Wednesday, March 11, 2009

So What's Wrong with Joe? The Injury ABC's

A -
A is for ACL
In his debut he wrecked his knee
In hindsight it was a warning
of how the future would be

B is for back pain
It's always flarin' up
It hurts so damn bad
he can't even wear a cup

C -
C is for Chlamydia
The sexually transmitted disease
It's embarrassing to talk about
and it burns when he pees

D -
D is for dehydration
Joe drinks from fresh water springs
But when those aren't available
he uses one of those camelbak things

E -
E is for Eczema
It's a dryness of the skin
So Joe moved to Florida
(and he won't take taxes on the chin)

F is for Fatigue
Even Joe gets tired
A day game after a night game?
Gardy would get fired!

G -
G is for Gonorrea
Also called the clap
He shouldn't have taken that woman
Home to take a nap.

H -
H is for Hernia
Joe's turning in-side-out
'Internal organs stay inside,'
I once heard Mauer pout.

I is for Ingrown Hair
It happens on his face
now he packs a pair of tweezers
with him just in case

J is for Jaundice
Cuz of the kidney obstruction
It will turn him the color yellow
and bring love-life destruction

K is for Kidney
They had to dig in that
to find some nasty blockage
That wouldn't let him bat

L is for Lactose Intolerance
Joe doesn't do dairy
He drank milk while on Price is Right
Then puked on Drew Carey

M is for Mad Cow Disease
While Joe isn't a steer
He's had more health problems
than doctors see in a career

N is for Neuropathy
When all his nerves go bad
He won't be able to control anything
And Wilson Ramos will be glad

O is for Osteoarthritis
His hands hurt when he's hitting
The doctor said it would be better
If he would just give up knitting

P is for Panic and Anxiety
It ain't easy being Joe
He doesn't always know what to say
so instead he says, "ya know."

Q is for Quadriplegia
It's hard to play with only your jaw
but Mauer bit down on that bat
And hit everything he saw

R is for Restless Leg Syndrome
Tossing and turning an awful lot
All through the night he keeps waking up
To his legs doing a forgotten home run trot

S is for Shin Splints
Joe is a very tall guy
So his legs start buckling
By the time it's July

T is for Throat Cancer
Joe started smoking to fend off the skeeters
But he wasn't thinking cigarettes when Gardy said
'Lay off the heaters'

U is for Ulcer
Mauer's belly doesn't burn with desire
It burns with stress and acid
Like Bruce Springsteen, he's on fire

V is for Vertigo
Sometimes Joe can hardly stand straight
Maybe instead of 14 cocktails
He should only have had eight

W is for Wandering Spleen
Joe's had it since birth
His organs are leaving him now
Tryin' to get down to Fort Worth

X is for Xeroderma Pigmentosum
Joe's skin is burned as soon as it gets sun
Which makes it hard in the summer
But Joe just wears sun block, SPF- one thousand one

Y is for Yellow Fever
Contracted in Africa on a dark, dreary day
From an infected mosquito
He forgot all his bug spray

Z is for Zambusch's Disease
Another problem Mauer's bound to acquire
But I'm still glad he plays here
Cuz he's healthier than Mark Prior


bizmarkie507 said...

Wow! all 26 letters or how many there are in the alphabet. Nice job.

T is for Tuckered Out, because that's what Common always says about him when he can't play a day game. lol

Anonymous said...

Impressive- that ode deserves a round of applause.

Karleeee said...

J is for Jumping Frenchman of Maine disorder.
He's too scared to go out and play.
Worried he'll hit himself in the face with the bat.
Or when someone throws the ball, it will hit a cat.

Daymonster said...

it reminds me of the king of the hill episode where hank gets a nose job because he broke in during flag football, and then when he comes back he is too scared of his perfect nose getting broke again, so he doesn't want to play...

where was I going with this?

jammyman said...

Nice. It was a great way to start my morning yesterday. Q is for QuickSwing. I'm pretty sure that contraption contributed to some injury along the way...