’s why God invented Papua New Guinea. After I feel a little down about some animal that is going to become extinct in a few years I love reading a headline from Papua New Guinea that says, “Dude goes to mailbox, discovers nine new species of toads” The most recent headline is “Lost world of fanged frogs and giant rats discovered in Papua New Guinea.” Awesome. Holmer, I know you’re excited about the giant rats.
-Finally, friends, I want to talk to you about something very important. The olgoi-khorkhoi is gunna git ya!! Yes, that’s the Mongolian Death Worm. It has “the ability of the worm to spew forth sulfuric acid that, on contact, will turn anything it touches yellow and corroded (which would kill a human),[3] and its purported ability to kill at a distance by means of electric discharge”!!!!!!!!!

So maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday you’ll be on a leasurly stroll through the Gobi desert and BAM!!! Your face is being melted by sulfuric acid. Then electrocution. Then your body will be left to rot under the excrement of wild camels. You’ve been warned.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Kevin Mulvey Traded = Santana Trade Was A Bust

Last week the Twins acquired Jon Rauch from the Diamondbacks in exchange for cash and a player to be named later. A couple days ago, the Twins announced they would be sending AAA pitcher Kevin Mulvey to Arizona. Kevin Mulvey is a name familiar to Twins fans because he was dealt to the Twins in The Great Santana Trade of '08.

Here's what Alright Hamilton said about the time Mulvey was trying on his new Twins cap:

Kevin Mulvey, P, 22 years old - He could be alright. Mixes four pitches (not at once.) He could be anywhere between the number 4 starter for the Twins to the number 3 starter for the Red Wings.
The writer of that post encouraged us to 'wait and see' how the players develop before we label the trade a disaster. With the departure of Mulvey, I think it's fair to say that we've waited long enough, and we've seen enough.

As noted above, Kevin Mulvey was projected to be a number one starter. It's been a huge disappointment for the entire organization to watch the centerpiece of the trade languish in the minor league's. After Billy Smith saw the writing on the wall, he finally agreed a change of scenery was the best option for the young phenom. And in admitting that, he admitted that the Johan Santana trade was indeed a disaster.

The public is already against Billy Smith, and he's going to need the other three players from the trade to make a difference. Smith is now Delmon Young's biggest fan.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

We here at AH! have talked about creating a fake dating web site for vikings rubes, because, well, that would just be hilarious. We'd have elaborate fake profiles that mirror this dude:

Syd Davy.

Everyone in the 5-state area recognizes him. I mean, read this bio, it's absolute gold. And if you're one of those people who are too lazy (even for internet standards) to click a simple link, watch this video:

The bio linked above is from this gem of a website:

You make "about me" profiles similar to myface or spacebook, and we could easily turn these into a fake dating website. Just need to come up with female profiles which could get tricky, but it would be far worth it.