Roy Halladay Scoffs At Your Ridiculous Proposition

As a baseball fan, I enjoy a good trade rumor. It doesn't matter if the rumor is completely absurd or unsubstantiated. I even devour old stories about proposed deals that fell apart, invoking evoking the "oh what might have been" feeling. Using speculation to imagine players on one team eventually playing for a different team - It's quite fun, and mildly addicting.

For one-stop shopping, I MLBtraderumors.com. It's great for pulling all the rumors from various baseball people and piling them in one spot. It's fun to follow because each piece of information, sometimes seemingly useless and trivial, can affect the free agent or trade market. The ebbs and flows of the market definitely affect the Twins chances of acquiring players. You can bet Billy Smith pays attention to every move every team makes, probably via the same website.

So I wonder what Billy Smith thought when he read this:

A major league executive told Elliott that he doesn't know where Halladay might end up, but knows that he has told the Blue Jays that he would agree to be dealt to the Yanks. Doc has used his no-trade clause before to prevent being shipped to the Twins and Rangers.

That's it. They're just going to leave it at that. Just throw that out there, without explaining it. This little mind-fuck leaves us with the following questions:

1. What the hell are you talking about?
2. Roy Halladay?
3. To the Twins?
4. Was there an accepted deal on the table, and then Halladay just nixed it?
5. Or did he have the Twins his "don't even bother talking to them" list?
6. Even if Halladay had the Twins on his never in a million years, did the Blue Jays and Smith continue to talk, ala Padres-White Sox for Peavey?
7. Or maybe it's something really cool I don't even know about.

Of course, the phrasing is interesting.(italics, capslock and bold are mine)

"....used his NO-TRADE CLAUSE to prevent being shipped to the tWiNs..."

It's almost as if Roy Halladay would be a Minnesota Twin if he had not prevented it with his mysterious no-trade clause.

I don't know why Billy Smith and the Toronto front office would even waste their time. The Phillies offered a sweet package, and got denied. Not by Halladay, but by the Blue Jays top brass. For the Twins to complete a deal, they would have had to send their whole farm system to Toronto.

I seriously doubt Billy Smith ever even had much of a discussion for Halladay. It probably went like this:

Smith: Whataya want for Scuturo?

Riciardi: More than you're willing to give up.

Smith: Come on, you're going to get fired after the season anyway.

Riciardi: Fine, give me Casilla, Valencia, Guerrier and.... Punto.

Smith: c'mon! Gardenhire would kill me if I took Punto from him. Whataya want for Halladay?

At that point, it would be a race between the pitcher and his GM to humiliatingly reject Smith first.

NL Cy Young double dactyls

Haas' MLB award limricks got the rigid-forms-of-poetry part of my brain a tickin'. And wouldntyaknowit, one of the award winners this year, Timothy Lincecum, is eligible for a double dactyl poem! More amazingly, the NL Cy Young runner-up, Christopher Carpenter, is also a double dactyl!!!!!!

Here's yours, Tim:

Humphery Dumphery,
Timothy Lincecum,
Won Cy Young jewelry,
This year and last,

Certainly deserving,
Mandated ganja joke,
Ultra-diminutive,
But still throws fast.

And Chris, I know you didn't win, but it was a close vote. So you get one too:

Youngity Woungity
Christopher Carpenter
Has fixed ligament
Back to Cy form

Beaten just narrowly
Deserving cardinal
Incontrovertibly

No SABR storm

So, what we've learned from this is that double dactyls are good at pitching. It's the rule. Jonathan Papelbon, there's another one right there. You can keep your Fips and fly ball percentages. My fantasy teams from this day forward will consist of as many double dactyl pitchers I can get my hands on.

And don't be a wise-ass and bring up Jeremy Bonderman. Exception to the rule.

Turkey Coloring Contest Winners

Narrowed from thousands of submissions, here are the top three candidates for 2009 Alright Hamilton Oh, That's A Turkey, Alright Coloring Contest of Thanksgiving, Third Annual.

Ready, set vote! (over here) ----------->


BronxBoi:




Byrz:
Soup


Vote on the Turkeys on the top right of this page.

Thanksgiving Coloring Contest III

It happens every year.



email completed turkeys to: haasertime@yahoo.com (by Monday)

Here are the past winners, for inspiration:

2007
And the three way tie of 2008 - Mauer, Kramer and Puffer.

Coincidentally, those are the only four entries ever received.

Have a good Turkey Day. Don't forget to smoke those cigarettes.

Limericks - - 2009 MLB Awards

AL Cy Young Award

Zack Greinke always knew he could throw
a lot better than anyone else, although
he didn't give two licks
until he learned SABRmetrics
and decided to keep his FIP low


National League Most Valuable Player

For the true baseball fan Pujols is a treat
because he's pure awesome - not a steroid cheat
It's his third MVP
And he'll never be a Yankee
So I think that's pretty neat.


American League Most Valuable Player

Joe Mauer won the A.L. M.V.P
And the only one who did not agree
probably wears mascara
because he voted for Cabrera
In his stomach, he'll soon have Joe's knee


National League Cy Young Award

Lincecum is the pitching sensation
who is receiving his due compensation
he'll buy lots of weed
and jackets of tweed
with his record breaking arbitration

BronxBoi2 weighs in...

Congratulations Joe Mauer. As a Twins fan I am biased, but I think you make for a terrific MVP. Of course, BronxBoi2 disagrees. He sent me this email:

Dear Soup,

Oh, congradufrickulations, Joe Mauer. You have somehow convinced the baseball writer people that they should vote for Mauer to be MVP based soley on batting average. Somehow you have beswindled the baseball writers to ignore HR, RBI, and Intangibles. THIS IS SUCH A GONG FACTORY!!!!! Seriously, smoke a crack pipe more, you guys. THERE ARE MORE STATS THAN BATTING AVERAGE.

