Soup's Guest Writer Series 4

In my fourth, and final, installment of the guest-writer series we have Hal Rocklage. Hal is a successful "power businessman"(his term) and part time motivational speaker. Oh, and he also requested that you play this song on "full blast" as you read his piece.

Putting the Win Back in Twins

Close your eyes. Go 'head. Close 'em. I want you to imagine a Major League Baseball team. This team only had a payroll of $57 million. It's the youngest team in the league. They lost two of their best players in the off season. Imagine this team was in a division with three other more talented teams.

Now, write down on a piece of paper how many wins you think this team won this season. Then slowly slide that piece of paper across the table to me, like we do in the business world.

65 wins? 70? 75? 80? 85? You're all wrong!

The answer is 88, and that team is your Minnesota Twins!

Hi, I'm Hal Rocklage. I want to talk to you today about winning. I am a winner. The Minnesota Twins, however, not so much. Sure they won more games than expected, but still, they failed to win the division. Let's look into our own hearts and minds and discover what makes me a winner and the 2008 Minnesota Twins losers. Because I'm a successful power businessman, we will use cutting edge business-world analytical devices to reach our conclusions. We will also use my patented 8 "P's" that makes a winner.

Positivity: Naysayers are losers. But remember, A pat on the back is not far from a kick in the pants. Write that down.

Personnel: Mahatma Gandhi, who's always been an inspiration of mine, once said, "You are only as good as the people that work for you." The Twins made some poor decisions last preseason in trying to find the best people to work for them. They signed Craig Monroe, Mike Lamb, Adam Everett, and Livan Hernandez. Let's look at this scientific Venn Diagram to find out exactly how helpful these veteran signing were.

I don't think I can state it any more clearly that that. These were "seasoned" vets, but unfortunately they were seasoned with freshly ground terrible.

Please and thank-yous are for sissies: Winners say "now" and "you're welcome."

Persistently want more: I am never satisfied. I know what you're thinking, "Hal, what more could you possibly want? You have great hair, great body, a great job, rich friends, a personalized license plate, a ton of money, a Boflex." Yes true, but I want more. I'll give you an example. I want a better office. Don't get me wrong. My office is awesome. You've probably only seen offices like mine in the movies. It's worth more than your life. No, I mean that literally. If I was to murder you, harvest your organs, and sell them on the black market...my office would still be worth more. But I want an office where I can have liquor out in the open. You know, like in those crystal containers. Right now I don't think I can have alcohol out in the open in my office. And that folks, is what drives me everyday.

Protein shakes: drink nine daily.

Permanently on edge: Never get comfortable or satisfied. That's when you're at your weakest. I, for example, listen to a recording of pitbulls viciously barking as I go to sleep. Helps me keep that edge.

Posters: It important to hang motivational posters around the workplace.

Protect your fingers and thumbs: In the business world we take protecting our fingers and thumbs very seriously. Fact: 80% of all business-world injuries are thumb and finger related. Winning companies protect their employees fingers and thumbs. The twins did not do that this season. Matt Tolbert, Alexi Casilla, Nick Punto, and Michael "Cuddy get hurt anymore?" Cuddyer all missed time from finger and thumb injuries from sliding into bases. Luckily for the Twins, my company is highly diversified and highly lucrative. We have a product that will solve these problems. I give you Baserunner Glovz 1.0

The 'Z' in gloves was my idea. Keeps things fresh. The Baserunn Glovz 1.0 offers a rugged exterior yet with an interior that is as comfortably protective as the nape of Falkor the luckdraon.

I know what you're thinking right now. You're optimistic about the Twins future. We have a lot of talented young players. You're thinking championship teams are coming. Well, I have a news flash for you Twins fans. Championship teams are NOT COMING...

THEY'RE. ALREADY. HERE!!!!

Thank you. Thank you. Buy my book. Thank you.

Movies and a random thought.

By Holmer

I have been trying to determine why I just can't find it in me to enjoy watching the NFL. I like football, I watch NCAA football. Beside the obvious FOX robot, I found that one of my many reasons lie in the T.V. announcer's booth.

In baseball, you have your hometown voices that give an optimistic, "get to know 'em" type delivery that gives the audience a look at the good, during the bad.

