You're reading this because it's on the internet

The bad news: this post is a waste of your time. The good news: here is a picture of a really big catfish.

-With the Twins hitting more home runs this year, the national sports writers might actually have to change the standard Twins-do-the-little-things story they have been reprinting for years.

Last year after the Twins hit back-to-back homers, Jeff Passan of Yahoo! Sports said, "That's like two straight laughs at a Dane Cook show." Well now that the Twins have been hitting with some power, columnists are going to need a lot more hilarious similes/metaphors. I thought I would help them out.

-The Twins are demonstrating more power than North Korea.

-Jon and Kate
Gosselin practically have more children than Mauer has plate appearances between
home runs.

-Like Ted Nudgent, Mauer is killing everything moving
outside.

Yeah, I only got three before I got bored/hungry.

-Carlos Gomez keepin' it real:



-I heard a very funny Joe Mauer impression on this KFAN podcast from Paul Allen's show. It's about a third through.

-Someone from Winner, South Dakota -- the place of my birth -- has won a $232M Powerball. Just think of the belt buckle you could buy with that kind of money.

-Who's your favorite giant of all time? Angus McAskill? Chang Woo Gow? Lutteur Ant? I've always been a Ed Beaupre kind of guy. myself. I even have his signed trading card.

rhombus room something

Twins vs. AL East...

Nick Blackburn...good

Nick Punto...bad

Joe Mauer...sucks

Jose Mijares...good

Matt Tolbert...gross

Delmon Young...best

Denard Span...good

Crede...good

Liriano...: (

Redmond...old

Ayala...

Slowey...good

Cuddyer...still sucks but is hitting not sucky right now but will hit sucky again in June and beyond.

Kubel...50 bombs

Nathan...good

Ron Coomer...yes

Carlos Gomez...AAA please

Mike Nakamura...I always imagined he had a really hot sister.

Baker...still looks like a 15 year old

Swarzak...cool looking mom. fun mom.

Mark Prior...only time I've ever been happy that Pohlad was cheap.

Morneau...good

Buscher/Crain/Dickey/Harris/Guerrier/Henn...boooo-ring

Rumpus Room Ruminations

Fact: The Twins don't play well outside the Metrodome. 

Home: 18-10

Away: 5-14

Fact: The Twins won't play a single game in the Metrodome next season. 

Weekend BlogNotesPost

- As the Twins were putting up 20 runs on the White Sox, Jake Peavy was rejecting a trade to the south side. If the Sox had Peavy, I don't think that would be a terrible thing for the Twins. His numbers have been inflated by Petco and the National League. They would have sent four players to San Diego to get him, players who definitely would help them down the road. Kenny Williams didn't even try to convince him to come, and he had a real ace up his sleeve: the president, who 'm sure could have phoned the Petco clubhouse and got him to play for the White Sox. If the President asks you to do it, you do it.

- Speaking of getting denied and slapped in the face, the Timberwolves had to settle for a guy who has been out of basketball for six years for their new GM. They called three other guys but were turned down. And you thought things were bad with McHale.

- Have you noticed that garbage trucks aren't the giant smelly rigs they once were? These days, they're all painted green and have something painted on it to the effect of, "Environmental Services." Well, yeah. Those trucks are like a hooker with the clap. They'll service you but.....you're going to get itchy.

- Have some spare time? You may want to check out Greg Rutter's Definitive List of the 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced on the Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something. One notable omission is "Zombie Kid Likes Turtles." I think it's funny because it's like an absurd-sandwich. It's absurd because the kid looks like a goofball. And then it's more absurd because of the thing that comes out of his mouth. He's innocent and real. It's the best thing ever.




- Did you know that most Under Armour material and it's knock-offs is just polyester? Polyester is the same material associated with terrible suits from the 70's, and now it's a high-tech fabric that makes athletes perform better.

From their website:

The technology behind Under Armour's diverse product assortment for men, women and youth is complex, but the program for reaping the benefits is simple: wear HeatGear® when it's hot, ColdGear® when it's cold, and AllSeasonGear® between the extremes.

Under Armour's mission is to provide the world with technically advanced products engineered with our superior fabric construction, exclusive moisture management, and proven innovation.

So there you have it. From maligned disco leisure suits to Jose Reyes endorsements, polyester has risen from fabric hell to take over the world once more.

