Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sometimes people bring beach balls to the Metrodome

Isn't that fun?!?! I know my two year old nephew loves hitting beach balls up in the air.

...Then he bangs a fork on the table and poops his pants...because he is a small child. Apparently those that bring beach balls to baseball games are like-minded.

I really do not get these people. I mean, the wave and throwing program paper airplanes are similarly infantile. But these acts of baseball malfeasance are acts of passion. Kids get bored and make paper airplanes. Teenage boys crave attention and try to start the wave. But bringing a beach ball to a baseball game with the intent to inflate? Well, that shit is premeditated.

Let me tell you a story of a time when Iwitnessed the complete life of a beach ball at the Metrodome. There was a beach ball in play. I don't remember if I audibly expressed annoyance, but I tried to ignore the oohs, awes, and drools, of those fascinated by a colorful sphere that moved clunkily about the crowd. Of course, a usher confiscated the ball, dumb people booed, and I was thankful. Then something inexplicable happened.

There was a couple two rows in front of me. They seemed like a very normal late-twenties or early-thirties Minnesota couple. They were both wearing ordinary jeans and Twins jersey T-shirts. I don't remember which players they were wearing, but because this is my story and you won't know the difference if I lie -- let's say she was wearing a Punto and he was wearing a Radke. They seemed like those kind of people. Oh, and he was probably wearing one of those Dairy Queen give-away hats with the Velcro strap in the back.

Then, before my very eyes, The guy suddenly pulls a deflated beach ball out of his pocket, blows it up, and hits it into the upper general crowd. She smiles him on approvingly.

The most troubling thing about this is that it had to be planned out. Maybe one of them had a beach ball readily available in his or her residence, but or more plausibly, he or she had to go to a store that sells beach balls and actually pay money for one. I imagine their conversation for a beach-ball-at-a-baseball-game went something like this.

Brian: Hey honey. I got to take a little detour. Daddy's got to make a stop.
Nikki: why?
Brian: You'll see
(Brian comes out of the dollar store.)
Niki: what did you get?
Brian: A little something I like to call a "beach ball" BOOYAH!
Niki: You so crazy, Brian
Brian: Hey baby, I just like to have fun.
(Brian and Niki tongue kiss for a few minutes)
Niki: This is gunna be a hoot...beach a baseball game...I tell, ya.

So, here's hoping Target Field will be a place where people go to ball park to watch baseball. We don't need slides or swimming pools or picnic areas or human waves or beach balls. We just need baseball.


Anonymous said...

A few weeks ago Wednesday, I witnessed a man acting out and voicing his opinion on having multiple beachballs being smacked back and forth between an abundance of college age dudes. The 40 something man stood, spiked a ball, and stabbed it with the pen with which he was taking score. Can you believe the college dudes were ready to throw the gloves for such an offense!? The man ended up being removed (hopefully to the front row) by security guards, because there were so many people yelling at him. I wish student night's tickets were for the seats behind the curtain. Putting those dudes in their own little playpen, where they can poop their pants without us seeing it.

Anonymous said...

We don't need no cowbells or rally monkies, either, I tells ya!

At a college graduation I attended recently, many beach balls were bouncing around the crowd and the assembled graduates in the outdoor amphitheater. But, hey, it was California, and we weren't there to watch anything, really. Just to be there. And the beach balls weren't flying during the speeches or the walk across the stage, so actually it was kind of OK.

The air horns, on the other hand -- annoying.


Daymonster said...

I am going to bring some giant beach balls with "ALRIGHT HAMILTON!" written on them and send them flying everywhere.

bizmarkie507 said...

to be fair, when i was 19-22 I loved getting wasted at Twins games and had a lot of fun hitting the beach ball when it came to me. And even though I think these college kids are idiots, I'd be a hypocrite if I complained about them now that I am older.

What I can rip on are loud idiot drunks who try and start the wave at the wrong time and tough guy assholes, because even when i was younger i always thought those people sucked.

bizmarkie507 said...

Daymonster = brilliant marketing strategist.

soup said...

I hear what you're saying, Biz. We are all allowed to act a little young and stupid when we are young and stupid. But have you ever actually brought a beach ball to a baseball game?

Daymonster said...

Biz, have you ever brought a beach ball anywhere? Even the beach? Beach balls suck, they are too easily effect by the wind.

Daymonster said...


haasertime said...

Watching a beachball bounce around the metrodome crowd gives me a headache..yet I can't look away.

It's pretty funny when an outfielder will pick a fallen beachball and then throw it back to the crowd. Fuckin' carl crawford.

bizmarkie507 said...

No I never brought a beach ball to anything ever.

I love Carl Crawford. I wish we had him instead of Delmon right now. Yes I said it.

Baseball_Lipgloss said...

When boos from the Beach Ball Supporters are so loud that you (and average fan in an average section) become confused and try to figure out what kind of play you just missed that would cause those boos. Then you finally realize it was just the Beach Ball Supporters booing at an usher. Now, that’s just sad.