NFL games are broadcast on a variety of networks who have their personalities spread all over the country every Sunday. These announcers might show up a few days early to their assigned cities to watch a practice or two, but they don't know how this team works or who comes in to the game after you lose your top two linebackers. They throw out a few little known stats or facts which they found via IHOP or Google maps, and pretend to know the goings on of the team's inner-workings. Plus you have those games where you have to struggle through Madden's bumbling drubble, or Kornheiser's endless nonsense. So, maybe adding hometown announcers to the NFL will cause my taste to sweeten toward our Professional Football.

And...

Does anyone else think that having "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" spend a week a-top America's movie list as being preposterous? Although it boasts a cast of voices including the likes of Andy Garcia (The Godfather parts II and III, Ocean's Eleven), Drew Barrymore (E.T., The Wedding Singer), and George Lopez (Balls of Fury, Dancing with the Stars) it is simply ludicrous that this is the theater option that our population preferred over such movies as:

Leo (What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Catch Me If You Can) and Russell Crowe's (Cinderella Man, Gladiator) latest gig, "Body of Lies". A government underground thriller full of twists and turns that demands an attentive audience to comprehend the plot and ending.

"Appaloosa" a modern western that stars Ed Harris (Beautiful Mind, Radio) who is also the director, reunites with "A History of Violence"'s Viggo Mortensen (LOTR's Aragorn). Jeremy Irons(Die Hard With a Vengence, ), and squinty face Rene Zellweger (Jerry Maguire, Me, Myself and Irene). This is probably the film I would give my highest recommendation to in the theater today.

"The Express" The story of the first black football player to win the Heisman Trophy. I'm sure it's full of our nation's ignorant racism that was so prevalent in this dark section of history. This relived story should be full of emotion, and resilience of a young man being bogged down by uppity white big-wigs.

I would also make a point to see "What Just Happened?". Starring Robert DeNiro (Taxi Driver, A Bronx Tale, Sleepers) and Bruce Willis (Die Hard, The Fifth Element) this dramatic comedy will be a must-see with the never before seen tandem of these classic actors of our time.

New Release Bonus:

"Forbidden Kingdom" If you have ever enjoyed Kung-Fu movies, this will be one of your favorites. Jet Li (Unleashed, The One) and Jackie Chan (Rush Hours, Shanghai Noon/Knights) unite to show off their elite knowledge and abilities of the Martial Arts.

I hate the AH! robot.

just kidding. I love you.


Sorry, I just really had to get that off my chest.

I love the fox robot football player

just kidding. I hate you. Every year I hope you go away, but every year you come back, and do even dumber dance moves than before.


Sorry, I just really had to get that off my chest.

Lost Posts: Santana Trade Targets

Editors note: Last offseason, we spent a lot of time on the Santana issue. While digging through our unpublished drafts, I found this little gem...

With the impending trade of Johan Santana, this will probably be one of Alright Hamilton's last posts, as there will be nothing to write about such a terrible team. Yup, might as well just shut it down until 2010, because there is no way we can compete in 2008. Unless... new GM Billy Smith somehow pulls off a great trade. Let's take a look.

Yankees

Although Brian Cashman and the rest of the Yankees brass disagree, Steinbrenner appears willing to dangle Phil Hughes. He pitched very well last year before going down with an injury, but scouts agree that with his fine mechanics, it's doubtful he'll ever spend time on the DL again. He's kindof like the Heath Ledger of baseball - he has no where to go but up. Along with Melky Cabrera and Ian Kennedy, two guys who have left their minor league careers behind, this package is almost too good to be true. If we don't take those boys from the Yankees, they will surely carry them to a championship in '08.

Red Sox

The Red Sox are allegedly willing to deal Jed Lowrie and Justin Masterson, with the centerpiece being either Jake Ellsbury or Jon Lester. This deal wouldn't really do much for the Twins. There is no way Jon Lester could possibly be a good pitcher in the majors. The guy had cancer - probably still does. He's a lot like the Governor of Alaska - sure, he's around, but no one will ever know who he is.

I'm not sure about these other guys either, we just don't need a shortstop, because we have Adam Everett. And we have too many outfielders, despite former first round pick Denard Span's attempts to suck forever. Delmon Young is a great clubhouse fit and will surely hit 30 bombs. We don't need Justin Masterson, as we already have an abundance of quality young pitching ( like Boof Bonser) and we'll probably sign a crafty, rotation mainstay in Livan Hernandez. Our bullpen is set, with Guerrier, Crain, Neshek and Reyes ready to shut them down in '08.

