Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Detroit Tigers stream of consciousness

Let's do a stream of consciousness narrative on the Detroit Tiger coming to town.

I have never been to Detroit, but by all reports, it sucks at being a good city. I imagine it as a post-apocalyptic prison-city. Like in the not too distant future the powers-that-be decided to wall in the city and lock the nations criminals and a falsely accused Kurt Russell inside. This prison-city would be run by a well organized group of feral children that have an insatiable hunger for rodent-flesh. The only mode of transportation in Detroit is rafts assembled out of rotting human corpses to maneuver the blood filled streets. The only rule in Detroit is that THERE ARE NO RULES! How am I doing, those of you who have been to Detroit? Close?

I often hear the word "blighted" when describing Detroit neighborhoods. I love that word. It sounds like a British swear. Like, "Mumsy, the blighted tele is on the fritz a-gain, idnit?" I would feel bad for those people that live in Detroit that are reading this, but thankfully for me, they don't have the internet in Detroit.

I'm assuming Armando Galarraga is related to the Big Cat. They play baseball and they have the same last name. What other conclusion can you come to?

Curtis Granderson sure is likable. That's probably why a part of me doesn't like him. Sometimes Daryl Strawberry sits on the opposite shoulder that Michael Cuddyer is on and makes me dislike good guys and root for high-tallent but low-character guys.

Cuddyer: Golly, isn't that Granderson a great guy? I bet he's a terrific teammate.
Strawberry: Pssssst. I won a World Series with half a kilo of coke concealed in my rectum.

So, it's not surprising that I kind of like Miguel Caberra. He's got a ton of talent but chose to eat himself out of being a contributing defensive player. I can relate to this. Well, not the talent part. Imagine if the Twins signed a Caberra or Manny Ramirez type player (both have won World Series by the way)?

After a disappointing loss the team would voluntarily run up and down the stadium steps with logs on their shoulders. All the players except for this guy. We'll call him Sloth Awesome. Sloth didn't run the steps with the rest of the team because he had a severe case of "tummy needs nachos." He would say it just like that, too. When the team would return from their run -- keeling over from exhaustion -- they would all fine themselves $100 for not running the steps harder. Cuddyer would cry.

Sloth, however, would fine the Twins organization for not having a appropriate portion of nacho cheese available for the nacho chips he consumed. Sloth would then go on to hit .330 with 50 bombs and the World Series MVP. Cuddy realizes he needs to step up his magic act and makes the Metrodome disappear. This causes Gardy to bench Sloth and give Cuddy his starting job back.

Remember a few years back when Bonderman was a"sleeper for the Cy Young" because he finally figured out a change up. Then he was terrible. Remember when he was at the dome and balked with the bases loaded. How fun was that?

Prediction: Twins sweep.


tfrezac2002 said...

I flew into Detroit, then got on a bus to drive the last 3 hours or our trip. The bus driver went 90 until we were out of the city limits.

I can't believe people fought battles over that dump. In TWO f-ing wars!

haasertime said...

Baseball players love to eat. Whenever someone asks a player their favorite stadium to visit, they always mention the catered food provided to the clubhouse. Is it possible that guys this influences guys decisions on where to sign? Maybe we could sign Miguel as DH when his contract is up.... give him the truckloads of nachos before every game clause.

bizmarkie507 said...

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