- Headline of the week: Kid With Cancer Can't Even Read

There's this 13-year old Minnesota kid who was diagnosed Hodgkin Lymphoma, given chemotherapy but decided he didn't like it. He and his family joined a quack religion founded ten years ago by an ex-con who had been convicted in two states for misleading investors in an alternative-health mushroom-growing business. The group has also criticized by real alternative medicine and Native American groups as exploitative of Native American traditions to make money. The family pays $100 dollars a month for membership in the religion. When the court gave the 7th grader some court documents, he couldn't even recognize the word 'the.' He's been home-schooled. Which has been as successful as their home-remedies. I hate when the government has to tell people what to do, but when it's life and death, and you're dealing with complete morons, the decision is easy. Now the kid and his mom are on the lam.

- Yankee Stadium Exposé update

It appears that many other professional ballparks break rule 1.09 amendment 1. Here's a list of the offenders:

Tropicana Field: Left field 315, right field 322
Minute Maid Park: Left Field 315
AT&T park: Right field 309
Kingdome: Right field 312
Camden Yards: Right field 318
PNC Park: Right field 320
PETCO Park: Right field 322

It looks like those swindlers up in Seattle were the first to break the rules when the built the Kingdome in 1976. I guess the MLB rulebook isn't really a set of regulations to live by, but a way for officials to fix and to punish. Nonetheless, I will email all members of the playing rules committee, including Rod Carew and Terry Ryan. If all goes well, the Twins should be able to get a number of wins out of this, if not a World Series trophy!

Who sucks on the road?

The Twins begin a stretch of 22 of their next 31 games on the road. This could be a rocky month for our favorite squad, as they look to build on their league-worst 5 - 14 road record.

The Alright Hamilton Monkey did a little digging to figure out why the Twins are so terrible on the road. Here is his list of players who are markedly worse away from the dome.

Note: the Alright Hamilton Monkey has never heard of "small sample size" or "more relative statistics"

Click Here for the Monkey's breakdown

Joe Crede
Home: .260 with 6 bombs
Away: .212 with 3 bombs

Michael Cuddyer
home: .311 with 5 bombs
Away: .247 with 3 bombs

Glen Perkins
Home: 3.57 era
Away: 10.80

Joe Nathan
Home: 0.61 era
Away: 9.82

Nick Blackburn
Home: 3.06era
Away: 4.06

Francisco Liriano
Home: 5.34 era
Away: 7.62

Scott Baker
Home: 5.54
Away: 9.31

Yankee Stadium Dimensions: Conspiracy or Ineptitude?

When New Yankee Stadium opened this spring, it was widely praised for including every modern amenity and convenience. Indeed, it seemed the Yankees had thought of everything in their design of the $1.5 billion dollar stadium - except one. The rulebook.

Old Yankee Stadium was famed for it's short right-field fence. When the Yankees were dominating baseball in the 1950's, the right field foul pole stood only 296 feet from home plate. It seemed like a distinct advantage to A's owner Charles Finley, who decided his team deserved a playing field that magnified their strengths. In 1964, Finley stocked his team with sluggers and moved the right field fence in, making it 296 feet from home. He painted the wooden bleachers in the corner with his motivation: Pennant Porch.

However, Finley wasn't the first to shorten fences to benefit his team. In fact, Major League Baseball had recognized the problem and amended their official rulebook. Before the season started, MLB officials swiftly put Finley in his place, citing the following rule:

Rule 1.04, Amendment A

Any Playing Field constructed by a professional club after June 1,
1958, shall provide a minimum distance of 325 feet from home base
to the nearest fence, stand or other obstruction on the right and left
field foul lines, and a minimum distance of 400 feet to the center
field fence.

According to wikipedia, New Yankee Stadium opened in April, 2009, over 50 years past the June 1st, 1958 deadline. While recognizing that wikipedia is not necessarily a source for unmolested information, the page also states that the right field line is a mere 314 feet, with left field at 318 feet.

How did Bud Selig and other officials react to such gross neglect of MLB rules? Here's the email I sent to Commissioner Selig.

Mr. Selig

My name is Michael Haas. I'm an investigative journalist for the independent online magazine, Alright Hamilton. It has recently come to our attention that the playing field dimensions at new Yankee Stadium appear to break MLB mandated rules, specifically rule 1.04, amendment A, which reads thusly:

Any Playing Field constructed by a professional club after June 1,
1958, shall provide a minimum distance of 325 feet from home base
to the nearest fence, stand or other obstruction on the right and left
field foul lines, and a minimum distance of 400 feet to the center
field fence.

The rules are clear, yet the stadium in question was constructed well after the aforementioned date of June 1st, 1958 and features foul line distances of 318 and 314 feet, respectively.

For the sake of fairness and objectivity, we seek any comments you or other officials have, before we publish the story.

