Thursday, November 19, 2009

Joe Mauer Is (Passively) Running This Team

With his free agency less than one year away, Joe Mauer's every move and idea is respected to an absurd degree. In an effort to mold the organization to Mauer's liking, the Twins have begun coyly asking his opinion on the issues. And because he is a true Minnesotan, he rarely expresses his thoughts or preferences, and when he does, it's not very straightforward. As such, the Twins brass has hired a team of linguists to examine the catcher's speech and determine his thoughts.

War Room Colonel Guy: (gruff, serious voice) We need to do everything in our power to keep our catcher from signing with New York. Contact him, and make sure none of our offseason plans offend him. And find out if he likes our uniform better than the Yankees stuff.

Mauer: (from his cabin up north, speaking quietly) Hello?

War Room: (gruff military man using sweet voice and fake name) Yes, this is Mr. Arthur Olson with the Twins, I'm in charge of gathering player thoughts on our offseason strategy. Do you have any thoughts?

Mauer: hmm, not particularly. Ya know, as long as we have enough guys to play some ball, I'll be happy. I'm sure whatever you guys decide will be fine.

War Room: oookay, any players you don't like on the team? Any players from other teams you'd like to play with?

Mauer: Well, I don't mind Morneau..... ya know, I can't really complain about our team. In terms of other guys in the league.....well, I've talked to a few. I don't have any objections to bringing in anyone in particular. I talked to JJ Hardy a few times when we played on a national team together.... he wasn't too bad.

War Room Colonel Guy: (ignoring Mauer) Linguist! What the heck did he just say?

Linguist: "Not too bad" means good! He said he and JJ Hardy know each other well and care deeply for one another!

War Room: Get Milwaukee on the horn! Trade for Hardy immediately!

War Room: Alright Joe, we were recently considering some changes to our uniforms. What do you think about that?

Mauer: uh, ya know, whatever. I'm sure you guys will come up with something okay.

War Room: The hats? Helmets? Colors anything?

Mauer: Nah, they all seem nice enough. Ya know, our hats kinda neat.

War Room members: (whispering desperately amongst themselves, ignoring Mauer) But which hats? Who cares, keep the M hat and the TC hat!

War Room: Alright, how about the pinstripes? You like the pinstripes? (everyone holds their breath)

Mauer: I don't know, I can take 'em or leave 'em on our away uniforms...

Linguist: (explaining in a whisper to the rest of the war room) I believe he's harboring negative feelings toward pinstripes!

(war room breathes a sigh of relief)

Mauer: ....but, ya know, I think the pinstripes aren't too bad on the home whites.

War Room: NOOOOOO!!!!!


roy said...

thats good i enjoyed that.

brex said...

haha something tells me Joe's shack in the woods is a little nicer than that

Twins don't give a what about the World Series. I heard Joe is talking to the vikes about qb 2010. Joe says he doesnt like MN winter so he told Wilf he will play if they move the team to LA.

haasertime said...

Joe Mauer is going to single handedly move the Vikings to L.A. and then go play catcher for the Yankees.

Most hated man in MN

Daymonster said...


If that's not his cabin, why is he standing in front of it?

Anonymous said...

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?