Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Building a Better Ballplayer - Literally

Apparently, Twins players are undergoing laser eye surgery to help their performance on the diamond. How else can they improve through the miracle of modern medicine?

Eyes: Forget painful eye surgery, just replace them. State of the art electronic eyes can pick up the spin on a pitched baseball better than conventional peepers. Available in azure, hazel and pinstripe.

AI: Artificial Intelligence is one of the biggest goals of computer science. When it's invented, Alexi Casilla could benefit from a couple of chips worth of IQ. Does patience come with that? Okay, send some over to Carlos Gomez too.

Botox: One of the simpler cosmetic surgeries, this could be great for the oft-nude backup catcher. When Redmond retires, he plans to pitch his Baywatch: The Movie idea to the studio. Naturally, he wants the star role. Male model Joe Mauer would also benefit from some botox, as it's never too early to look out for those crows feet.

Some sort of smell enhancer: The team did amazingly well at smelling RBI's in '08. This nasal improvement would be specifically for Morneau, specifially in September.

Tommy John surgery: Making the arm super strong by replacing an elbow ligament with a better ligament from somewhere else. Genius. Neshek and Liriano should have had this done a long time ago. Might as well do Guerrier now.

Henry Rowengartner Surgery: By deliberately tightening all tendons and ligaments, a pitcher should be able to throw about 100mph. Just don't slip on a baseball!

Prosthetic Legs: Some marathoners, who've lost their originals, now sport state of the art, space age legs. After this surgery, Delmon could switch the 'run' setting from grape stomp to gazelle.


Daymonster said...

I lol'd at "switch the 'run' setting from grape stomp to gazelle.

Anonymous said...

Liposuction for Boof?


Anonymous said...

By Holmer:

Rumor has it that Aaron Rowand already has two of those prosthetic legs. Simply amazing.

bizmarkie507 said...

Haasertime, you ever seen this video before? its axl and slash drunk out of their minds at an old concert. its hilarious and awesome.

bizmarkie507 said...

oh and at first glance I thought the guy over Pam Anderson's should was a very well done photoshopped brad radke. lol

soup said...

Ha, I forgot about Rowand being a double amputee.

haasertime said...

that is a hilarious GnR vid. When rockstars are happy and doing funny banter, it makes the music better somehow.

bizmarkie507 said...

i love how it takes slash like 30 seconds to figure out how to play welcome to the jungle because he's so blitzed.