Here is the prompt response I received from Selig's cronies:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your email, as we have received your inquiry and will respond as soon as possible.

We appreciate your patience as we work to ensure that each inquiry receives the detailed response that it deserves.

Thank you again for taking the time to write!

Regards,
Fan Feed Back Customer Support

Whether it's just a simple oversight by the lords of the game, or an intricate, far-reaching conspiracy, one thing is obvious: it's wrong. There aren't any differing interpretations of the MLB rulebook, but there also seems to be a gross lack of checks and balances. It's clear that blatant neglect of the rules of the game will not stop here. Teams will always try to find an edge, and tinkering with the field and it's dimensions is something to which Selig and company clearly turn a blind eye.

Given the current atmosphere of relaxed baseball regulation, the White Sox could and would shorten the baseline to 80 feet, seeing as how they're so fat.

non-Yankees series related notes

-Guess who is leading the National League in batting average? It's our old friend and the world's fastest human, Christian Guzman!! The baseball reference May 15th stat of the day informs us that the WFH also has the most ABs in the majors with out a walk. 101! The next closest is Robinzon Diaz with 30. That's Twins baseball right there.

-Two players that have worn a Twins jersey made this list of the "best recent baseball deliveries." Neshek, of course, takes first place. The other player only pitched six innings for the twins, but is still quite awesome. I'll give you a hint. He rivals the Big Sweat for the fattest faced Twin.

-Denard Span has to be leading the majors in 3-2 counts. I know there is a way to use the internet to confirm this, but... I'm real busy. Paperwork and what not. So there is five blog points for anyone that actually finds the stats on this.

-We here at AH! have a rich history of providing the public with compelling optical illusions. In this spirit, we are happy to report that according to the American Institute of Physics, "The three best visual illusions in the world were chosen at a gathering last weekend of neuroscientists and psychologists at the Naples Philharmonic Center for the Arts in Florida." I bet it was quite a party.

The winning entry attempted to demonstrate why the curve ball is so hard to hit.

This year's winning illusion, created by Arthur Shapiro of Bucknell University
in Pennsylvania, may explain this phenomena. His animation shows a spinning ball
that, when watched directly, moves in a straight line. When seen out of the
corner of the eye, however, the spin of the ball fools the brain into thinking
that the ball is curving.

So as a baseball flies towards home plate, the
moment when it passes from central to peripheral vision could exaggerate the
movement of the ball, causing its gradual curve to be seen as a sudden jerk.

-Friends, we really need to talk about this.

The Montauk Monster is gunna git ya! Well, maybe not this particular one. It looks quite dead and bloated. But still be on the lookout. Look at that thing. That is one mangy, mangy, beast. There are many theories on the identification of this animal. The most plausable, as wikipedia reports, is "or perhaps a science experiment from the nearby government animal testing facility, the Plum Island Animal Disease Center"

Now we're getting somewhere. This creature is clearly the creation of some mad scientist. I suspect this guy:
Look at him. There is no way he's not trying to raise an army of mutant monsters to take over the world. He's clearly mad, and judging by the lab coat and bow tie, is in fact a scientist. He must be stopped.

-Baseball's former bottom prospect, Phillip Snodgrass, has officially announced his retirement. He did not speak to reporters but did release this statement:

This is such bull-crap

His surprising retirement is undoubtedly linked to this startling development:

The duality of Twins fans

When the result of a game is negative, we tend to focus on all the negative things that contributed to the loss. When the result of three games in a row is heartbreakingly negative, a more instinctual reaction occurs, almost a fight-or-flight response. It's either tear the team to shreds with comments on startribune.com, or not think about it until tonight's game. The following is two extreme views on the Twins, thoughts battling inside one Twins fan's brain.

Note: all of these thoughts have been taken from the unedited comments on Sunday's gamestory on startribune.com

Shoulder Devil: Grow a pair! Someone help me figure out what the identity of this ballclub is? I see a small ball team who no longer does the little things to win that way. Not to beat a dead horse but Cuddy is absolutely brutal!! Seems like us diehard loyal fans take these losses worse than some of the players on this team,and that's pretty sad!!!!!

Shoulder Angel: sniff sniff, whine whine. Pathetic - and I'm not talking about this very fine young Twins team. Go Twins.