Other Teams Interested

The Mets are not willing to part with Jose Reyes or David Wright, and they won't have the major league ready talent to land Santana. If they somehow get him for a bunch of green prospects, the Twins might as well throw in the towel for three years. But no matter who the Twins get for Johan, 2008 will probably be a race between the White Sox and Twins...for last place.

Well I think that's a pretty sound analysis of this situation. I'm feeling pretty confident in my grasp of the future, so I'm going to go put some money on the Patriots, invest some dough in Washington Mutual, and call it a day.

LCS Preview

By TwinsWin83

It’s hard to believe we're already to the League Championship Series for this season, seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for the white-hot Rockies to take on the DBacks and the Red Sox to take on the Indians in last year’s LCS matchups. Now it’s 2008 and we have another surprise team four wins away from the World Series. Taking the Rockies spot as this seasons new kids on the block are the Tampa Bay Rays. Their opponents, the Red Sox, are no strangers to October baseball. The Dodgers and Phillies match-up on the National League side in a meeting of two teams with a lot of history, just not a lot of possitive history as of late. So once again, we will make our predictions, most of us without much certainty at all, and watch as we wait to see who the next entrants into the Fall Classic will be.


Rays vs. Red Sox









Season Series: Rays 10-8


What You Should Know: These two teams are incredibly familiar with one another, a result of meeting up 18 times this season as AL East rivals, so there won’t be many surprises. This series has been dominated by the home team but you can almost always throw that stat out the window come October as teams are to forced to deal with the added pressures of the postseason. They Rays are young, the Sox are experienced, but neither is a really clear favorite here. It's going to come down to which team plays like they should at home and can sneak a win or two out on the road.


Why the Rays Will Win: Because they are the best team at home in baseball. The Rays were 57-24 at Tropicana Field this year, and almost never lost when there was more than 30,000 fans in the stands ringing their cowbells. Common sense might tell you that their incredibly young and inexperienced team should be no match for the October-tested Sox, but if the previous 162 games and Division Series win over the White Sox have taught us anything about the Rays it’s that these kids don’t seem to care that they shouldn’t be here right now. If the Trop gets rocking and the Rays can pull out one or both games at home to start the series it could knock the Sox back on their heels and put them off their game for the rest of the ALCS. Look for the young pitchers to be fired up and throw well, and if the offense responds the Rays will jump out quickly.


Why the Red Sox Will Win: Because they are the Red Sox and this is October. That’s a statement that would have seemed ridiculous five years ago but things have changed and the franchise that couldn’t break “The Curse” for nearly 90 years are now on the edge of becoming a dynasty. Their pitching, which carried them in 2004 and last year, is as strong as ever, even without Mr. Bloody Sock Curt Schilling steering the ship. Jon Lester has emerged as a lights-out ace and a healthy Josh Beckett and Dice-K can shut anyone down when they are on top of their games. Throw in an often-dynamic offense and the Sox will be tough to beat. The series might come down to whether or not the Sox can pull out a win in one of the first two games in Tampa and take back home-field advantage from the Rays.


What to Watch For: Jonathan Pappelbon vs. the Rays. The Red Sox closer with the nasty glare has been human this year, with five blown saves and a ho-hum ERA of 2.34. If the Sox are ahead late in one of the first two games we might see Pappelbon in the 8th inning to protect a small lead, and it will be interesting to see how he handles the pandemonium and cow bells at the Trop.


Who Will Win: As much as it would be great to see the Rays continue this improbable run I think their luck runs out here against the more experienced Red Sox. The Trop goes silent. RED SOX IN 6.



Phillies vs. Dodgers










Season Series: Los Angeles 4-2


What You Should Know: These were the two hottest teams heading into October, as both rattled of an impressive 17-8 record in September. Both are storied franchises in the baseball world but neither has seen much October success lately. The Phillies have had a winning record for the past six years but have yet to get over the hump, and the Dodgers are a surprise coming out of the weak-NL West, but don’t tell either of them that because both clubs are four wins from the World Series.


