Tuesday, August 7, 2007

An Open Letter to Mike Piazza

By Michael Haas

Dear Mike Piazza

I am a Minnesota Twins fan. The Twins are barely hanging onto hope of making the playoffs, and they are in search of a spark, in the form of a veteran bat. The Oakland A's are a terrible ballclub, with no chance of making the post-season. I recently read that you were placed on waivers and every ballclub passed on you. That means that no club wants to pay you $2.5 million to play on their team. You aren't that good. This all adds up perfectly, yes? Until I read this:

Piazza has a gentleman's agreement with GM Billy Beane that will keep Oakland from trading him against his will, and Twins insiders keep hearing Piazza doesn't want to play in Minnesota.

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to play in Minnesota. Sure, we don't have oceans or sea shells or media members questioning athletes sexual preference, but we have other good stuff that more than makes up for the lack of those things. We have lakes. In fact, Minneapolis (where the Twins play) is nicknamed the City of Lakes!

Have you ever heard of Prince? He's from Minneapolis, and he's damn proud of it. You probably think you'll be at some dinner party sometime, and a guy will ask you what team you played for in the last six weeks of the 2007 season. You think that if you reply, 'Minnesota' He'll laugh and snicker. Just say 'Shhhh' and then tell him Prince is from Minnesota. He'll immediately realize that Minnesota is indeed hip.

The Twins are a pretty neat bunch of guys. Justin Morneau is kinda shy, but he's pretty good. Joe Mauer is a catcher, just like you used to be. Perhaps you could give him some pointers? But you don't have to. It's not like he's going to bug you or anything - he's not exactly a big talker. If you have any computer problems, just call Rochester and ask for Lewis Ford. We also have a Cy Young winner who likes to call out our GM in the press, and a former 3rd baseman who can't hit. He can't even bunt.

As silly as this sounds, we need you. I think you'd enjoy it here, and it's not like you have to stay for the winter.

Like I said, we're just hangin' in there.

We need your help!


bizmarkie507 said...

Screw Piazza. Would it really kill him to stay in a minneapolis hotel for the next 3 months of his life, get paid 2.5 over that short span, and play for a team that has a legitimate chance to make the playoffs?

He's a pampered over the hill asshole.

haasertime said...

yeah. he is pampered and over the hill.

its not even about adding a quality bat, cuz piazza isn't even good. but it would give the clubhouse a boost. i was for the luis castillo trade when it happened cuz i felt changes should be made - buying or selling - because standing pat just sucks. but now im against it because it killed the psyche of this team.

and i want him to come just because he says he doesnt want to.

Jim H. said...

Where's Henry Blanco when we need him?

soup said...

I'm pro Piazza. Anyone would spark this offense (unless your name is brett boone)

in other news...

did anyone see Coom Dog got arrested for a DWI? What kind of jackass cop gives ron coomer a DWI? If you can hit a baseball at the major league level...driving drunk is a piece of cake. I would have given him a police escort home.

haasERTIME said...

yeah, i saw that. i can only imagine his mug shot.

Ya know thats probably why Piazza doesn't want to come here. i bet in New York and Miami and Los Angeles and Oakland, they give their drunk athletes rides home.

ex-twin update: hank blanco is still with the Cubs, but he hasn't played since the end of May. He's on the DL with a 'Cervical herniated disc' He was hitting .198 at the time. The cubs could write a novel about their catching situation this season.