You Can't Write Good Songs Because You're Over the Hill

Tupac was shot dead at age 25. Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly and Jim Morrison all died when they were just 27. By the time The Beatles hit 30, they were disbanded. Like baseball players, it seems musicians and song writers have usually peaked when they enter their 30's.

The below list is the top ten songs of all time, according to a Rolling Stone story done in 2004 which polled 172 musicians, critics, and music-industry figures. I've added the ages of the artists when they wrote each song.

Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan - 24 years old
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - Rolling Stones (Jagger/Richards) - 21 years old
Imagine - John Lennon - 30 years old
What's Goin On - Marvin Gaye - 32 years old
Respect - Otis Redding - 24 years old (made famous by Aretha Franklin when she was 25)
Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys - Brian Wilson - 24 years old
Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry - 29 years old
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana - Kurt Cobain - 24 years old
What'd I Say - Ray Charles - 28 years old

Obviously, this is a small sample size and the ten songs are pretty arbitrary, (Nirvana?) but it supports my argument. The average age of the songwriter on this list is just 23.6 years old. To put it another way, the average age of the songwriter on this list is just 23.6 years old. To me, that's wild and crazy, kids. Can you think of another career you can master at that age? Exotic dancing? Track and field? That's all I can think of.

It's hard to understand why no one makes relevant music past their 20's. Anyone who does has probably already broken through and will never make another record or song as good as the one that made them famous. Bob Dylan has had a wonderful and long career, and made plenty of great albums past the age of 30. (Desire, Blood on the Tracks, Infidels, Time Out of Mind.) But in the three year period from 1963 to his 25th birthday in 1966, Dylan released six great albums (some better than others - Freewheelin', Times They Are a-Changin', Another Side, Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited, Blonde on Blonde.)


It's fair to say that teenagers and 20-somethings drive the music industry, so it's understandable that no artists in their 30's ever really break into the charts. Now that I'm 27, it's funny to listen to a 25-year-old Prince sing When Doves Cry or a 26-year-old Slash play the opening chords of Night Train. So when you're in your 20's, climbing the ladder of your industry, feeling like a kid, just remember that most famous musicians had mastered their craft and were living an unbelievable lifestyle at that very age.

Jumping on the complain train

The Twins are on pace to win more than 95 games this season, but that doesn't stop the media and fans from complaining about the team. The high level of interest and big expectations seem to be causing many reactionary worries about the lack of a Jon Rauch out-pitch and Mauer's power outage.

Here's my only baseball-related criticism I have is this: The games on the west coast start too late. As I write this, it's 10:45pm and the Twins-Mariners game is in the 5th inning. I've never understood why they begin their games at 9pm in Seattle, Anaheim and Oakland. Don't those people have jobs they need to wake up for?

GB Leighton makes Twins fans blush in embarrassment

Have you seen this? The Twins have inexplicably allowed their good name to be put to music. Awful music. It looks like their television partner, FSNorth, needed some rousing tune they could play before the game and during advertisements. They probably thought they wanted something raw, original, and exciting. So where did they go to find this next great sports rock anthem?

The suburbs. Not the band, the place. FSNorth are a bunch of suits looking to make a buck off some music, so why would they investigate the seedy underbelly of the Minneapolis music scene to find something actually good? Instead, they turned to GB Leighton, whose most famous tune is 651-488-8888 (Pizza Hut Delivery Is Really Great.) With a hit single like that with amazingly wide airplay, this seemed like a sure thing.

The suits must have been ecstatic when they first read these lyrics, which GB probably wrote while shopping at the Galleria in Edina.

We got baseball outside
Minnesota Pride
Target Field bring on the heat
Twins are the team to beat

Duluth, St. Paul, Rochester, Minneapolis
Are you ready? Get Ready.

This is where we start the World Series story
this is Twins Territory

Bring on Mauer and Morneau
the fans are ready to go
Dick and Bert on every call
they're gonna circle em all
Brainerd, St Cloud, Winona, hey Dakotas

Are you ready? Get ready.
This is now our time to shine in the glory
Fox Sports is Twins Territory

This is how we start the World Series story
This is Twins Territory

As Bert Blyleven would say, that's a Grammy-type tune. It's Very Serious.

[Watch the music video HERE ]

If the Twins win the World Series this year, I know I'll be telling the story to my kids someday. And how will I start that story? By explaining that GB Leighton kicked it off by singing a very clutch and inspiring tune at the beginning of the season.

But whatayagonnado? It seems like no one can write a song for a professional sports team and get away with it (besides The Hold Steady). Prince's fight song for the Vikings was decidedly awful, but at least it wasn't completely bland and cliche. I would take that over "Twins Territory."

Amazingly, this song falls somewhere in the middle of pro sports songs. Because nothing will ever be as bad as this:

Scott Stapp Makes the Marlins Suck More - watch more funny videos

Agree with our anti- GB Leighton stance? Join this Facebook group!

