Friday, July 31, 2009

Alright Hamilton Weekend Note Desk

Greetings, and welcome to the AH Weekend Note Desk, your one stop shop for trade rumors and analysis. First, we'll go over a couple sports issues that, for one reason or another, we were reluctant to cover.

Big Dave on The List

It's sad because David Ortiz is likable. As Torii Hunter put it, "It's Big Papi, man." Most baseball fans look back scornfully on the two sawx world championships, but at the time, most of us were cheering them. Ortiz and the Red Sox finally stood up to the hated Yankees. Now, looking back through the lens of history, the titles of '04 and '07 aren't as cool because a) it turned their fanbase into douchetron 3000's, and b) Manny, Papi and probably Schilling were taking PED's.

And how about this list? I love the list. It's slowly, slowly leaking out to the public. It's gotta be driving Gene Orza nuts. The story of the list is almost as great as the list itself. It was born from a league-wide test, of which the results were to determine whether or not there would be regular steroid testing in baseball. It was supposed to be anonymous. After the results were compiled, more than 10% of the league had failed the test, and Selig and the owners were allowed to institute a regular testing program. The tests and the list were then sent to players union chiefs Donald Fehr and Gene Orza for destruction. However, Orza was so remarkably anti-testing, that he kept the 104 viles of piss to send around to labs in an effort to mark them false-positive. I can picture Orza (although I don't know what he looks like) in a lab coat in a dark musty laboratory, with viles of A-rods urine, muttering about players privacy. When the Barry Bonds perjury investigation came to the MLBPA offices, they subpoenaed The List. It's ironic because Orza kept the list from destruction to protect the players, and now it's being used against them. All that urine soaked information is being leaked by federal lawyers, exposing cheaters one by one. It's golden.

Favre doesn't un-retire again

Imagine all the time that was wasted by the media and Vikings fans thinking, writing, talking and masturbating about Brett Favre. It's been non-stop speculation for most of the summer. even created a whole section of it's website dedicated to the madness. So to see it all amount to nothing is pretty damn funny. I've seen at least five purple Favre jerseys around town. I laugh at those rubes.

I heard my friend Andy say, "I wish we got Jay Cutler." To which my response was, "Who is we?" The phrase "We," as used by sports fans, is interesting. I'm guilty, too. I always say stuff like, "We need to have a little chat with Punto." or, "We really hit the ball around last night!" I remember getting called out for use of the term while referring to the Penn State Nittany Lions when I was obsessed with their football team in the late 90's.

On Foul Balls
-From time to time, I hang out with a second grader. I get money in exchange for teaching this youngster a thing or two about living in a society; of which I am an expert. Luckily, this kid likes a lot of the same stuff I do - baseball, legos, Star Wars and not doing homework. I've taken him to three Twins games this season, and he's twice walked away at the end of a night with a baseball in his hand. We even got one autographed by Joe Nathan. It's pretty neat, but remember, it's my job to teach this kid about the rules of society. So I had a lot of explaining to do, particularly because I've only nabbed three baseballs in my entire life, so I wanted to the kid to know that, "this isn't how it usually works."

Indeed, adult spectators had simply handed the baseballs to him because he's a cute kid. I told him those are the rules, and that if he were to somehow get a second ball during the same game, he would have to give that to some kid less fortunate. I also told him that you can never ask someone for a ball, that they must choose to do so out of the goodness of their own heart. I explained that I always give a kid a ball, because adults don't need baseballs.

I didn't explain to him the disappointing set tribe of adults who don't follow any of these rules. Ballhawks. I don't really know how to describe the disdain I reserve for these guys who would never dream of giving a ball to a kid. Their only goal is to hoard as many baseballs as possible. They've even set up a competitive league. Here's how one ballhawk justified described his actions:

..some people choose to sell drugs to kids. Some people choose to abuse drugs, themselves. Some people choose to get all liquored up and drive their vehicles. Some people choose to be abusive to their wives and kids. Some people choose to rob, steal and cheat. Some people take the lives of others.

Some people choose to snag baseballs at the ballpark.

You know we live in a society!?!!

Twins Throw Clubhouse a Bone

Yesterday on this blog, we discovered the only reason for Billy Smith to make a trade: To appease the sissies in the Twins clubhouse. Today, they landed Orlando Cabrera, hardly a great player, simply to show the fans and the players that the front office wants to win.


Andrew said...

Credit Mr. Mike 1 rube cred!

"We" as in rube nation can't wait to see you and little W pumping your fists in the dome this Fall when number 69 is roping calfs on the 5 yard line. (Insert Viking horn - awhooooo awhoooooo)

What better way to teach a young gentleman how to act in society than to expose him to a pre game purple frenzy. Some of the questions he will ask may be...

"Hey Mr. Mike, where did everyone's sleeves go?"

"Hey Mr. Mike, don't you think it's nice that the Vikings let the Twins play on their field?"

"Hey Mr. Mike, is it ok if the Vikings lose today and I become so emotionally attached that I don't go to school tomorrow?"

"Hey Mr. Mike, why do I have a sudden urge to chant things as loud as I can followed by a "Woooooo!"

"Hey Mr. Mike, didn't you sneak into a monster truck rally here this past Winter?"

"Hey Mr. Mike, is Ray Edwards going to beat Michael Strahan's single season sack record this year?"

(November 1 - Vikings vs. Packers - ittle W pumping fist while wearing inflatable vikings helmet, purple 69 on chest, and 1 giant foam finger) ..... "Mr. Mike! Mr. Mike! Mr. Mike! Rube Cred.....Woooooooo!"

bizmarkie507 said...

I usually have been pretty good about not referring to sports teams as we, but as I grew more and more accustomed to internet typing, I realized that typing "we" instead of "the Twins" or "the Timberwolves" is easier and more efficient.

haasertime said...

I am winning the rube cred race. AhOOO.

How do you guys feel about Orlando Cabrera?

emannj said...

i guess he is a bit more productive than punto and casilla? a 34 year old "offensive" infielder, his .280 BA will get our other rakers more RBIs...especially if he bats second. who is going down to make room?

jammyman said...

sorry that last one was me from my wifes account by accident

Tail Chaser said...

jammyman, were you sneakin through her emails, tryin to catch her cheating again? :P

I'm glad we didn't give up Valencia. And I'm glad this at least helped Mauer and Morneau feel less pissed off about being here, like you mentioned the other day. I'm ok with it.

bizmarkie507 said...

oh geez i just did the exact same booboo.

haasertime said...

your wifes screenname is "TailChaser"?

You have a wife?

bizmarkie507 said...

yes that is her name haasertime. Hey Mr. Nelson, "Percy Harvin, reporting for duty."

Anonymous said...

I think Andrew just took a comanding lead in the rube cred standings by spending this entire day in Mankato at training camp. I'm sure Haasertime is already conjuring up ways to retake the lead.

tfrezac2002 said...

Bravo on the move! I watched Mr Mike go 0-3 in Mexican league baseball, and I'd rather him playing 2nd base than Alexi.

tfrezac2002 said...

Oh, and Mark Grudzielanek is the missing peice to a play off push. Don't worry about him being rusty, it just means he'll have fresh legs come September.