Details of Mauer's Contract

Monday's Press Conference brought a lot of joy to every Minnesota Twins fan. Almost no one we have talked to here at AH! have been upset with the Mauer signing. He is the most popular current Minnesota Twin and with Target Field opening in few weeks, a spring training without a contract would have put a dark cloud over the new ballpark.

We know that the All-star catcher's contract features a 8 year, 184 million extension that makes him easily the highest paid catcher in baseball history. But that can't be all right? But what else was in that two page contract. The investigative reporters here at Alright Hamilton! got to the bottom of the biggest contract of the year.

If we enhance the above image we can get a little big of information on what exactly are the conditions of that record-breaking contract.

By using some intense photographic technology we can enhance the picture to see some details of the contract.


1. Sideburn clause: The hair connecting the hair on his head to where the hair for a beard would be (hereafter called 'sideburns') must be kept at approximately the same length as the bottom of the ear lobe. Mr. Mauer may not grow any other facial hair that could distract the viewer from his trademark sideburns nor may he grow out his hair to cover up the sideburns.

2. Quarterback clause: In the event that Brett Favre does not play for the Minnesota Vikings through the year 2018. Mr. Mauer will play quarterback for the Vikings and lead them to a Super Bowl championship.

3. Interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must continue to make an effort to become a better interviewee and actor for commercials by taking classes at local community theaters during the off season.

4. Over-interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must not become TOO interesting that he loses that home-grown-Minnesota charm that makes him the perfect poster boy for the Twins franchise.

5. Love clause: Mr. Mauer may find love if he wishes, but he must keep this love a secret. The Minnesota Twins rely on one of the largest female fan bases in all of baseball. If these women found out that Mr. Mauer was off the market, it could prove devastating for ticket and jersey sales.

6. Rap career clause: Former Minnesota Timberwolve Troy Hudson has volunteered his services to get Mr. Mauer's rap career off the ground.

7. Injury clause: Mr. Mauer may not get injured at anytime in the next nine years. However, if Mauer waves his no trade clause and gets traded, me must get injured within that first year with his new ball club.

There you have it. Some of the details to one of the most important events in Minnesota sports history. It's a little more specific than I was expecting but then again when has the AH! investigative team ever been wrong?

Joe Mauer Is the New Denny Hocking

By TwinsWin83

So I don’t know if you’ve heard or not but Joe Mauer signed some kind of blow your mind, wet your pants, pinch yourself to check reality-type deal with the Twins a few days ago. According to most sources, this is the greatest thing to happen to Twins fans, the state of Minnesota, and the majority of people living within the Western Hemisphere since the theatrical release of Little Big League.

Listen, I dig that the Twins signed the player who is the face of the franchise and accounts for a ridiculous amount of their fan-related revenue, but c'mon, who thinks he’s going to catch for the next nine years and be able to continue his current stats throughout that duration? No way. According to recent studies, catching makes you age at the same rate as a golden retriever. It can also lead to acid reflux, lazy eye and type II diabetes. The last thing Twins fans want is a catcher who is 186 in dog years, pops Prilosec like they’re Starburst jellybeans, and can look at both the first baseman and the blonde sitting down the third base line at the same time, all while draining $23 million from the team’s coffer each season.

Joe Mauer is every Minnesotans little 8 pound 6 ounce, newborn, infant baby Jesus. If something were to happen to him, everything we were told would take place on Y2K will happen for real in the Twin Cities. We’re talking about planes falling out of the sky, blackouts, riots, a Timberwolves win, looting, cannibalism and worst of all, Joe Mauer out of the lineup for an extended period of time.

Well I won’t stand for that. I won’t let the Twins brass be responsible for the end of human life in the Upper Midwest. So that means we need to come up with a list of possible spots for Mauer to play instead of catching, which is apparently as hazardous as Ice Truck driving.

1st Base- You might think this is a good spot for a former catcher in transition, but wait. We have another MVP playing there in Justin Morneau. And he’s awesome. Just ask a Canadian. No wait, don’t ask a Canadian. Even general contact with one and you could become sickly; addicted to Molson, hockey and talking shit about America.

Anyways, you can’t push Morneau out of his position. If we lose him who is going to carry the team down the stretch in Septe…….. Who is going to be the outspoken, confident clubhouse lead…… Who is not going to blame the Home Run Derby for his troubles at the pla……. Who is going to give Mauer crap about making a ton of money and try to mooch a supper off him? That’s right, only Morneau can shoulder that burden.

Middle Infield- No way. Nick Punto, Alexi Casilla, Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris can all play those positions. If they can’t get the job done then no one can.

