Thursday, September 18, 2008

Struggling Twins Ask for Federal Bailout

By Michael Haas

The Minnesota Twins Baseball Organization has asked the federal reserve to take the necessary actions to keep the team from total collapse. After the team posted a loss in the 12th inning in Cleveland, owner Carl Pohlad announced the club was in 'dire straights,' and on the verge of meltdown. September losses totaling 10 games appear to have cut playoff chances to less than 13%, leading season ticket holders to sell off much of their stock of tickets.

Industry insiders point to the decreased effectiveness of relief pitching as a major source of the Twins problems. Performance of the hitters with runners in scoring position also took a hit during the 4th quarter of the season, leading to a major decrease in run production.

Congressional Democrats reacted by blasting Bud Selig's failed leadership, saying the commissioner did not regulate the schedule aggressively enough. Republicans, who have criticized last weeks Tampa Bay Rays bail-out, argued that their convention was not to blame for the Twins woes and that they "should learn to perform better on the road."

The Minneapolis-based Twins are an important team, particularly in the midwest, where fans would be most affected by a poor 6th month showing. The team can no longer provide insurance that a competitive team will show up to play on a daily basis. Consequently, sales at the Metrodome are dwindling, while free-market ticket prices are plunging. A recent poll suggests that interest rates among fans are at a level not seen since May; this despite a poor Vikings season.

What the organization would do with the potential $80 billion windfall was unclear Wednesday, but insiders believe the club plans to bribe the White Sox into losing all of their remaining games, saying, "That's the only way they could win -- just like Cincinnati in 1919."

8 comments:

Daymonster said...

bravo good sir. bravo.

k-bro said...

Brilliant.

brex said...

Send that one to the Onion along with your resume. See if you get a job.

Tricia said...

Awesome.

bizmarkie507 said...

Nice I never could of thought of all that. But on a side note, Gardy might as well shelf Guerrier for the remainder of the season. Shouldn't of taken out Mirajes with 2 outs and a runner on 3rd last night. Let the rookie stay in there and see if he can get out of it. The second I saw Guerrier running out from the bull pen I knew the Twins were going to lose.

TwinsWin83 said...

Its getting ugly. Has there ever been a team that has lost more 1-2 run games over a month and half period? Ever? I mean you would have to think that sooner or later one of them would swing the Twins way.

There was an article in ESPN yesterday equating the Twins struggles to a Vegas-style theory that the dice just werent rolling their way lately. So wouldnt that mean that atleast once or twice over that period they would have won one of those close games?

I just have never seen a team so lifeless in the late innings of close games during a pennant race. It hurts to watch them wait for something go wrong instead of fighting to win until the closing bell.

Holmer said...

Genius!

It's been a heartbreakingly sad few weeks, but we do have those three games we've been looking forward to for quite some time. ha. Looks like it will take more than a sweep now...

Are there therapy sessions set for Twins fans around the area to attend to overcome the depression caused by the pain of viewing this hopeless end to a once promising season?

soup said...

Nice, Haas.

It would be much easier if we diversified our rooting interests. Next year lets all be fans of all MLB teams.

But we won tonight baby! Suck it White Sox fans!