Wednesday Notes: MS Paint Edition

By Michael Haas

I think that TV and cable companies should start focusing on really fast remote controls. Digital cable sucks because one cannot flip fast. Flipping fast in flippin' great.





This is pretty self-explanatory. The Twins signed Craig Monroe yesterday, even though they don't have a position for him to play.



I think I'm going to start creating facebook events for everything I do.



While watching 'Intervention,' I realized that people on reality shows can't possibly act normally with a camera in their face all the time. It's all so fake.






Led Zeppelin reunited on Monday night for one concert. Apparently they rocked. Big surprise.

Lost Posts: Cows, Colleges, And A Buncha Kids On Smack

By Michael Haas

Editors Note: Deep from the AH! vaults comes this unfinished gem from July 2007. We thought we'd drag it out as is today, because the saga (at least media wise) seems to be over. Gary Smith announced his resignation from his post of Northfield Police Chief last week. Here's what Haas wrote when the firestorm has just started.

The cute small college town of Northfield has been up in flames over allegations that every single one of its residents abuses heroin. The whole thing started on July 3rd, when Northfield Police Chief Gary Smith called all the media from the Twin Cities to tell them that he has a juicy nugget and he's holding a press conference. At the press conference, Smith claimed that every single resident in the town of 17,000 is on heroin. He went on to declare that the Guns n’ Roses song, 'Mr. Brownstone' would now be the official high school fight song as well as the official tune of Northfield

I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more...

Well he didn't actually say anything about the Gn'R song (except a plea to Slash and Axl to reconcile their differences and throw away Chinese Democracy) and he didn't say that all Northfielders are abusing the drug. but what he did say was almost as surprising. He claims that numbers numbers numbers. the story blew up and just wont go away. it was even on the front page of the Strib on July 4th. The small town just can't get heroin off it's mind. But I believe that this is a story not because of the drugs, but because of egotistical Minnesotans not sharing our positive stereotypical Minnesota values.

- Me-first attitudes and career minded stuff.

- Abuse of the press - In the media, when reporting on an accident or murder, it is traditional to not 'release the name of the victim(s) until family has been notified' The 5 o'clock news or the morning paper is hardly the place one wants to find out about a loved one being killed. The same is true for many citizens and leaders of a town crisis. Subscribers to the Star Tribune in Moorhead and Duluth heard about the heroin problem in Northfield the same day as most Northfieldans. People who genuinely care about and work toward a better community were shocked to hear of this problem…

- Lack of collaboration between people and organizations- Perhaps I am biased here since I work with people in rice county who are involved in both short and long term drug prevention, but i think that if Smith had checked with the school superintendent, the hospital and the organizations around town that deal with youth, he would have been able to paint a more fair picture of the overall drug situation. It's just a police perspective, so its obviously going to be horse shit. And he wouldn’t have been torched by those same people after he broke the news.

- Government infighting, speaking through lawyers - Among those other reasons that smith decided to call a press conference, is that I think he and the media both believe that this is a story because it's drug use in a town that people would never expect.

Joe Mauer's Girlfriend has a Baby!

ALRIGHT HAMILTON! EXCLUSIVE

I don't know about all of you but, all this Santana trade (non)news is making me depressed. It's upsetting reading about all of these rumors involving the Twins Ball club and none of them making me happy.

Luckily while scanning the tabloids online I came across this whopper of a story involving none other than the future face of the Minnesota Twins, Joe Mauer.

The Twin Cities royal couple, Chelsea Cooley and Joe Mauer are making headlines with the recent announcement that Chelsea was pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful 11lb 2oz. boy!

Here is a recent picture of both the proud mother and father.

Similar to Tom Cruise's child, pictures of the new baby have been difficult to find due to the parents being quite reclusive. But Alright Hamilton! investigative reporters did track down one picture from an unnamed hospital staffer at Fairview Southdale Hospital where the child was birthed.

Here he is:


The young boy, who has yet to be named has his mothers, eyes, hair and smile. While the future HOFer has his fathers eye brows, nose and trademark sideburns.

The three are doing quite fine and would appreciate privacy during this exciting time.

All Things Considered, This Is Not Fun

By M. Haas

It seems that everything in back to square one in the Santana sweepstakes. We've been waiting and waiting. And then waiting some more. It's an interesting time for Twins fans. Most can't even agree on whether or not the Twins are playing to win in 2008. I wish it would just be over with so we could talk about the Twins chances. There's not much to say. All I know, is that I have been too wrapped up in this stuff.

Here's what I have learned from this off season so far:

- Hank Steinbrenner somehow sucks even more than his dad. But no one is sure how badly he sucks; and it all depends on the point of view. Non deals are just as important as deals. And by the way, how did the changing of the guard in the Yankees organization fly so far under the radar?

