by Raoul Duke
There was a sense of curious foreboding in recent baseball news. Within one week of the Yankees winning the World Series, strange and horrible things were happening in every major league city. Derek Jeter won his fourth gold glove, prompting statisticians to throw themselves from buildings. Former slugger Sammy Sosa debuted his Taco tribute band, leaving the public appalled at his freshly bleached skin. In Minnesota, thousands of Twins fans lined up for hours for a chance to buy old, shabby promotional items recovered from the bowels of the Metrodome. Commissioner Selig was reportedly delighted at the news out of Venezuela: Victor Zambrano's mother was thrown to a reckless horde of criminals in exchange for Mark McGwire, who will become the Cardinals hitting coach next year.
No one can be sure what it all means. Some think of the radical growth in the absurdity and degradation of recent baseball happenings as a metaphor of contemporary American society. Others have simply recoiled in horror at the sheer volume and breadth of opinion, scandal and general depravity. Feelings of confusion and fear are choking the baseball industry.
At the forefront of this new wave of unpredictability is Minnesota Twins GM Bill Smith. The shadowy executive arrived at the Chicago winter meetings with his finger on the trigger. The round, bespectacled man draws comparisons to famous Minnesota democrats, Hubert Humphrey and Walter Mondale - a man of few words who plays things close to the vest, but he's constantly looking to make a deal. His predecessors in the GM chair were men of principal, stubborn enough to sit on their hands because of pride, even as their team collapsed around them. They could have been mistaken for members of Nixon's cabinet. Billy Smith rolled into his leather chair ready to make a name for himself, and he's succeeded.
In what seemed like his first week on the job, Smith had traded a two time Cy Young winner to the east for two dozen bushels of Persian dill rice, and sent a young fireballer to Tampa in exchange for some high-quality black Lebanese hashish. The moves haven't turned out well for the Twins, who find themselves unable to climb to the next level.
The alarming thing about all this is the public's reaction to the mad man - Twins followers appear quietly enthralled with Smith. After years of tedious inaction from Twins leadership, a guy who will flip players without warning is entertaining and fun. He landed shortstop JJ Hardy last week in a shocking, seemingly impulsive trade with Milwaukee. And no one can be sure of just what more Smith is capable of.
The past few years of Twins baseball have left the fans frenzied and desperate, and they've given their trust to a man who promises to end the mediocrity - one way or another, straight to the cellar or straight to the top. There are four empty roster spots and a trigger happy baseball architect.
But what now? What comes next?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Guest Post: Raoul Duke Talks Twins
Friday, September 18, 2009
Now or never stream of consciousness
It's now or never. Time to make the move. Backs are against the wall. Crap or get off the pot. This is the time. If I don't drink this milk by 1:48 PM Friday September 18, 2009, it's all over.
At that exact minute, this milk bottle of milk will have gone bad.1:48? fine. But, 1:49? Don't think so, hot shot. I have never seen milk gone bad, and I certainly don't want to. If Ernest Scared Stupid has taught me anything, it's that you don't want "dat milk punch gawn bad." And watch Ernest Scared Stupid again. You'll thank me. It's got everything you could possible want in a movie. A tree house/fort, goblins, Supersoakers, Earnest. Anyway, wish me luck. I have about 1.4 liters of milk to drink in the next two hours and 38 minutes.
And I can't just simply pour the milk down the sink. For this milk isn't just any milk. This milk received an A1 grade by the Seoul Dairy Coop. It says so right on the carton. That's the best milk. There is no grade better. So projectile vomit or no, it will be done. In conclusion, I would like to invite everyone to my place for a milk drinking party.
Speaking of now or never...how about the series this weekend, huh? Like, uber-important, you guys. It's the fourth quarter. Ninth inning two outs. This is our time. It's not how you start, it's how you finish. Let's sweep the Tigers and put them behind an eight ball between a rock and a hard place. We need a never say die attitude and keep battling. It's a 162 game season.
I'm just not scared of the Tigers. They are probably a better team than we are, but who cares. They hate winning their division. They haven't done so since 1987. And now they've been jinxed!!!
I've actually always kind of liked Miguel Cabrera. Him hitting that walk-off single on an intentional ball was one of the coolest things in the long history of things. And I kinda like that he's lazy. That, I can relate to. Being good at baseball...I have no idea what that's like. My greatest baseball moment was a home run I hit on a little league field in a "league" my friends and I made up in college. My only home run ever. The ball actually hit the top of the fence and weakly bounced over. The left fielder could have easily caught the ball but he was taking off his shirt at the time. Just the most pathetic home run ever.