Shoulder Devil: Harris sat today for what reason Gardy??????? So you could play Buescher / Punto and Tolbert at THREE positions where you could have inserted a .300 bat instead of Buesher@ .217 , Punto @ .194 or Tolbert @ .179.....Then you dont sac with Buescher.....Because he's on a hot streak ??? Or Bueschers got power??? WHY ??? Looking at our bullpen I would have to assume Bill Smith is deaf/dumb and blind..yet he can find a buffet every day it appears but yet he cant find ONE reliever. But he needs to eat 5 square meals a day to keep that death grip on the Pohlads $$$$$$$$$$$. Oh yeah.Good game CUDDY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shoulder Angel: This is a test of character. Winners persevere. From an intellectual perspective, there is a trend of losing to the AL East. That trend has to stop.

Shoulder Devil: Triple FAIL! Glad the series is over.

Shoulder Angel: Sitting back in armchairs...

All right now, everyone quit their day jobs already! Such incredible baseball acumen has never before been seen in print EVER! It would be great if the Twins were totally dominant in every position. If they were they'd win every game they played! But they aren't and no other team is either. Get this you guys.... here's a little secret to ponder.... The Yankees are trying to win too! And oh... by the way, they're playing at home. If Twins fans expect to win every series if not sweep an opponent at the Dome in order to actualy give compliments to the team, the Yankees are trying to achieve the same success on THEIR home field! This isn't to say I enjoy seeing our team lose these tight games... its getting awfully old. But look at it this way. The Twins are hanging with the Yankees in every game. Or is it the Yankees hanging with the Twins and needed to win by walk offs?

Shoulder Devil: Jesse struts in. Wiggles his necklaces Acts like a stud throws another game losing pitch Jesse struts off.

Shoulder Angel: For one thing, it isn't like this is game 7 of a playoff series, you lose and you go home, it is game 39 of the baseball season, there are plenty more games to go. If Ayala, who as obviously lost Gardenhire's trust is removed from the bullpen and someone else comes in that can slow their pace down, they will be fine. There is still 3/4 of the season left and you're sounding like a Rockets or Celtics fan.

Shoulder Devil: The Yankees are to baseball...

...what poop is to pleasant smells.

Countdown to Liberation

Time left before the Twins play somebody other than the Yankees.

Yankees considering move to old stadium

The New York Yankees announced today that they would consider playing a small number of games in their old home, providing skeptics with further evidence that new Yankee stadium is a dud. The teams $1.5 billion home, which opened in April, has been roundly criticized for it's over-priced seats and alarming home run rate. And the team isn't fairing much better - they're playing .500 baseball, despite big time free agents CC Sabathia and Mark Teixiera. Hal Steinbrenner has acknowledged the new stadium is not conducive to winning, and he intends to ask the city of New York for around $1 billion to refurbish the old stadium.

Coomer's Emotions Through Yesterday's Game

Bottom of First: Morneau 2 run homer to center.

Bottom of Second: Redmond lined into double play,

Crede out at second.

Bottom of Third: Mauer hits RBI single to center field.

Twins up 3-0.

Top of Fourth: Former Twin Adam Everett hits 2 run

RBI single. Twins lead down to 1.

Bottom of Fourth: Gomez hits Sacrifice Fly. Harris

scores.

Top of Fifth: Granderson steals second, advances to

third and scores on a Wild Pitch by Perkins.

Top of Sixth: Inge hits a two-run homer to left field.

Twins trail 5 to 4.

Bottom of Sixth: Span hits a two-RBI triple.

Tolbert hits sacrifice fly to score Span. Twins up 7-5.

Top of Seventh: Matt Guerrier comes in to relieve Ayala.

All hell breaks loose. Twins down 7 to 9.

Bottom of Eighth: Kubel pinch hits for Gomez.

Hits two-run home run to tie the game at 9 a piece.

Top of Ninth: Adam Everett hits in to double play

to end the inning.

Top of Eleventh: Cabrera hits in to double play.

Top of Twelfth: Inge hits in to double play.

Top of Thirteenth: Granderson scores on Jesse Crain's balk.

Bottom of Thirteenth: Matt Tolbert hits a line drive to left

center for a diving catch and Punto is doubled off at second.

No wait! Josh Anderson trapped it! Punto scores!

The game is tied!

Crede hits a walk-off grand slam in the Thirteenth to win

the game!

Ronald Bryan Coomer is happy!

Likes and Dislikes of Tuesdays Game

The Twins won last night, taming the Tigers 6-2. I was almost bashed by a Magglio Ordonez foul ball. The following are some other things I disliked about last night.

The crowd. Classy bunch of folks there on a Tuesday night. Some drunk attempted to start the wave. If you're going to start the wave, don't. If you insist, do it the right way. The guy I saw on Tuesday was doing a horrible job doing a terrible thing. He tried it while there were two men on base in the sixth, just after the Twins had knocked out Big Cat.

