Thursday, February 21, 2008

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

By Michael Haas

Editors Note: In a truly unprofessional turn of events, amateur blogger and Twins rube Michael Haas writes a blogpost telling Twins first baseman Justin Morneau to abandon love and focus on baseball. Unbelievably selfish.

The evidence is overwhelming. In that wonderful season of 2006, Justin Morneau helped the Twins capture the division and he won the MVP award in the process. He was a swingin' bachelor, living with eventual batting champ Joe Mauer in a swingin' bachelor pad in St. Paul. Mauer and Morneau did everything together. They said good morning and goodnight to eachother, and ate Jimmy Johns and hit baseballs in between.

But then Justin Morneau got a girlfriend. He moved out of Mauer's place during the offseason, and stumbled through 2007. As he and his girlfriend got more serious, his numbers declined - he only hit seven bombs during the second half of '07.

Justin Morneau is a better baseball player when he isn't in love. That's why I'm suggesting 50 ways for JM to leave his lover.

1. slip out the back Jack
2. make a new plan, Stan (you don't need to be coy, Roy)
3. hop on the bus, Gus, (you don't need to discuss much)
4. Just drop off the key, Lee
5. Jump on a plane, Jane
6. Write a little poem, Jerome
7. Twins-o-gram on the Jumbotron, Ron

and these other ones that I found here:

8. Push him out a tree, Bree
9. Feed her to a shark, Mark
10. Harvest his kidney, Cindy
11. Make him all porous, Doris
12. Feed him some ricin, Tyson
13. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen
14. Chop off his organ, Morgan
15. Throw her down a gorge, George
16. Punch her with an awl, Paul
17. Fake your own death, Beth
18. Hire Chaz Palminteri, Mary
19. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia
20. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick
21. Toss him off the seventh story, Laurie
22. Pulp his scrotus, Otis
23. Bury her alive, Clive
24. Run him over with a trolley, Molly
25. Feed her to the capitalist sharks! Marx!
26. Make her write a will, Bill
27. Chisel off his knees, Louise
28. Switch to the whip, Chip
29. Give her a double-barreled hug, Doug
30. Bake him in a tureen, Doreen
31. Cement him in a well, Mel
32. Bump her off a ridge, Midge
33. Start erasin,’ Jason
34. Select her sister for a mate, Nate
35. Try to poke her mom, Tom
36. Slip her a mickey, Dickey
37. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn
38. Subtract a limb, Tim
39. Make it hard for him to piss, Kris
40. Set fire to his hair, Blair
41. Hit him with a mace, Chase
42. Cook her in a stew, Lew
43. Drown him off your yacht, Dot
44. Chomp on his penis, Enos
45. Fit her for a spear, Dear
46. Staple him to the bed, Fred
47. Drown him in the Seine, Le Glen
48. Apply the hurt, Burt
49. Amputate daily, Haley
50. Smother her with malice, Alice

Or Morneau could just remind her that any kids they have together will be Canadian.

Paul Simon - 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover




6 comments:

Holmer said...

I'm not sure that all of those rhyme, but they're great ideas.

You should create a graph that depicts JM's decline, and mail it to him. Sighting the specific reason as to why he can't seem to see the ball through love struck eyes.

haasertime said...

gawdammit editor, it's not that bad, it's just a joke.

Holmer - YOU should create a graph that depicts his decline.

TwinsWin83 said...

If the fact that he is Canadian doesnt convince this chick to leave him then nothing will.

Karleeee said...

51. Tell her no more thrustin, Justin.


I WIN!
WHAT DO I WIN?

soup said...

"Twins-o-gram on the Jumbotron, Ron"

wow.

bizmarkie507 said...

haha nice