Why the Phillies will win: Because the fans in Philly have suffered enough. The Phillies have been around for a long time, since 1883 to be exact, but they have only won one World Series (1980) and made only six playoff appearances (and this article won’t mention some of other sports inflicted-suffering that the folks of Philadelphia have faced over the past few decades). This Phillies team, which houses the past three National League MVPs, can be downright explosive when the offense is clicking. The pitching staff has done its job lately and Brad Lidge has been perfect this year in save opportunities, making most hitters look silly with his nasty slider and 97 MPH fastball. Once again, the momentum could swing the Phillies direction quickly if they are able to capitalize on the home-field advantage in the first two games.


Why the Dodgers Win: Because Joe Torre believes in karma. The Yankees who cast Torre aside after last season are at home watching now as Joe leads the Dodgers through October. As tiresome as Manny Ramirez and his antics can be there is no denying the impact he’s had in LA. His numbers are unreal, batting .396 in 53 games in Dodger-blue to go along with 17 home runs and 53 RBI’s. The pitching staff has patched things together and after the way LA finished the regular season and then dispatched of the heavily favored Cubs in the first round it looks like momentum is definitely a friend of theirs right now. All of the positive things that the Dodgers have going for them right now might pale in comparison to the simple fact that they are being led by a manager who has been here before and might be a cool head to prevail during any tight situations that might arise in this NLCS.


What to Watch For: Cole Hamels vs. Manny Ramirez. The best pitcher in this series vs. the best hitter in the series, what could be more important? Hamels was unhittable in his start against the Brewers in the NLDS and if he can shut down Manny the effect could trickle down to the rest of the Dodgers line-up. The opposite could also be the result if Manny has some success against Hamels, as it could show the rest of his teammates that the Phillies ace is hittable.


Who Will Win: I think the dynamic Phillies players, Howard, Utley and Rollins will be too much for the hit-or-miss Dodgers offense in this series, and the Phils make their city proud. Phillies in 6.


So.....
My 2008 World Series Pick
Boston vs. Philly

The Case for the Rays

Now that the team I hate the most (White Sox) is out of the playoffs and the team I live the closest to (Cubs) are out of the play offs and the team I love the most (Twins) never made it into the playoffs (thanks to the team I hate the most) I have decided I am going to root for the Tampa Bay Rays.

I made this decision immediately after the Twins lost the 1-0 tie-breaker game at US Cellular Field. I walked to the nearest Lids and purchased a brand new Rays cap. Side note: is anyone else upset they stopped making the wool New Era 59Fifty hats? The new polyester ones don't shrink at all and now I am in between sizes. I either get a headache every time I wear my hat or I have to look like this. Also not to mention why are the bottom of the bills black now? I think they should still be green like they were when we were little.

Back to my point: There are a lot of reasons why I think the AH! nation, hand full of people, should put their support behind the Rays. While most of these have been addressed by the national media at some point I think it's best we take a look at all of these in one list.

Payroll: The payroll of the Rays this year is $43,820,598. The next team remaining in the playoffs are the Phillies at $98,269,881. Over twice as much... While I know I don't necessarily want to reward teams for being stingy, in this case a lot of it has to do with the players being so young.

Young Players: The average age of the Rays is 27.4. That's only a little older than me! They are totally just like us! The Red Sox average age is 31.33. That's like the age of our grand parents!

Took the Devil Out: Is it a coincidence that when they take the "Devil" out of their names they suddenly stop being terrible? I think not, they are truly "a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida."

Matt Garza: He was my favorite of the new young crop of pitchers. I still like him and I want to see him succeed.

Their Wikipedia Page: It lists Jason Tyner as a "Notable Former Player"

They are Terrible at Math: According to the team 9 = 8. Ridiculous, there is NO WAY nine equals eight. I think they meant 9 > 8 or maybe 9 ≥ 8.

Geography: Does anyone else thinks it's great that there is a team called the FLORIDA Marlins and then another team with the name of a city/metropolitan area within that state with their own baseball team? I mean what if it was the Chicago Cubs and the Illinois White Sox, that would be insanity!

Polite Fans: While I can't make a generalization like that and be 100% accurate, but come on they have a guy called the "Gentleman Heckler"

I think I have made my point. We can't have another Red Sox World Series Victory... there fans used to be cool when they could never win, now that they can they are just as bad as any other team. The Dodgers don't deserve to win the World Series let alone make the playoffs. The Phillies is the only other team I could maybe tolerate winning, because their fans are assholes already.