The worst part was his positioning. He attempted to start the wave from section 115, moving counter-clockwise. The lower level at the dome ends at section 113.


- - Delmon Young becomes more frustrating to watch the more you see him. He swings at the first pitch every time. He can't play left field. At first it was cute. As, "Oh there's Delmon, stompin invisible grapes, running in circles..Hey Delmon! You look dizzy, and you haven't even made the wine yet!"

Now it's just sad. It's a shame that he's out of options. Imagine how good the Red Wings would be with Carlos Gomez, Alexi Casilla and Delmon Young. If the Twins suck this year, I'm going to become a big Red Wings fan.


- Sour Milk. This has to be one of the worst taste/smell combination's ever. Out of all the terrible smells in the world, I'll bet about 90% of them have something to do with bacteria and decomposition.

- Jesse Crain. He started the 7th inning with a 5-1 lead, facing the number nine hitter. Then he accidentally gave up a home run and walked the next guy. World Baseball Classic.



Carlos Gomez was so excited to come in as a defensive replacement in the top of the eighth. He was running around doing calithestenics, and then almost smashed into Denard. He went on to work a walk (!) steal a base and score a run. He could really help that Rochester club. Here are some other things I liked:


The crowd. Classy bunch of folks there on a Tuesday night. Some ladies had a sign that said, "Triangle me, Dick."

Is that Juan Rincon? Juan Rincon. This is awkward, because we sort've ran you out of town, and didn't really expect to see you back.... Really? You were here with the Indians last year? Sorry, we didn't notice. But here's the deal: we like you. We've talked it over, aaaand we decided that we'd love to have you back. We'll even trade someone to Detroit to get you back here. Who? Ahh, Jesse Crain. Don't laugh.

Detroit Tigers stream of consciousness

Let's do a stream of consciousness narrative on the Detroit Tiger coming to town.

I have never been to Detroit, but by all reports, it sucks at being a good city. I imagine it as a post-apocalyptic prison-city. Like in the not too distant future the powers-that-be decided to wall in the city and lock the nations criminals and a falsely accused Kurt Russell inside. This prison-city would be run by a well organized group of feral children that have an insatiable hunger for rodent-flesh. The only mode of transportation in Detroit is rafts assembled out of rotting human corpses to maneuver the blood filled streets. The only rule in Detroit is that THERE ARE NO RULES! How am I doing, those of you who have been to Detroit? Close?

I often hear the word "blighted" when describing Detroit neighborhoods. I love that word. It sounds like a British swear. Like, "Mumsy, the blighted tele is on the fritz a-gain, idnit?" I would feel bad for those people that live in Detroit that are reading this, but thankfully for me, they don't have the internet in Detroit.

I'm assuming Armando Galarraga is related to the Big Cat. They play baseball and they have the same last name. What other conclusion can you come to?

Curtis Granderson sure is likable. That's probably why a part of me doesn't like him. Sometimes Daryl Strawberry sits on the opposite shoulder that Michael Cuddyer is on and makes me dislike good guys and root for high-tallent but low-character guys.

Cuddyer: Golly, isn't that Granderson a great guy? I bet he's a terrific teammate.
Strawberry: Pssssst. I won a World Series with half a kilo of coke concealed in my rectum.

So, it's not surprising that I kind of like Miguel Caberra. He's got a ton of talent but chose to eat himself out of being a contributing defensive player. I can relate to this. Well, not the talent part. Imagine if the Twins signed a Caberra or Manny Ramirez type player (both have won World Series by the way)?

After a disappointing loss the team would voluntarily run up and down the stadium steps with logs on their shoulders. All the players except for this guy. We'll call him Sloth Awesome. Sloth didn't run the steps with the rest of the team because he had a severe case of "tummy needs nachos." He would say it just like that, too. When the team would return from their run -- keeling over from exhaustion -- they would all fine themselves $100 for not running the steps harder. Cuddyer would cry.

Sloth, however, would fine the Twins organization for not having a appropriate portion of nacho cheese available for the nacho chips he consumed. Sloth would then go on to hit .330 with 50 bombs and the World Series MVP. Cuddy realizes he needs to step up his magic act and makes the Metrodome disappear. This causes Gardy to bench Sloth and give Cuddy his starting job back.

Remember a few years back when Bonderman was a"sleeper for the Cy Young" because he finally figured out a change up. Then he was terrible. Remember when he was at the dome and balked with the bases loaded. How fun was that?