And the worse part is that I didn't even celebrate the once in a lifetime event. I just quietly jogged around the bases. I guess I was shocked. For years I had been carefully planning my HR trot. A big bat flip, stare at the pitcher all the way to first, moonwalk to second, worm to third, C-Walk home and then hump home plate for two minutes. I guess, the best laid plans of mice and men...(is there more to that saying?)
Sorry, back to the Tigers.
Prediction: sweep
Analysis: have you been to this blog before?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
First Half Review: AL Central Shipwrecks
Cleveland Indians - Lusitania - The Lusitania was an English ocean liner that was torpedoed by a German sub in 1915. The killing of 1,198 passengers helped change public opinion against Germany, and helped set the stage for The Great War. Likewise, Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge thought they could sail to the top of the AL Central without problems from the rest of the division. They made small upgrades by adding Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa, but ignored warning signs about their lack of starting pitchers, and ultimately, were shot down. Like the Lusitania, the horrific sinking of the Indians won't come without repercussions. Cleveland will realize the changes that need to be made, and have a much stronger second half.
Kansas City Royals - Edmund Fitzgerald - The Royals are taking on water, with a payroll $70 million dollars more than Dayton Moore's wallet weighs empty. They're a lot like the Edmund Fitzgerald - people know of them, but they don't know them. If it wasn't for that song, no one would know the tragic story of the shipwreck, and if the Royals didn't play the Yankees twice per season, no one would know how bad they are. It's no big loss when Kansas City sinks, because only 29 people care.
Minnesota Twins - USS Monitor - The Civil War Ironclad USS Monitor changed the face of naval battle by making shrewd trades and developing young talent. Impervious to enemy fire, (at least until the playoffs) the Twins set the standard for other organizations. However, the design was so fragile that one wrong move would send them under. Choppy seas and one small, but crucial design element (TB trade) sunk the Twins. The Monitor was still a revolutionary ship. The blueprints are there. Can Billy Smith realize his error, tweak the design and build a great ship?
Chicago White Sox - Bismarck - The White Sox sunk our favorite battleship in game 163 last season, now we want revenge. The Bismarck is the most feared ship in the division, made of pure evil, and built to destroy. Sink the Bismarck.
Detroit Tigers - Titanic - Sure, the Tigers are on top now. Built several years ago at a large cost, they're just bulky and immobile now. Guess what, Tigers? Iceberg, dead ahead!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Headlines
I was going to write some Twins news stories, but I just wrote the headlines for news stories instead. It's a lot easier. Feel free to add on your own headlines.
Blackburn loses it in the 8th, eats Blizzard
Kubel shuns spotlight, request national media respect his privacy.
Harris calls Gardenhire's Tweets 'banal', gets benched
Austin girl optimistic about Mauer's Facebook friend acceptance.
Punto relieved burglars left slip-n-slide, no leads on cars or furniture
Gomez claims he knew all along that "Chase for 400" was not the sequel to "300," Redmond disputes.
Gomez and Tolbert chess matched delayed indefinitely for trampoline jumping
Gardenhire to be keynote speaker at the 2009 SABR convention
Casilla's instructional camp produces back-to-back-to-back NAIA champions
A couple of other actual headlines from this week
Monkey urinates on Zambian president
Money quote: "You have urinated on my jacket," a startled Banda told the monkey, one of many that makes their home in the trees outside his offices.
Oh, Zambia
Oklahoma City woman trades sex for case of chips
We've all been there. Don't judge.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Coomer's Emotions Through Yesterday's Game
Top of Eleventh: Cabrera hits in to double play.
Top of Twelfth: Inge hits in to double play.
Crede hits a walk-off grand slam in the Thirteenth to win
Sunday, April 26, 2009
A Quick Q & A with Batting Stance Guy
If you haven't heard of Batting Stance Guy yet, you need to stop whatever it is that you are doing right now, and either check out his website or his YouTube page. Go ahead, I'll wait...
Okay, are you back? Good. How awesome is that, right? I know, it's great.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Batting Stance Guy, or BSG as the cool kids say, has been making the rounds all over major league baseball. He's been on the MLB Network, ESPN's E:60, and interviewed by the New York Times.
Alright Hamilton! got the chance to sit down with BSG. Well, we didn't get to literally sit down with him, but through the magic of the interwebs he did answer a few questions for us. Since BSG is a man in high demand these days, we decided to not ask the basic background questions, if you want to know those check out the NYT article and this one from Ball Hype.
Let's get it started.
AH: First and foremost, are you good at baseball?
BSG: Well, high school varsity was 1/2 my life ago. Better than people that stink.
AH: Whose stance does your "real stance" most resemble?
BSG: Ryne Sandberg
AH: Did you come up with the name "Batting Stance Guy," or how did that come about?
BSG: Once Bill Simmons ran it on his page for a few weeks a friend said, you should get battingstanceguy.com or something. Done. Thanks Jeff Hetschel.