3rd Base- Now this might be a spot for Mauer. We all know about the drama the Twins have had at 3rd since Corey Koskie left the team and returned home to Canada to raise sheep. One of the big qualms about taking Mauer out from behind the plate is that he handles the pitchers so well. Well, there is a simple solution to that problem; Mauer can call the games from his new position at 3rd. With simple hand gestures, audible coughs and sneezes, and the occasional nut-cup check, everyone else in the infield will know exactly what to do. The new catcher will never even have to put down a finger. And this way Mauer can sit back and literally watch his knees heal after years of catching. Who knows, he might steal 60 bases without having to deal with the strain of squatting behind the plate like a dairy farmer at the rear end of a cow.

Outfield- Um, absolutely. Anywhere you put Mauer in the outfield he is going to be awesome. I mean think about how the guy guns down stealing runners at second and third. Just imagine how much harder and straighter his throws will be from the outfield when he can get a running crow-hop. Wow. I mean who is going to tag from second to third when Mauer catches a ball in shallow left? No one, that’s who. And this way the Twins can move Delmon Young back to his natural position, bullpen catcher.

DH- Nope. You can’t make a legitimate case for putting his Golden Ticket Winning Wonka Bar-like talent on the bench except for his plate appearances. Can’t do it, so don’t try. And, call me crazy, but I think Jim Thome's best days are yet to come.

Pitcher- Maybe, if the Twins were a National League team. But the last time I checked baseball-reference.com they were not.

So there you have it. Your viable options are 3rd base and the outfield. What do you mean already knew that? Well then, I am sorry I just wasted your valuable time. I will get back to my Twilight book and you can head back to doing whatever it is that you do. If you’re really bored you can check out the new Twins commercial.

Mauer Contract Brings Balance to the Universe

Two Alright Hamilton contributors share their reflective and emotional thoughts on Joe Mauer's new contract.

Soup: I believe it was Mahatma Gandhi who once said, "Home is where the heart is." Well, Joe Mauer's heart is in Minnesota, and so is his employer for the next eight years. Our state can now collectively exhale.

Haas: It is indeed a huge relief. But was there really ever a doubt that this would happen? I mean, it was meant to be. It was written in the stars. He's our Baby Jesus, and the Twin Cities is Bethlehem. Jesus never left Bethlehem, so it's fate that Joe stays here.

Soup: Yes, and just like when Jesus signed his contract, Joe's new deal provides hope for those little boys and girls that are looking to be inspired. Joe Mauer and this contract are that inspiration. This contract sends a message that you can be a successful superstar and still remember where you came from and how you were raised.

Haas: It's true. He's probably the first superstar to ever remember where he came from. All the others forget and then sign with the Yankees. Hmmm.. Do you think he could have signed a larger contract in New York? Because I haven't heard that anywhere.

Soup: I'm glad you asked. The answer is YES! Mauer could have signed a bigger contract with some big market team, but he didn't. He chose to stay around. Being around the people he loves is more important than the bright lights and fame. This loyalty is refreshing for an athletic superstar to display in the wake of the Tiger Woods saga.

Haas: Yeah, he took a deep discount to stay with the Twins, settling for just $184 million bucks over eight years. That's loyalty.

But I have no doubt that loyalty wasn't the only force behind Mauer's decision to stay in Minnesota. He was acutely aware that the world would collapse if he didn't re-sign. Twins fans would blow up Target Field and Major League Baseball would spiral downward into anarchy. And society wouldn't be far behind. Joe Mauer knew what he had to do: save the world.

Soup: Since September 11, 2001 Minnesota has been looking for a hero. We have been looking for a leader. Maybe that person is Joe Mauer. Maybe not. What we do know, however, is that you can crash planes into our towers and we'll still be here. And for at least eight more years, so will Joe Mauer.

Haas: huh?

On Mauer: When do we panic?

It's fun to be negative. And for a sports fan, it's a great defense mechanism. After all, the pessimist is never disappointed. Yet, even as the Twins stare down the barrel of a gun, it seems most fans are acting remarkably optimistic. Heck, I think a lot of people even forgot about the fact that MAUER IS STILL UNSIGNED.

It's fair to say that everyone believed the free agent-to-be would have signed a lengthy extension by now. I'm wondering why I'm not freaking out. Maybe it's because - a) The Twins had a pretty great offseason and spring training is finally here. b) there are Target Field tickets, games and tours to think about c) No one else is freaking out. The media isn't even reporting or speculating on the negotiations anymore. It's bizarre. and d) It's too terrible to think about him leaving.