Prediction: Twins sweep.

Hey, did you know they played with pink bats yesterday!?!?!

Everyone loves Mother's Day. If you live near your mother it's a day where you get to go to brunch with the woman who birthed you, or if you don't live in the same zip code, you get to go and purchase a card and send it to her... um, tomorrow (sorry, Mom.)  But the real enjoyment of Mother's day is getting to watch major league ball players swing uncomfortably with pink bats that they have never used before and wear over sized wristbands that look simply ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for spreading the awareness of breast cancer. And I am all for the pink bats and the wristbands... for the players. I just think it's absolutely ridiculous that the every umpire yesterday wore two matching pink wristbands.


It has nothing to do with the color, it's ridiculous that there are umpires wearing wristbands at all. And two of them? That's just ludicrous. Good thing first-base umpire James Hoye has those wristbands on otherwise the sweat in his eyes would have prevented him from seeing that ball.

It was fair. Nice call Jim.

I know what you are thinking? "How are the umps going to show their support for breast cancer awareness?" It's simple, pink shirts and hats for the umps. I think it would be cool, and it might just cut down on the arguments. Then again, maybe not.


What do you guys think? I could see people saying pink umpires would be a distraction, but I say if anything, this would definitely spread awareness and it's certainly no more visually offensive than the Padres or AJ Pierzynski.

Greater Than, Less Than, Equal to for Friday Nights Game

Justin Morneau > Chris Jakubauskas fastball


Brendan Harris Bat > Nick Punto Bat


Nick Punto glove > or = Brendan Harris Glove


Brendan Harris > Nick Punto


Russell Branyon < Paul Bunyon


Brian Buscher > Hanging curve ball


Mariners 3rd base coach Bruce Hines = Old West Mustache’s


Matt Tolbert > Alexi Casilla


Curve balls > Delmon Young


Bert Blyleven > Night Crawlers


Empty Blue Seats > Twins fans


Scott Baker < Ability to grow facial hair


Robby Incmikoski < Neck Ties


Joe Mauer = Opposite field second row home runs


Metrodome Field Turf < Ichiro


Carlos Gomez < Major League Pitchers


Carlos Gomez = Late-inning defensive replacements


Scott Baker > 0-5 record


Twins season outlook tonight > Twins season outlook last night

Screams of sadness

Another Twins loss builds an awful wreckage in my soul. The dark shadows of fourth place torture and torment. An ever deepening sea of ineptness consumes our hopes and dreams. The season is lost. Gone like the dead foliage of Autumn. The pitching rem...

...What the...

uh oh

UH OHHHHH!!!!!

It's utility infielder Jay Canizaro!!! What the heck are you doing here? Wait, let me get this straight. You want to know if we will party with you, Jay Canizaro?!?! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Um...YEAH!" This is awesome. Right, we need tunes. Ahhhh yeah, now this is a party.

This a great party, Jay. WHAT?!? No you DIDN'T, Jay Canizaro. You did not just bust out the limbo stick! I freaking love limbo. Let's do it. Let's find out how low we can go. This is a blast. I don't even remember what I was sad about.

Hells yeah I want some junk food. Let me get a plate. You're right. This is a party. Screw the plate. I am just going to shove the sweaty wad of Cheetos I have in my hand into my mouth! This party is out of control, you guys.

Seriously, do not press "send." Oh my gosh, it's ringing. I can't believe we are prank calling Denny Hocking right now.

HAHAHA. He was all like, "Hello." Then you just totally hung up on him. He doesn't know what is going on right now. He just got Punk'd hard. Man, partying with you, Jay, is exactly what I needed. You want to take the furniture out on the street and start it on fire? You're right. That's a bit overdoing it.

What's that, Jay? Um...no...I'm not interested in buying any Amway products. Wait, where are you going?

I don't mind when Punto slides into first

I really don't. He thinks it's faster. I have no reason to doubt him. We have to assume that Punto knows better than anyone how fast he is to first base -- either running through the bag or sliding. You might think you know better than Punto, but that's just because your little league coach or some dude that has a blog told you so. But the truth is, you haven't done any time trials on Nick Punto running to first.

I have never played in an organized baseball game (I don't think this league counts), but I understand that you are told from little league to run through first. Scouts say the same thing. It's conventional baseball wisdom. But I suspect this is far more related to preventing injury than getting to the base faster. I'm sure someone, at some point in baseball's long history has tried to do an experiment to determine which method in general is faster, but I haven't seen one. And I definitely haven't seen one specifically for Nick Punto.