AH: What would you be doing right now if YouTube didn't exist?
BSG: wow- that really made the difference. uhhh, not having MLB players introducing themselves to me, that's for sure. Not being in slo-mo on ESPN, and not studying Denard Span as closely.
AH: You always seem to have your black whiffle ball bat, how many of those do you have?, do you use a new one for every video?
BSG: Bought a lot of 6 on ebay. knew we'd need to break one in half for the Bo Jackson installment of the Royals video. I guess we didn't have enough left over for the Chili Davis strikeout bat breaking tantrum.
AH: I saw somewhere that you said your favorite team was the "Hrbek Twins," why the Twins and why Hrbek?
BSG: Somehow he became my favorite player in 83-84. I played firstbase and wore 14. Now, I wasn't into Pro Wrestling and didn't name my wrestling alter-ego T-Rex, but thought he was cool. Also- one of the first games I ever attended was at the old Metropolitan Stadium.
AH: Which Hrbek Twins team was your favorite the Hrbek and Gary Ward Twins or the Hrbek and Shane Mack Twins?
BSG: Love the baby blue road jerseys and the TC hats....but the Shane Mack era for sure.
AH: I know it's been talked about, but have you been approached by 2K sports or anybody about doing motion capture for future MLB video games?
BSG: Sony Playstation had me do the motion capturing for MLB '09 The Show. So, in the game, if Aki Iwamura appears to have the skills of a 35 year old college intramural softball player... well...
AH: Speaking of monetizing this "least marketable skill", have you thought of doing your videos in front of a wall with advertisements or anything?
BSG: A good idea. We've tried to have this whole thing be really organic and not become work or burdensome, so everything we've done has been solicited by others. The Twins, Dodgers, Brewers, Angels, Red Sox and Padres all contacted us. MLB Network, ESPN, Fox, Sony, Steiner Sports, Yardbarker & the NYTimes all approached us. Meaning we haven't tried to "milk" this thing for all we can. Trying to have fun with it and go with the opportunities that are presented.
AH: Has anyone ever asked you to imitate their kid's little league stance? I know one of our contributors, Haas, said he would give you a Cristian Guzman ball to imitate him.
BSG: Nice. Once I had a girl in a group ask for a bunch of old Brewers and when I did the requested Jim Gantner they all died laughing because the requester is Gantner's daughter. Hey, let's go Haas.
AH: Have you ever had requests for a players batting stance imitation that you've never heard of?
BSG: Usually, it's some dude saying John McDowell. I say, Don't know him...then the dudes boasts, "HaHa I stumped you! It's my cousin, he's in the Indians farm system." Uh, yeah dude, not really up to speed with the minors.
AH: You've been to every ballpark in Major league baseball. Do you remember the game at the dome and What did you think of it?
BSG: Well, I love it for the 87 & 91 series. The Puckett seat being a different color is great. Personally, I'll always vote for an outdoor stadium. I've probably seen 4 games there.
AH: Do you have any plans to visit the new Target field next year?
BSG: Love to. Remember, all this BSG stuff is just a ploy to get invited to Hrbek's 50th birthday next year.
AH: What were your favorite ball parks and what made them great?
BSG: Wrigley and Fenway for their classic nature. AT&T Park for its beauty. It is unbelievable.
Kaufman reminds me of my Little League field (hills, roads, trees, crowd size).
AH: Be honest, how many Batting Stance Guy Tote Bags have you sold?
BSG: The same number of times you've been to Anoka or Coon Rapids to meet girls.......dozens.
AH: Ron Coomer didn't seem too impressed with your interpretation of his stance, but most of the players seem to like it; have you ran into anyone that took offense to your impression of their batting stance?
BSG: Yesterday in the San Jose Mercury News this was written:
This has been viewed by virtually everyone in the Giants clubhouse, and his Rich Aurilia at the end gets the biggest laughs – except from Aurilia.AH: You've been making the rounds to a lot of big league locker rooms, what team has been the best to be around?
“It blows,” Aurilia said. “Everybody else gets a hit but I strike out.”
BSG: Still surprised by the "what up" hug from Big Papi and 30 minute conversation with Kevin Youkilis. The Sox were great, but I met almost every Angel last year.
AH: What team sucked the most?
BSG: I had a really awkward conversation with Josh Beckett.
AH: You've been on ESPN and interviewed by the New York Times, besides us at Alright Hamilton!, what has been the best interview, video shoot etc, you have experienced so far?
BSG: Hanging with Papi, Youkilis, Pedroia, etc. was surreal. The MLB Network Reds piece with Barry Larkin & Sean Casey got the best response.
AH: Okay, last question, if your videos had a sound track what would it be?
