Friday, January 15, 2010

Alright Hamilton Team Building Retreat 2010: Pictures

Greetings reader. I apologize for having been away for the better part of the past month. There's a good excuse though. Since we made a pact with the devil, it's just been one thing after another. But seriously folks, the folks behind Alright Hamilton decided to get out of town, recharge the ol' batteries and commit ourselves to some new blog goals for the new decade.

Our program began with an address by motivational speaker Hal Rocklage. It was a great speech, until he said, "new blog goals for a new decade," which sparked an intense argument between two contributors about when a decade begins.

Next came the team building exercises, which only provoked anger and resentment in the participants. Just remember: it only takes one smelly dude to ruin an entire human-knot game.

The Themes of Twins Blogging was my personal favorite session of the weekend. Our speaker was accomplished blogger Aaron Gleeman. He outlined this list of subjects and themes.

Women that we think are cute
This is a shrewd and highly controversial blogging tactic. Oggling women and following sports go together hand in hand. Even though the reader generally has no interest in the writers opinion of gorgeous actresses, they won't complain either - they don't want to sound homosexual or square. And they'll always click on the linked risque photos. Another bonus: all those search engine hits!

Ripping on mainstream writers who rip on blogs
It's important to complain to people who read your blog about people who will never read your blog. Don't forget to throw in the mandatory, "dying industry" insult!

It's okay to discuss your personal life on your baseball blog, as long as you only include postivite, show-offish stuff. Examples include: losing weight, buying a house, getting a new job and general name-dropping. At least 30% of sentences should begin with "I ..." Responding to criticism in a snarky manner is another useful tactic for promoting oneself. And don't forget to throw in a dig or two at the Minnesota Daily sports page for spurning you ten years ago!

Next was the Humor In Blogging seminar. Because Gleeman knew absolutely nothing about the subject, he turned it over to Alright Hamilton's own panel of contributing writers. Here are some established joke subjects we came up with, which were written on a gigantic pad of paper on an easel.

- Nick Punto sucks but Ron Gardenhire loves him.

- Alexi Casilla is a male bimbo. He's a mimbo.

- Mike Redmond walks around naked

- Joe Mauer is a sterotypical Minnesotan and says, "ya know" too much.

- Vikings fans live in trailer parks

- Target Field is going to be really cold

- The Twins do things the right way and the national media loves it

- Anything with Bert Blyleven

- Pat Neshek likes hardcore death metal

- Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer once lived together

- Nick Punto can't bunt because he wears too much douchey Affliction clothing

So there you have it. No more of these blog posts that are just filler. No more banal tweets. We're already working hard, as evidenced by the photo above. We're writing blog posts and tweeting like crazy. We're all set for 2010.

What? We're two weeks in already?


Bryz said...

Slowpoke is slow.

haasertime said...

yeah. can't bunt either.

Anonymous said...

..and not one mention of Clay Condrey. For shame.