Friday, March 26, 2010

Details of Mauer's Contract

Monday's Press Conference brought a lot of joy to every Minnesota Twins fan. Almost no one we have talked to here at AH! have been upset with the Mauer signing. He is the most popular current Minnesota Twin and with Target Field opening in few weeks, a spring training without a contract would have put a dark cloud over the new ballpark.

We know that the All-star catcher's contract features a 8 year, 184 million extension that makes him easily the highest paid catcher in baseball history. But that can't be all right? But what else was in that two page contract. The investigative reporters here at Alright Hamilton! got to the bottom of the biggest contract of the year.

If we enhance the above image we can get a little big of information on what exactly are the conditions of that record-breaking contract.

By using some intense photographic technology we can enhance the picture to see some details of the contract.

1. Sideburn clause: The hair connecting the hair on his head to where the hair for a beard would be (hereafter called 'sideburns') must be kept at approximately the same length as the bottom of the ear lobe. Mr. Mauer may not grow any other facial hair that could distract the viewer from his trademark sideburns nor may he grow out his hair to cover up the sideburns.

2. Quarterback clause: In the event that Brett Favre does not play for the Minnesota Vikings through the year 2018. Mr. Mauer will play quarterback for the Vikings and lead them to a Super Bowl championship.

3. Interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must continue to make an effort to become a better interviewee and actor for commercials by taking classes at local community theaters during the off season.

4. Over-interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must not become TOO interesting that he loses that home-grown-Minnesota charm that makes him the perfect poster boy for the Twins franchise.

5. Love clause: Mr. Mauer may find love if he wishes, but he must keep this love a secret. The Minnesota Twins rely on one of the largest female fan bases in all of baseball. If these women found out that Mr. Mauer was off the market, it could prove devastating for ticket and jersey sales.

6. Rap career clause: Former Minnesota Timberwolve Troy Hudson has volunteered his services to get Mr. Mauer's rap career off the ground.

7. Injury clause: Mr. Mauer may not get injured at anytime in the next nine years. However, if Mauer waves his no trade clause and gets traded, me must get injured within that first year with his new ball club.

There you have it. Some of the details to one of the most important events in Minnesota sports history. It's a little more specific than I was expecting but then again when has the AH! investigative team ever been wrong?


haasertime said...

Women are seriously obsessed with Joe Mauer. The Strib's Michael Rand said today, "I heard that "Is Joe Mauer Married?" was the most frequent Google search done in Minnesota on Monday"

That may be a bit of a stretch. But it's clear the girls love him and they're totally in the dark. Mauer knows exactly what he's doing.

congratulations everyone. I think this is the first time in a very long time that we had five new blogs all week. A real team effort.

brex said...

Yea I can't keep up with this blog anymore. Post every damn day? slow down!

Got a chuckle from this today

millie said...

I believe Mr. Mauer is already in violation of the sideburn clause.
If we were to compare side-by-side(burn) photos of past seasons and this current season (someone else dig up the photos, I'm too lazy), I believe it would be apparent that the burns in question have been gradually might say, by just a hair...or maybe his earlobes are just growing longer.

millie said...

...and by the way, little girls are obsessed with Joe Mauer.
Real women appreciate the mystery and beastly strength of Mr. Kubel.