Soup's Guest Writer Series 4

In my fourth, and final, installment of the guest-writer series we have Hal Rocklage. Hal is a successful "power businessman"(his term) and part time motivational speaker. Oh, and he also requested that you play this song on "full blast" as you read his piece.

Putting the Win Back in Twins

Close your eyes. Go 'head. Close 'em. I want you to imagine a Major League Baseball team. This team only had a payroll of $57 million. It's the youngest team in the league. They lost two of their best players in the off season. Imagine this team was in a division with three other more talented teams.

Now, write down on a piece of paper how many wins you think this team won this season. Then slowly slide that piece of paper across the table to me, like we do in the business world.

65 wins? 70? 75? 80? 85? You're all wrong!

The answer is 88, and that team is your Minnesota Twins!

Hi, I'm Hal Rocklage. I want to talk to you today about winning. I am a winner. The Minnesota Twins, however, not so much. Sure they won more games than expected, but still, they failed to win the division. Let's look into our own hearts and minds and discover what makes me a winner and the 2008 Minnesota Twins losers. Because I'm a successful power businessman, we will use cutting edge business-world analytical devices to reach our conclusions. We will also use my patented 8 "P's" that makes a winner.

Positivity: Naysayers are losers. But remember, A pat on the back is not far from a kick in the pants. Write that down.

Personnel: Mahatma Gandhi, who's always been an inspiration of mine, once said, "You are only as good as the people that work for you." The Twins made some poor decisions last preseason in trying to find the best people to work for them. They signed Craig Monroe, Mike Lamb, Adam Everett, and Livan Hernandez. Let's look at this scientific Venn Diagram to find out exactly how helpful these veteran signing were.

I don't think I can state it any more clearly that that. These were "seasoned" vets, but unfortunately they were seasoned with freshly ground terrible.

Please and thank-yous are for sissies: Winners say "now" and "you're welcome."

Persistently want more: I am never satisfied. I know what you're thinking, "Hal, what more could you possibly want? You have great hair, great body, a great job, rich friends, a personalized license plate, a ton of money, a Boflex." Yes true, but I want more. I'll give you an example. I want a better office. Don't get me wrong. My office is awesome. You've probably only seen offices like mine in the movies. It's worth more than your life. No, I mean that literally. If I was to murder you, harvest your organs, and sell them on the black market...my office would still be worth more. But I want an office where I can have liquor out in the open. You know, like in those crystal containers. Right now I don't think I can have alcohol out in the open in my office. And that folks, is what drives me everyday.

Protein shakes: drink nine daily.

Permanently on edge: Never get comfortable or satisfied. That's when you're at your weakest. I, for example, listen to a recording of pitbulls viciously barking as I go to sleep. Helps me keep that edge.

Posters: It important to hang motivational posters around the workplace.

Protect your fingers and thumbs: In the business world we take protecting our fingers and thumbs very seriously. Fact: 80% of all business-world injuries are thumb and finger related. Winning companies protect their employees fingers and thumbs. The twins did not do that this season. Matt Tolbert, Alexi Casilla, Nick Punto, and Michael "Cuddy get hurt anymore?" Cuddyer all missed time from finger and thumb injuries from sliding into bases. Luckily for the Twins, my company is highly diversified and highly lucrative. We have a product that will solve these problems. I give you Baserunner Glovz 1.0

The 'Z' in gloves was my idea. Keeps things fresh. The Baserunn Glovz 1.0 offers a rugged exterior yet with an interior that is as comfortably protective as the nape of Falkor the luckdraon.

I know what you're thinking right now. You're optimistic about the Twins future. We have a lot of talented young players. You're thinking championship teams are coming. Well, I have a news flash for you Twins fans. Championship teams are NOT COMING...

THEY'RE. ALREADY. HERE!!!!

Thank you. Thank you. Buy my book. Thank you.