BSG: Super Mario Bros. Something intrinsically uncool, yet, loaded with nostalgia and you find yourself humming it for years, while laughing.
AH: Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions.
BSG: No problem.
If you can't get enough of BSG, like us at AH! you can follow him on twitter or at his website.
Monday, April 20, 2009
By the Numbers: I left the Kubel game early
Of course, when I left The Kubel Game, it wasn't called that. Here is my rationale for leaving Friday nights game early.
5 - runs the Angels scored in the top of the 7th, breaking a 2-2 tie. The inning took like an hour, and featured some of the most frustrating baseball ever. Like when Brendan Harris didn't get to second base after Punto made a diving stop.
0 and 2 - the count to Torii Hunter before he worked a two out walk to prolong the top of the 7th inning. This was after an intentional walk to Bob Abreu and before a couple more base hits.
1 - more run the Angels scored in the top of the 8th, pushing the score to 9-4. Thanks, bullpen.
0 - dollars I paid to get into the game. Thanks, Dad.
8 - more players to bat before Kubel gets another chance to bat. I knew he was going for the cycle, but he struck out in the bottom of the 7th stranding a guy on third. I didn't think he would get another at-bat..
4 - 7 was the Twins record coming into Fridays game. The offense was streaky and the bullpen was brutal. There was nothing to suggest that the Twins were capable of putting up the...
5 - runs needed to tie the game. They had only scored four runs in the first seve
n innings of the game, and they had only two innings left.
300 + - the weight of the lady sitting to my right. Her fat was hanging over the armrest. I was not comfortable.
E - 9 - I was watching third base coach Scott Ulger as the ball bounced into the right field corner. He was holding Kubel at second, then quickly changed his mind and waved his hand, ushering him to third. Why the change of heart? Because Abreu had bobbled the ball. I was shocked when it was ruled a clean triple.
6 hours I had spent at the Toronto game on Wednesday. I took a kid early to see batting practice and stayed late to get autographs. I was the first person ever to spend six hours to see my team lose 12-2. I was metrodomed out.
0 - real, logical excuses for my having left that game early. I left right after the Angels scored their 9th run, in the top of the 8th. I got home and turned on the T.V. just in time to see Kubel bash a Grand Slam to win the game and complete the cycle, and I actually yelled, "NOOOO!!!!!"
I had stayed last week when there were no on and two out in the bottom of the ninth. I rode my bike to the Dome last Tuesday to watch Crede bash one over the centerfielders head in the 11th. But I was an idiot on Friday.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Opening Day swagger
It's Opening Day, people. What the hell are you doing on the internet?
Opening Day: from the Latin oris dies. It was an ancient Pagan holiday in which Druids would drink lambs' blood and make forts out of blankets in their living rooms. Now it's a holiday devoted to baseball. And it's awesome.
There are Twins related activities all day! Unfortunately it isn't technically recognized by work places or schools, but this obstacle can be overcome with a simple and fraudulent tale of uncontrollable diarrhea. Or you can just tell them that you're half Druid and you need the day off for religious reasons.
What other day of the year can you just drive in front of the Metrodome and nice people hand you hot dogs, potato chips, and coffee for breakfast? The answer is no other days of the year. Hot dogs for breakfast! If you can't get excited about baseball and a free hot dog for breakfast, well...
And I'm not sure what it is, but it seems that the Twins got a little bit of a swagger heading into this season. Maybe it's the rookies that contributed significantly last season having a little more experience. Maybe it's a healthy Liriano. Maybe it's the apparent healing of Joe Mauer's inflamed Sports Illustrated Joint. Maybe it's the stellar defense we will be trotting out there. Maybe it's not having Craig Monroe, Livan Hernandez, Tony Batista, Rondell White, or Mike Lamb starting.
H/T HaasWednesday, March 25, 2009
Fact Check: Sadaharu Oh vs Beastie Boys
Sadaharu Oh is the greatest player in Japanese baseball history. In his 31 year career, he amassed 2,786 hits and 868 home runs.
The Beastie Boys are a pioneering rap trio from Brooklyn, earning commercial and critical success in their 23 year career.
The song, 'Hey Ladies,' from their 1988 LP, 'Pauls Boutique,' includes the following line:
[We have] more hits than Sadaharu Oh
On occasion, hip-hop artists have been known to stretch the truth to appear more successful and attractive to consumers and peers. They often boast of accolades, but with so much information out there, how do we know the truth?
Someone needs to hold these public figures accountable, in a non-partisan environment. We here at Alright Hamilton believe that objective analysis often trumps baseless claims. With that in mind, we present the following:
Beastie Boys
Hits/Singles: 28
Sadaharu Oh
Hits: 2,786
.