The main argument for sliding being slower: friction.

From I Dislike Your Favorite Team:

Now, granted--there are times when sliding into first is a good idea (tag plays)
but generally speaking it is not a good idea. Your feet are two quick moving
contact points--your front of your stomach is simply a drag-causing,
momentum-slowing obstacle. You might think this is obvious. You, probably, do
not drive all around town with the parking brake on, under the assumption that
it gets you places faster.

From Lost Forest After Dark:

However one frustration that will also rise to the top is Nick Punto's
proclivity to slide into first base on close plays. As anyone who has played
baseball or has a rudimentary understanding of physics, sliding into first is
slower than running through the base, not to say anything about greater
possibility of injury while sliding...

...No Nick Punto we don't think
you're a jerk, we just think you are stupid. The evidence is there both at a
theoretical level and based on experience. All your "hard work" and
"personality" can't change the laws of physics.

Mr Punto, your rebuttal?

From the Star Tribune:

I think when you dive, it's quicker, as long as you hit the bag before you hit
the ground, or simultaneously.

Boom. Punto just made the whole stomach-to-ground-friction argument irrelevant. He doesn't slide. He dives. Punto: 1 Physics: 0. Also, you have to hit the bag directly. It's not just a finish line you have to cross. So often on close plays, batters either stretch their foot out to touch the bag or shorten the gate of their last two strides to hit the bag. Both slow you down. And diving almost eliminates your chances of getting tagged out.

The injury argument is relevant, but if Punto is okay with it, so am I. I can't really fault a role player like Punto for sacrificing his body for something he thinks will help the team. If Joe Mauer wanted to slide head first, well that's a different story.

I guess the main point is people need to relax. I have no idea why his headfirst slide irritates so many people.

So Nick, I'm not usually a big defender of yours, but in this case...Iz got yur back.

Its been long enough

We are far enough from it now to know, our hometown 9 got nothing of great value for the best pitcher in the league. Last January, as you all know Johan Santana was traded to the Metropolitans for a handful of prospects. Carlos Gomez, Phillip Humber, Kevin Mulvey and Deolis Guerra.

Everyone was fairly high on Gomez at this point last season. He was streaky and stuck out too much, but everyone was convinced he would outgrow that. Instead he steady gone backwards. His defense is outstanding, and can steal a base whenever he gets on base. But, he doesn't get on base, ever! Hopefully now that his wife has popped out a new baby he can relax. But, I have a feeling that "relax" isn't in this kids vocabulary. The thought was he was going to be the answer in center field with Torii Hunter, but I am convinced if the club breaks camp with Denard Span in the leadoff/CF spot, the team has another Central Division banner hanging from the Teflon roof.

The twins came north from Florida with Humber this year, but he couldn't get anyone out up in the show so he was send down to Rochester after only 4 appearances. To make room for Juan Morillo, they are teammates now in New York. Since he was demoted he has been pitching much better with opponents only batting .120 off him in 2 appearances.

Kevin Mulvey started the year in AAA and had a couple not so great starts, but has turned in 3 fair performances in a row. He wont be great, but scouts seem to think he'll be an ok big league pitcher someday. Nothing spectacular, but a solid back of the rotation starter. the one problem I see is that he has only gone past the 5th inning once, and hasn't gotten into the 6th yet. The other Red Wing starters have all gone 7 at least once. He does lead the team in strike outs and has an ERA under 3. But if he can't get you the innings maybe he could be solid bull pen guy.

The real question mark is Deolis Guerra, the phenom from Venezuela. He is still only 19 and in his 3rd year of professional baseball. But his ERA has gone up, and his K's have gone down every year. And he hasn't been promoted above A ball, so that means he's getting worse. There is something about this kid though, his stats aren't very good, but he wins ball games. Last year he had an ERA just under 5.5 and still won 11 games in 24 starts.

I'm not second guessing Billy Smith's decision here. Were better packages offered? If you believe the hype then yes. But I wasn't privy to the negotiations so I really have no idea. I am not saying that these cats wont be able to become very productive major leaguers someday either. I am just disappointed that the Twins are close to being the team to beat, and if we are able to get any production from one of these guy it would push us over the top. But I don't plan on holding my breath for that. As of right now the team to beat in the central is KC, and that is just disgusting.

Whats the deal?