Of course, it's just plain hard to be negative in the spring. Still, I can't help but look back at last months Mark Rosen report and think of this:

MLB 10: The Show Review & Mauer Commercial

As any video game sports fan knows, Sony's MLB: The Show is the best baseball game franchise around (Sorry 2K sports, but it's true.) Unfortunately for most people the game is unattainable, seeing as it's only available on the Sony consoles. Since no one plays PS2 anymore, no one ones a PSP and 90% of people use their PS3s as glorified Blu-Ray players most of the people that read this wouldn't think twice about a game like this being released this Tuesday. But then again, most games like this don't have the greatest baseball player that ever lived.... Joesph Patrick Mauer.

One thing you might notice is that the cover actually says Joe's name and his credentials for being in the game right there at the bottom. I have never noticed that before on any game before. Seems to me that maybe the good people at Sony Computer Entertainment don't think that average Joe baseball fan will know who Mauer is. Also, not to get all paranoid or anything but doesn't it seem strange that you can't really see any good Twins signage. Possibly making it seem like a still up-to-date game once Mauer moves West? Possibly.

Anyway, to the game itself. Now since it doesn't come out until Tuesday you might be wondering how I got a chance to play it. I was at Best Buy the other day and I noticed that the PS3 didn't have the normal DJ Hero set up, and there was a big MLB: The Show (MLBTS) poster next to the TV. I thought at first it would just be the demo, but as I started playing I was delighted to find out it was the full build. Now, I should say that I am not 100% sure that it's the final build. The rosters were mostly up to date, Orlando Hudson was noticeably missing from the line up but that could be fixed with an release date online roster update.

The first thing I noticed about the game was that it was surprisingly similar to MLB: The Show 09. And that's not a bad thing, I am glad they didn't try and fix something that's not broken. The game does play smoother and looks noticeably more realistic. They added some features like the Home Run Derby and the All-Stars Futures Game but everything else seems to be the same. Now normally, at this point I would be saying, "if you don't have 60 bucks to drop on basically update rosters, don't. MLB: The Show 09 will do just fine." But then how would you play at Target Frickin' Field?

Target Field looks pretty awesome in the game, obviously the sponsors aren't all there. The big Budweiser sign in left field is replaced by some made up company (I can't remember what it is) but Minnie and Paul are there in center field. And yes, they do light up and shake hands after a home run. It's pretty cool playing in target field in late afternoon and seeing the lighting change and the signage light up. MLBTS now features day light transitions and long games will show shadows grow and the sun start to go down behind stadium.

The main draw of any MLBTS game is the RPG-like single player mode. You can start your career as a draft pick and work your way up to the majors. While last years version was awesome there was room for improvement. Fielding and pitching drills will be added to the already strong hitting and base running modes. But the biggest improvement is the ability to be the catcher in this mode. (Possibly, the main reason for using Mr. Minnesota on the cover.) In catcher mode you will be able to take advantage of knowing all the hot and cold zones and hitting tendencies of all the opposing players and be able to call the entire game from behind the dish. Hopefully, you have a good enough pitcher to see those plans through.

It's clear that Sony really outdid themselves on this game and I have no problem dropping 60 bucks on all these improvements. But I'd be lying if I said that having Joe Mauer on the cover hasn't affected my decision. Hell, I even bought The Bigs.

The Mauer Commercial

The television spot for the video game features Mauer's finest acting performance to date. He's composed, affable and truly engaging. He's like the Joe Mauer of acting. It's hard to say how the producers were able to bring out this previously unseen version of Joe Mauer. Some have suggested the crew and director locked themselves in the studio with the catcher until they got it right. They were there for six days.



Others believe Joe had an acting coach, who taught him radical new acting techniques. Chief among them was the aptly named, "Mauer Method." It's similar to Stanislavski's Method, where the actor immerses their self within the role so deep that the acting is barely even acting: it's the character being natural. The Mauer Method is trickier. It's believed that the other actor in the commercial was paid to go, in character, down to Mexico with Joe Mauer. They drank tequila and went fishing. The baseball player truly thought he was hanging out with the vice president of Sony.

When they got back to shoot the commercial, Mauer thought it was just a video conference. He was truly shocked when the dude didn't know who he was. It's totally believable when he's like, "dude, we went fishing in Cabo!"



Because they did!

Essay Contest: Orlando Hudson or Joe Mauer?

