Monday, March 16, 2009

"The Last Great Race On Earth"?

The Iditarod is on. And on, and on, and on. It is known as “The Last Great Race On Earth”. So in honor of the Iditarod, I have created a Venn Diagram to show what a race needs to qualify as a great race on Earth. I have also compiled a list of other great races that do take place on Earth, thus proving the dog race people liars.

1. The Boston Marathon. Let’s be honest, it’s a big deal. I realize that humans running long distance=boring, but it’s impressive none the less. See Rosie Ruiz.
2. Sahara Race. Not quite as cool as the thing they used to do with the Arabian horses/camels and the scabbards where the winner gets a huge treasure from a sultan that may or may not include his daughter, but still a great race.
3. "The Great Race". The old movie with Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis. Hilarious...and great.

4. The Daytona 500. Seeing Kenseth spray the champagne on his team was classic this year…totally j/k guys, still bff?
5. Straight River Rubber Duck Race, aka Duck, Duck, Goose Race. It is so cool, although it has been cancelled because it is apparently illegal…so I guess maybe it shouldn’t be on the list…check it out.
6. The Kentucky Derby. The history, the pageantry, the roses, the crazy-ass hats.
7. “The Amazing Race”. Obviously the name has some implications that we can’t argue with. Plus, Ned Schneebly is on the new season…what? That nasally voice is going to get so old.
8. AL Central Pennant. Always a great race.
9. Tour de France…I mean Lance. Controversy. Crashes. Doping. Tight shorts. Cigarettes. Fries. Toast. Kisses.
10. The Great Midwest Dragon Boat Festival. There are dragon heads on their boats, thus qualifying it as a great race. Plus, it takes place on Lake Michigan, which is on Earth.
I would love to hear your comments and your additions to the list. I could have added a lot more. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Iditarod is amazing, but let us all be careful when using superlatives. Especially in high school yearbooks. It can hurt people’s feelings. At least that is what I've heard.

15 comments:

soup said...

"There are five legitimate methods of lawful gambling," said Doug Forsman, Special Agent with the Alcohol and Gambling Enforcement Division of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety.

"Those five are bingo, pulltabs, tip-boards, raffles and paddle-wheels. By definition, a raffle means participants have a ticket with a serialized number, which goes into a barrel, and the player keeps the stub," Forsman explained. "A duck race is not a raffle.

Thanks, Doug Forsman, Special Agent with the Alcohol and Gambling Enforcement Division of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety. Idiot.

The Tour de France minus Lance is just a bunch of dudes riding bikes. But back in the day, when I was in high school and my only summer responsibilities were to mow the lawn once a week and work a part time job, I used to get jacked up about the Tour. I'd wake up really early go over to my buddy's house, eat pop tarts, watch the race, and then nap til lunch time. Nothing better than Lance whooping Ullrich ass in the Pyrenees. Now, I would only watch the race if they did it with those old timey bikes with a really big front wheel.

I might add the space race. Wait, did that take place on Earth?

jammyman said...

no it didn't...i considered it though.

i loved the tour also..isn't lance racing this year, or did he opt out? i thought he was coming back.

tfrezac2002 said...

The aquatennial milk carton jug boat race. Its great, every boat has a theme and some people get really into it. When my cousins and I were about 10, our parents dressed us up as the castaways of Gilligan's Island. We got dead last, but the judges gave us 2nd place for best costume. I think they just felt sorry for us.

These guys took it way more seriously than we did:

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p243/cedmundcross/081.jpg

And no one had better claim their favorite "race" is for political office. Unless of course, The Body is a candidate.

jammyman said...

love milk carton races. good call.

Holmer said...

The timing of this post is curiously timely for me. During the previous two days, I've started reading 'Call of The Wild', and I happened to catch the last twenty minutes of 'White Fang'. The grueling preparartion and pace, the disregaurd for pain, and the fact that quitting equates to death. Makes this race worthy of it's 'greatest' label.

Were people modifying their rubber ducks? Miniature propellers, greesing the underbellies? shaving the sides down for aerodynamics? As far as I'm concerned, rubber duckies floating down a river, is just as random as the tumbling of ping-pong balls. Doug Forsman, you a twice an idiot. How do you feel?

jammyman said...

there's no denying that it is a great race. the "last" implies that there are no other great races left...

tfrezac2002 said...

Last? Don't they have it every year?

haasertime said...

The America's Cup Boat Race is a a great race if you're rich and wear dockers and live in the Hamptons.


TFR is right. It can't be the last if they hold it next year too. So they must mean that there used to be great races, but they're all extinct or have lost their greatness. What were those? More people care about the Tour de France than any other race.

bizmarkie507 said...

i read all the comments and forgot what i was going to say

bizmarkie507 said...

oh yeah, duck duck goose. It was always duck duck gray duck for me, everytime i've ever played it. I got in some argument with someone about this at a bar, but I can't remember who.

haasertime said...

are we really going to have this conversation? If you're from Minnesota it's Duck Duck Grey Duck. If you're not from Minnesota, you suck anyway.

bizmarkie507 said...

No man, somebody born and raised in minnesota said it was duck duck goose.

bizmarkie507 said...

And I think we've had this exact discussion before in the comment sections of some other post. I'll let it die

jammyman said...

i hate to contribute to the duck duck _____ conversation, but just for the record i call it duck duck grey duck, and the owatonna peoples press is usually wrong about most things, as they are again.

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