Thursday, April 24, 2008

So Many Theories, So Little Time

By Michael Haas

With the Free Jason Kubel bandwagon past it's prime, I think it's time we take a look at some other movements surrounding Twins Fan thought.

Free Adam Everett

Everett is the all-glove, no-bat shortstop the Twins acquired from Houston. He is only 5 - 27 this season, and is currently on the disabled list with a bum shoulder. He is 31 years old with a career batting average of .247. He makes 2.5 million dollars. The Twins need to Free Adam Everett from his obligation to play for the Minnesota Twins. Thanks for AH contributor Soup for giving the name to this school of thought.

Free Carlos Gomez's Smooooth

Torii Hunter was smooth. Torii Hunter had smooth. Remember that commercial? He was so smooth, they even gave him a gold glove. He was smooth even when he struck out uglyly. Carlos Gomez is not smooth. Joe C. is even suggesting that he should go to Rochester to find his smooth. He swings and misses a lot. And I get annoyed when he fields balls in the outfield and throws it back in all dramatically.

Free Delmon Young

Delmon Young isn't hitting very well. Now I'm not sure what kind of hitter he can be or will be and, apparently, he didn't hit for much power in the minors. But he's obviously not succeeding as a Twins - style - slap - to - the - opposite - field - type guy. I'm probably have too high of hopes for him, and am getting overly anxious for him to start producing, but I think the Twins should let him swing for the fences. Or something. With most hitters, it's a good thing to spread it to all fields and to knock it opposite field, but I'm not sure Delmon is one of those guys. In other words, I hope the Twins discourage him from "hitting like a p@#!y" (as David Ortiz would say.)
Free Delmon Young's swing.

Sign Barry Bonds

Non-baseball fans subscribe to this theory. They think we could sign him because he's still really good and could bring fans to the dome. They also think Joe Mauer is a great power hitter, and probably can't name any of our starting pitchers.

Free Matt Tolbert

Not unlike the Kubelution, the Tolbert Revolt also argues to let the young guys get regular at-bats. He's a versatile player, and he certainly has a bigger chance of being a future impact player than Harris, Lamb or Everett.

Free Mike Lamb's Eyebrows

They are awfully big, bushy and scary. This school of thought was pioneered by OMGtwins. I'm sure Lamb could talk to his fellow third baseman Alex Rodriguez about grooming tips. Maybe Lamb could get some frosted tips too?

Free Pat Neshek's Diet

His ERA was 2.94 last season. He changed his diet this winter, deciding to give up meat and become a Vegan. His ERA is an even 5 this season. Maybe Neshek could just start with just a SIDE of meat? Get it?


soup said...

Is Neshek pitching from the warning track? that might be his problem.

Daymonster said...

If the sign Barry Bonds people are non-baseball fans. What about the sign Frank Thomas people?

haasertime said...

they aren't up on the news that he signed with the A's.

Those people probably think Kubel will never not suck, but they could potentially be baseball fans.

i can't believe nobody noticed Neshek pitching from the warning track.

Daymonster said...

I was about to tell you haas "he is clearly pitching from the BP" but right as I was about to click submit I realized you were bing sarcastic.

Funny thing is I picked up on Soup's tone but not yours. Hmm...

Does that say more about me, or you?

bizmarkie507 said...

If I see Delmon Young slap a looping single to the opposite field I'm gonna barf and dislike Gardy and Vavra. Sorry, but they are part of the power problem.

Karleeee said...


meat shack?
New name?

haasertime said...

love it. I think there are some other jokes to be made about a vegan death metal loving sidearm pitcher.