Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Detroit tigers stream of consciousness part two

With the All-Star break just one week away, it's officially time to take the standings seriously. Where do you think the Twins stand in the American League Central? Hmmmmmmm well let's think.. they've played pretty well, they have three All-Stars, but they haven't fared well on the road. Considering how bad the other teams are in the Central, the Twins are probably in first place. A quick check of Star Tribune should prove me right. Luckily, for us non-SABR members, the newspaper lists the teams in order of their win percentage.

OK here we go.


How are they in first place? I could have sworn they were at the metrodome just last weekend and the Twins made them look silly. This division is really bad.

Let's do a stream of consciousness on the division leaders, the team that we're going to stalk and kill just like....Tigers.

Last time we did this, Soup told told us he imagines Detroit as a prison colony, from which Kurt Russell must escape. I imagine Detroit as a post-apocalyptic 80's hair metal video in which gangs of hot prostitutes (inexplicably wearing caveman garb) rule the streets. Not unlike the video for Lick It Up by KISS. The only problem with this imagination of Detroit, is that it actually makes me want to go to Detroit. For I too, would like to drink hyper-color booze from gas cans with a caveman prostitute and Vinnie Vincent.

I'm annoyed with John Gordon. Hey, what else is new!?! He always puts this large, lip smacking pause between "Magglio" and "Ordonez." It's like he was so worn out by the word Magglio that he had to take a deep breath before saying his last name. Now I understand that the last sound in his first name and the first sound in his last name are the same. So he can't say it all fast like it's one word: Maggliordonez. But it would be less annoying.

Speaking of goofy ways to say Tiger names, how about Fernando Rodney? If I were a broadcaster, I would purposely sneak in as many mispronunciations as I could think of. Like Fermando Dadney. Or Ferardo Nadney. Ferneedo Rooney. Say them aloud.

Tiger Stadium is all torn down. The city council claimed they gave some group plenty of time to raise the money to save it, but, they couldn't "just have a half-demolished building standing around indefinitely."


Anonymous said...

Half-demolished buildings standing around indefinately: the encyclopedia entry describing Detroit.


bizmarkie507 said...

holy crap I just realized that Morneau is currently 3rd in AL batting average, 3rd in home runs and 2nd in RBI. I smell MVP number 2.

bizmarkie507 said...

and Twins are playing 500 times better on the road than they did at the beginning of the season. I'm not worried about that. I am worried about the fact that behind Blackburn, this team has four middle of the rotation starters.

TwinsWin83 said...

Ha Ha. That Fernando Rodney thing reminds me of Lettermans Top 10 list of ways to mispronounce Kirby Puckett.

10. Kooby Pickett
9. Creepy Pockets
8. Bernie Crumpet
7. Turkey Bucket
6. Buddy Hackett
5. The Puckett formerly known as Kirby
4. Punky Brewster
3. Kent Hrbek
2. There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett
1. Englepuck Kirbydink

Ha. Turkey Bucket, thats my favorite.

soup said...

"inexplicably wearing caveman garb"

Inexplicable, Haas? If we've learned anything from the apocalyptic future it's that people wear caveman garb...or S and M garb. Usually a combination of both. Well, obviously unless Earth has completely been destroyed and human kind moved to space. Then it's shiny clothes, for everyone.

But, yes. Who needs jobs or shelter when you're in a post-apocalyptic 80's hair metal video in which gangs of hot prostitutes rule the streets. Not unlike the video for Lick It Up by KISS.

J Ellet Lambie said...

Wow, ignorant cheap shots at the city of Detroit, you're really reaching to come up with new material aren't you?

bizmarkie507 said...

We've been reaching for new material since about the 2nd week of this blog's existence.

haasertime said...

this is an environmentally friendly blog. all material is 100% recycled.