The simple fact that Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter didn't recieve ONE first place vote is assinine!!!! They should have been co MVPs. If you put their numbers together, JOE MAUER WOULDN'T EVERY COMPARE!!!! If you lived between a rock and the broad side of a barn you would argue that Mauers numbers were better than should-be-co-MVPs Jeter and Tex and you probs road the short buss :P

You want to compare defense?!?!?! Jeter also got first place in the defensive stat. Um, I got two words for you. "Gold Glove." That's the defensive stat, and Jeter also got first place at it.

The absolute fact is, you guys, is that Derek Jeter (the should be MVP...or Tex) doesn't even care about individual awards. Seriously, he only cares about World Series Championships. THAT'S IT!!!!! That's different than Joe Mauer.

But the bottom of the light of the end line is that Jeter and Tex won the world series. Mauer didn't. Let me check the internets (lol)...um, it appears that the YANKEES WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!! I would like to see Mauer wear his MVP award around his finger...like how Jeter wears Championship rings around his fingers!!!! It would be THE WORLD'S DUMBEST THINGS because MVP plaques don't have holes for ring fingers!!! I guess he could be an idiot and punch a hole through it and wear it around his neck like Falvor Flav. But new flash, you guys, JOE MAUER IS NOT EVEN FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!

So enjoy, D Bags

/ still. world. champions.

BronxBoi2, out.


Well said. With Jeter winning the World Series and Mauer winning the MVP, I was reminded of this piece of internet brilliance, Jesus is the Derek Jeter of Christianity. To the part about Jeter liking winning more than anyone else:


From WSJ: Still, there is a question as to whether the MVP award really means all that much to Derek Jeter. As he put it on Aug. 23 after the Yankees beat the Red Sox-a victory that Mr. Jeter paced by hitting a home run on the game's first pitch off Boston ace Josh Beckett-"I'm not thinking about winning any awards right now. The only award that matters is that fifth World Series ring."

From FJM: Joe Mauer, meanwhile, issued a different statement to the press after going 2-4 with a walk against the Cleveland Indians. "Fuck the World Series," said Mauer. "Seriously. Write that down. Fuck the World Series. If I ever win a World Series ring, I will literally just take it and fuck the tiny ring-hole." Mauer punctuated his remarks with a graphic, thrusting pantomime, presumably of what he would physically do to the World Series ring. Mauer added: "I don't give a flying goddamn about winning. I am an awards guy. I'm Joe Fucking Mauer. I only care about individual honors. How many times do I have to tell you guys that? Mauer out, fuckfaces!" Mauer then urinated on a picture of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett holding hands and stormed out of the clubhouse whistling a pro-al Qaeda anthem that he wrote himself earlier in the day.

Joe Mauer Is (Passively) Running This Team

With his free agency less than one year away, Joe Mauer's every move and idea is respected to an absurd degree. In an effort to mold the organization to Mauer's liking, the Twins have begun coyly asking his opinion on the issues. And because he is a true Minnesotan, he rarely expresses his thoughts or preferences, and when he does, it's not very straightforward. As such, the Twins brass has hired a team of linguists to examine the catcher's speech and determine his thoughts.

War Room Colonel Guy: (gruff, serious voice) We need to do everything in our power to keep our catcher from signing with New York. Contact him, and make sure none of our offseason plans offend him. And find out if he likes our uniform better than the Yankees stuff.

Mauer: (from his cabin up north, speaking quietly) Hello?

War Room: (gruff military man using sweet voice and fake name) Yes, this is Mr. Arthur Olson with the Twins, I'm in charge of gathering player thoughts on our offseason strategy. Do you have any thoughts?

Mauer: hmm, not particularly. Ya know, as long as we have enough guys to play some ball, I'll be happy. I'm sure whatever you guys decide will be fine.

War Room: oookay, any players you don't like on the team? Any players from other teams you'd like to play with?

Mauer: Well, I don't mind Morneau..... ya know, I can't really complain about our team. In terms of other guys in the league.....well, I've talked to a few. I don't have any objections to bringing in anyone in particular. I talked to JJ Hardy a few times when we played on a national team together.... he wasn't too bad.

War Room Colonel Guy: (ignoring Mauer) Linguist! What the heck did he just say?

Linguist: "Not too bad" means good! He said he and JJ Hardy know each other well and care deeply for one another!

War Room: Get Milwaukee on the horn! Trade for Hardy immediately!

War Room: Alright Joe, we were recently considering some changes to our uniforms. What do you think about that?

Mauer: uh, ya know, whatever. I'm sure you guys will come up with something okay.

War Room: The hats? Helmets? Colors anything?

Mauer: Nah, they all seem nice enough. Ya know, our hats kinda neat.

War Room members: (whispering desperately amongst themselves, ignoring Mauer) But which hats? Who cares, keep the M hat and the TC hat!

War Room: Alright, how about the pinstripes? You like the pinstripes? (everyone holds their breath)

Mauer: I don't know, I can take 'em or leave 'em on our away uniforms...

Linguist: (explaining in a whisper to the rest of the war room) I believe he's harboring negative feelings toward pinstripes!

(war room breathes a sigh of relief)


Mauer: ....but, ya know, I think the pinstripes aren't too bad on the home whites.

War Room: NOOOOOO!!!!!