Yesterday, Twins territory was teased by rumors of imminent and important deals. The club was reported to be engaged in "serious discussions" with free-agent second baseguy Orlando Hudson. Plus, Mark Rosen came on the radio to report the Twins and Joe Mauer had agreed "in principal" on a new ten-year contract. It was an exciting day for those of us who follow the Twins disgustingly close.

If both those deals actually occur, it would represent a wild shift in (how most perceive) the teams' philosophy: cheap, cheap and cheap. The payroll would push towards $95 million, which is pretty wild considering they're opening day 2008 payroll was just $56 million.

And that's why all this seems too good to be true. It just doesn't seem possible that the Twins would shell out $3 million to Hudson and $220 million to Mauer; not for Twins fans who have spent half their lives complaining about their clubs frugal ways.

So here's the (strictly hypothetical) quandary: If you can only sign one player, which would you choose?


A few things to chew on:

- Hudson would take valuable at-bats from developing prospect Nick Punto.

- They'd have to sign Mauer to a long, long contract - seven to ten years. By that time he could be 40 to 45 years old.

- Mauer has lots of family in the area, but Hudson has NONE.

- Hudson could hit second in the lineup, instead of Jerry White.

- Mauer is a troublemaker

- Twins would have to get Hudson a new jersey and everything. Mauer already has one.

- A huge Mauer contract would eat up nearly a quarter of the teams payroll. Would the Twins have enough money left for that new dress they've had their eye on?

- Hudson is a shrimp boat captain.


Essays are due by tonight (Tuesday) at 11:55pm CST. Post them in the comments section or e-mail them to me (haasertime (at) yahoo)

Please, no funny solutions like "I think they should first sign Hudson and then use some of the Shrimp Boat money to help keep Mauer Chevrolet afloat to build goodwill with the Mauer Family so he'll sign back with us next winter after we trade him to Seattle for Ichiro in July"

Because I already thought of that.

Mauer Contract Coming Soon?

There have been very unofficial and unconfirmed rumors swirling that Twins catcher Joe Mauer and the team will come to terms on a new contract soon. Although team officials and Mauer himself remain tight-lipped, a couple people seem convinced the announcement could come within 36 hours.

Star Tribune sports columnist tweeted this morning:

Hum is getting louder that Twins will announce Mauer contract extension as kickoff to Twins Fest.

And former Twins beat writer Howard Sinker reluctantly blogged this:

This one is dicey and I'm hesitant to share. But I'd feel like I was holding out if I didn't ... and I am totally confident you all understand the difference between reporting and passing along web chatter. One of my Facebook friends posted this as his status after going to the ESPN taping with Joe Mauer at Cretin-Derham Hall las night: "Talked to Reilly after the interview and he said Shapiro (Mauer's agent) told him that everyone will be surprised at how quickly things may get done."

It would certainly be perfect timing for the organization, with the state turning it's attention from the Vikings to the Twins, and the annual TwinsFest kicking off Friday evening. With excitement ratcheting up toward the opening of Target Field, the Twins stand to sell a lot of tickets, and a Mauer contract would certainly help. A marketing move this shrill hasn't been seen since the guy who decided to put bumper stickers on the rear bumper.

Joe Mauer Google Clues

If Joe Mauer doesn't play for the Twins in 2011, it would be a major blow to my fandom. I don't want him to play for anyone else, but if he played for the Yankees, I'd be especially nauseous. I'd be so mad at Billy Smith that I'd probably puke. I'd find him and I'd puke on him.

There hasn't been any news at all about the negotiations. I've been desperately searching for any clues about Mauers' intentions.

But I wish I hadn't, after I discovered this..

BronxBoi2 does Sabrmetrics

Controversial Yankee fan and guest poster, BronxBoi2, is back. Now with Sabrmetrics

Sup, D Bags

BronxBoi2 back in this bitch. Some of you internet trolls will probably say that I'm over-exaggerating the unjustices of the MVP that faced Derek Jeter and Mark Teixeira. But this year's voting was LITERALLY THE MOST MONUMENTAL ROBBING OF ALL TIME IN THE SOCIETY WE LIVE IN TODAY!!!!!

To put this debate to sleep once and forever, I have made a sabrmetric. This sabrmetric demonstrates imperially WHO IS THE TRUE MVP for 2009 and all substantive years following. This stat is all-conclusive because it uses all five assets that make a great baseball player: batting average, home runs, runs batted in, intangibles, and defense.

So not that I have to ration my logic to you stat-humpers that live in your mom's basement and probably can't even throw a baseball because you'll start wheezing because of your asthma, but this stat is super complex. So, try not to get too excited and make a mess all over your computer...no pun intended...lol.