- The word "nearly" does not mean what you think it means.

- One can never pay too close attention to rumors. If they were true, they wouldn't be called rumors. Seriously. When they come true, it's cool - but that hardly ever happens. There has been about one thousand rumors about Santana, but next to no one saw the Marlins - Tigers trade...

- The Tigers will be good next season. They were second in the A.L. in runs scored last season, and look to be even better in '08. So how does this impact the Twins? I don't know, but it will be hard to win the division.

- How far away is April 2010? Someone do the math. It's farther than it seems. Delmon Young will be playing in the Metrodome next year. And the next. That's two seasons. That's depressing.

If anyone is near Nashville and wants to start some rumors. Print out the Official Alright Hamilton! Johan Santana Trade Rumor Mask. And walk into the Gaylord Opryland Hotel & Convention Center and start giving interviews.

If you want to start a rumor that he went to Boston, download this mask.

If you want to say Johan is playing for the Yankees download this mask.

Or if you want to say Santana is staying with the Twins, retiring from baseball or going to any of the other 26 teams that can't afford him, download this mask.

Just Trade Him Already

I don't even know what to do anymore. If my employer knew how often I have been checking a diverse mix of mlbtraderumors.com, ESPN Blog, SI.com and Google News Search for "Santana Trade", I'd probably have been asked to leave by lunch.

I want as much as the next Minnesota fan, for the Twins to come away with, Lester, Ellsbury, Hughes, Melky, Wright, and Reyes for Santana in some kind of 3 team, 7 player deal. But it's probably not going to happen.

Let's just trade him straight up for a low level pitching prospect and some cash. We can turn anyone into a 2 (shoulda been 3) time Cy Young winner no problem. Liriano can help, he's pretty good.

I am just sick of waiting and I want to imagine some new players in the Blue, Red and White.

I'm joking... Keep holding out, let's get everything we can out of these rich bastards.

The Santana Clause

I think most of us were hoping there was going to be some bigger news at this point and we couls start speculating next years lineup, but it looks like the Santana Trade options with the Yankees have slowed down, possibly to a complete stop.

Hank is saying as far as any deal with the Yankee's "It's probably off".

Here is a quick question, if the Yankees are the Evil Empire, doe that make George Steinbrenner, Darth Vader? And then would that make Hank Steinbrenner, Darth Vader's son?Thus making him Luke Skywalker? Sorry, the picture of the day had me thinking about Star Wars. But I digress.

However, from what I can find on the interwebs it looks like a Red Sox deal is more likely. Curt Shilling badly wants Johan for the Red Sox, can you blame him?

The Boston Globe reported Twins and Boston ended their talks last night around 2am ET, but that a deal appears "close". According to the source it looks like the deal would be, pitcher Jon Lester, center fielder Coco Crisp, pitcher Justin Masterson and infielder Jed Lowrie.

Jayson Stark and La Velle E. Neal III have the same list of players so this is looking like it might be true.



Not a horrible trade but still not what I was looking for. Essentially I want nothing to do with Coco. But that's just my opinion what's yours?

All Things Considered, This Is Fun

By M. Haas

Johan Santana is a great pitcher. We have watched him turn from a young unheralded long inning reliever into a dominating starter. I don't think you realize how good he is. He should have three Cy Young awards. I won't go into why he has been so good, Jason Stark just did that the other day, but just trust me - he's better than you think. And the best part is, he has pitched his whole career in Minnesota. He's the best pitcher on the planet, and he's ours. So one would think that I would be sad during all this trade talk. Well I am, but this whole situation is actually pretty fun.


It's fun because we have the Yankees and the Red Sox fighting against each other. We are demanding their best young players, and actually getting them. Yankee fans do not want to part with Phil Hughes. Red Sox fans do not want to part with Jacoby Ellsbury. Dude, it's awesome. The Yankees and Red Sox would much rather wait for Santana to hit the open market, but feel compelled to beat each other by offering the Twins their best prospects. There are headlines like, "Baseball Waits For The Twins," and "The Twins will not compromise." And people are writing things like, "The Yanks are apparently holding out on (sending a good low minors prospect), trying to retain some dignity." It's just hilarious; Yankee fans are all up in arms about this.

The other thing is, these players the Twins could get are good. Phil Hughes is a good pitcher. Jake Ellsbury is good at playing baseball. The Twins are going to get one of these two players. I am excited to see what they can do. And you have to admit, there is a chance that the 2008 team could be better than the 2007 team.

Who knew getting rid of the best pitcher on the planet could be this fun?
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