I have only been to 3 games so far this year and its been ugly, the team has been able to muster 10 run. But 7 of them came on Saturday in an 11 inning debacle. The two other losses were 2-12 to Toronto and 1-7 to Tampa. Three games is hardly an adequate sample size I know, but they have been so bad I want to be upset about it. They have looked more the '99 team that only won 63 games. Scott Baker was BAD in 2 of the three, but that doesn't explain why their bats went silent. But, fear not, I know the boys are better than this. I've seen it on the TV and heard it on the AM dial. But the 3 times I've witnessed the club in action, I have been sorely disappointed.

Maybe I'm just bad luck and bitter about it. But it probably has more to do with the fact that I saw Scott Baker pitch twice.

Progressive Community Random Thoughts

We may or may not be breaking new ground here today, but I've decided to do a sort of "live blog of life" today. It's where everyone who is reading this can chime in with their random thoughts, and I'll add them to the post. Just leave them in the comments, or sign in through blogger.com and leave them here. Check back often, hopefully this will be an ever evolving post. Heck, we could even do it through the weekend. I'll start...

Haasertime:

- Happy Easter, Twins fans. Hallelujah, the Mauer is reborn. This is a very important year for Mauer. He needs to prove he's healthy to other teams, and the Twins need him to be at peak value when they trade him in the winter. We'll be watching this closely.

- They History Channel was once my favorite thing on television. I enjoyed watching cheesy early 90's documentaries on wars and the roman empire. Now all their broadcasting falls into two categories:

1- men working a mundane job

2- men searching for things that don't exist

Shows like Ax-Men and UFOhunters are downright unwatchable, and have nothing to do with History. Some guy once said, "History is a guide to navigation in perilous times. History is who we are and why we are the way we are." Okay, I'll just flip onto the history channel for guidance in these perilous times...I should go hunt for Sasquatch? I'm on my way!

- Speaking of cheesy things from the 90's, I watched Empire Records for the first time last night. I had heard from a lot of people that it's a must-see, but I didn't enjoy it at all. According to wikipedia, it was panned by audiences and critics, but gained a cult following by 20-somethings who first saw the movie as adolescents. The only other movies that rival it's cliche 90's dreamworld are Reality Bites and Clueless.

Brex:

- Charlie Ruud, St. Olaf alum and St. Paul Saints all time winningest pitcher says this is his last season. He's hanging em up to preach at Bethel Lutheran in Northfield.

Daymonster:

- I'm currently watching last nights Survivor. I love this show so much and I can't fully explain why. This season there is a guy named "Coach" and he is a total ass, he claims he was almost captured by pygmies in the Amazon, he claims he was taught an ancient form of martial arts that is not documented and only a few people in the world know it. He also was fired from his coaching job of a Division II women's soccer program because he claimed he was getting cancer tests done and not going on Survivor.

tfrezac2002:

-Well, its spring. Time for my favorite springtime activity, bean bag toss. I've played a few times this year and haven't fared to well. But I have a good feeling about today.

-Last weekend, I went to the batting cages for the first time in who knows how long. I had a couple good hacks but I am pretty terrible. I instantly remembered why I haven't played organized baseball since I was 12. I also took a foul ball off the plate straight in my unmentionable area.

-Whats the deal with beach balls? The wave used to be what bothered me most, but I think it might be beach balls now. Doesn't anyone go to baseball games to watch baseball anymore? You would never see any of those guys dressed in suits back in the '50s degrading the game like that. I should wear a suit next game I go too.

Soup:

I live in Korea. It has very little diversity. So, when Westerners see each other it is not that common of an occurrence. Well anyway, I was at the grocery store the other day and an American lady approached me. She is probably 55 years old. We talked a bit and she asked me for my email address. I gave it to her and got this email from her:

Hi this is Heather!

What are you doing this weekend?Would you like
to go to a movie? There aren't very many Englishmovies as the USA but I
sometimes go to a close Lotte Cinemaat Seongsung Industrial
Complex.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Well that makes one of us, old lady. Seriously, she might be 60.

Jam:

I reverted back to my college years yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that I had to write a 20 page paper for a class that I am taking for work...not sure. Anyway, while hanging out with to my brobros who are about 30 years old, we decided it would be a great idea to go to the midnight showing of X-Men Origins. We didn't really care all that much about the movie, although I enjoyed the previous installments, it was more for the experience. I took an hour nap before we left (bad idea), and never really got in the mood. My first mistake was not buying hot tamales. It was not as good as the other X-Men titles. In one scene it looked like a little girl drew his claws on with a silver crayon. It was weird. It also didn't really give us much in the way of origins, being as it skipped through the majority of his life before the opening credits were done. Left me wanting more...or less, I'm not sure.

TwinsWin83:

Joe Mauer is on pace to hit approximately 500 home runs this season