I call it BronxBoi Everything Statistic, or as it is abbreviated, BBES. The fist part of BBES is the batting average. You Minnesota fans are all to familiar with this stat BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY STAT that Joe Mauer could even hang his coat on for his MVP case. IT'S THE ONLY OF THE THREE OFFENSIVE STATS THAT HE WAS BETTER THAN TEX!!!! But you guys have been literally drinking so much kool-aid that you can't even see your own face!! As I'll show you it is important, but it is NOT EVERYTHING in determining an MVP!

The standard barrier for a good BA is .300. So, the BBES looks at the percentage someone's BA is superior or subsuperior to .300.

[(BA/300) x 100] -100

Then for HR you add the number of HRs a player hit. BTW, Tex HIT 39!!!!

+ HR

Then for RBI you add the number of runs batter in a player had. Tex HAD 122!!!

+ RBI

Now for the most important part, intangibles. This is something you Minnesota mouth breeders will NEVER UNDERSTAND. This includes blatant stuff like being the captain of your team, playing in a meat cooker mega-media environment, diving on the ground, sacrifice bunting, playing the game the right way, trying really hard, and giving yourself up for your team no matter what all the time. Each player's intangible rating is created by me and my bros P Dawg and Middy.

What's our qualifications?!?! Um, let me think...We call into talk radio stations at least three times a week and comment on at least ELEVEN different sports websites EVERY DAY!!! And we watch baseball ALL THE TIME when we're not out partying :P The scale for the rating is .100 for the most intangibles and .000 for no intangibles.

x Intangible Rating

Leaving defense out of determining the best baseball player would be oxymoron. Seriously. So, the BBES includes the defensive stat, Gold Gloves won the year previously.

+ Number of Gold Gloves

So the final equation looks like this:

{[(BA/300)x100] - 100 + HR + RBI} x IR + GG

Let's look at Joe Mauer's BBES first and for most:

{[365/300x100] - 100 + 28 + 96} x .038 + 1 = 6.54

Now Tex:

{[292/300x100] - 100 + 39 + 122} x .06 + 1 = 10.5

Now Jeter:

{[334/300x100] - 100 + 18 + 66} x .10 + 1 = 10.53

There you have it, D bags. These facts are undeniably strait from the horses mouth. Derek Jeter intangibles narrowly out-pushes Tex for the best overall player in baseball. As you can see crystal clear Joe Mauer is not even in the conversation. The numbers LITERALLY DON'T LIE!!!

Oh, and BTdubs...STILL. WORLD. CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guest post: Mark Teixeira 2009 AL MVP

We here at Alright Hamilton! like to be open-minded. In that spirit, we welcome Yankee fan and avid internet commenter, BronxBoi2, to break down the 2009 AL MVP race.

Hands down Mark Teixeira is your MVP this year without a question. It's undisputable. Sure Joe Mauer is having a good year. He leads the league in batting average. But you idiots have to open your eyes and see that batting average isn't the ONLY STATISTIC!! THERE ARE TWO MORE!!! Did you really think that people wouldn't notice that Mauer is leading the league in only ONE of the THREE STATS?!?!

Tex is pwning Mauer in the other two: RBI and HRs. So, let me check the math...Tex: 2 Mauer: 1. Um, last time I checked TWO IS BIGGER THAN ONE!!!. It's TWICE as many.!!! Tex's stats have been throwing Mauer under the bus all year. Mauer wouldn't be the MVP if it hit him in the face. This MVP race is apples and oranges.

And there are people in baseball society today that say that Mauer is better at slugging than Tex and that is just ignoramous. How can this be possible when Tex has slugged more HR AND RBI?!?! That point is muted.

And who cares if Mauer is a catcher. People say, "That's really good for a catcher." People also say that Candace Parker is good at basketball for a girl but nobody is saying she should be the NBA MVP! It's not Tex's fault that catcher aren't very good at offense. If Mauer wanted to be better at offense he should have played a better position.

Moreover, people that say that Tex's defense is not world class are impunible. Maybe these guys that make up these defensive stats in their mother's basement should actually look up from their calculators and LITERALLY WATCH HIM PLAY!!! I've seen with my own two eyes an insurmountable number of great defensive plays. If he doesn't win a gold glove it will be abominal.

They main reason Tex should win is because the Yankees are way better than the Twins. Seriously, where would the Yankee line-up be without Tex? It would be Johny Damon, Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher, Hideki Matsui, Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, and that's it. They Yankees would be NOWHERE WITHOUT TEX! And the Twins aren't even in the playoffs, so without a doubt end of conversation hands down.