The Finest Anti-Twins Column You'll Read Today

This blog generally takes a rather pessimistic view of the Twins. After Alexi Casilla ripped a single off Fernando Rodney in game 163, most of us knew they'd get swept by the Yankees. We like to rip on Nick Punto, chide Delmon Young and question Pat Neshek's diet. Very negative indeed. Heck, I even managed to spend half an article complaining about trivial things in an article about the lovely Target Field.

But most Twins fans and the guys here at Alright Hamilton aren't as bad as the local media. Specifically Dan Barriero. He loves to rip the Twins for not spending money and not "going for it" when they have a chance at a title. Which is fine, I guess. At least he provides something different than all the Star Tribune's homers.

Barriero is maddeningly cynical, but last spring I was ready to join him. Let me paint a picture of how I felt: The Twins hadn't won a division title since 2006. The 2007 squad severely underperformed, finishing with their first losing season since 2000. That set the stage for Torii Hunter to bolt for Anaheim and a Johan Santana trade. Losing two players of that magnitude because we didn't have the cash to pay them sure made that classic Minnesota inferiority complex flare up. Payroll was way down; from about $71 million in 2007 and leveling off at about $65 million in 2008 and 2009.

It seemed like a racket. The Twins were moving into a new taxpayer funded ballpark, screaming towards large wads of cash, and they were slashing payroll while shedding all-stars. It definitely seemed like a racket.

Needless to say, it didn't turn out badly. The payroll is nearly $100 million dollars even without the mega Mauer contract on the books. Ownership is clearly committed to winning instead of lining their pockets with fat stacks of Target Field provided cash. Best of all - the Twins can actually afford to keep their good players.

The point is this: We are very, very lucky to be Twins fans.

Want proof?

Read this brilliantly written and hilarious piece of writing from an Indians fan. He hates the Twins. It's not immature or mean, it speaks more of an exhausted hatred of loathing and jealousy.
(hat tip to No Smoking In the Metrodome)

The whole thing is great, but this is the most relevant line for our discussion:

Everything good always happens to the Twins! That's why I hate them!

Doesn't that brighten your day?

O-Hud, D-Span, N-Punt and Lame Nicknames

I propose a new nickname for Denard Span: Every Inning. Denard 'Every Inning' Span. It's not a great nickname, but it's better than Span-Man or D-Span. Remember when baseball players had cool nicknames, like Oil Can and Rhubarb Fingers? Those were the days. Now nicknames are either a Chris Berman wordplay or the old, "first initial first name, first syllable last name" thing.

Who's our Governor?
T-Paw.

Who's the backup quarterback?
T-Jack.

Who did the Twins acquire to play shortstop last season?
O-Cab.

Who was that basketball player who released a rap album?
T-Hud.

Who did the Twins sign to play second base last week?
O-Hud.

Give me a break. Orlando Hudson already has a nickname - O-Dog. It's not original or fun, but it's better than O-Hud.

The reason I say Denard Span should be nicknamed "every inning" is that.... you guessed it. He's going to have to play every inning of the 2010 season in centerfield. The Twins have four outfielders including Denard, but the rest of them are natural right-fielders. (Kubel, Cuddyer, Young.)

There's no one else on the roster with any major league experience in center. Except for...

Nick Punto, Super-Utility.

That should just about wrap it up for today. That'll get us thinking about Nick Punto and his various roles and nicknames for tomorrow... NICK PUNTO DAY.

Who is Danny Valencia?

When discussing the options the Twins have at third base, the conversation usually begins with Matt Tolbert, Brendan Harris or Nick Punto and then progresses to Melvin Mora or Joe Crede. Puuuke. Luckily, the conversation always ends with one name: Danny Valencia.

Any potential opening day third baseman is consistently referred to as a "placeholder" for Valencia. Who cares who's playing third base, he'll only be around until the great Danny Valencia is done being seasoned at Rochester. Every time. And it's kind of annoying actually. It's just like how any Star Wars article or news item will have a comment section with a mention of Han Solo shooting Greedo.

When George Lucas was digitally messing with the original Star Wars trilogy for re-release in 1997, he made some slight changes. Remember when Jabbas' goon Greedo confronts Han Solo about some late payments and tries to blow his head off? Luckily for Han, Greedo misses and he's able to shoot him under the table. This is different from the original 1977 version, when the swashbuckling Han kills Greedo before he even thinks about firing.

I agree with most Star Wars fans that Hans' preemptive killing of the goon was key to his character development. Keep in mind that he had been introduced only moments before, and had only been talking shop with Luke and Obi-Wan. Han's drama sequence should definitely portray him as a shoot-first, rogue badass scoundrel smuggler; instead of some dork in a vest who just allowed a green guy to get the drop on him.



There isn't really another side to the argument. No one is disagreeing. That's why it's so confusing to see this statement sprinkled across the internet "HAN SHOT FIRST" han shot first. Han shot First!

Oh sure, it's an undeniable example of how crazy old George Lucas is corrupting the franchise. It's like saying, "I know more about your movie than you do - and it's your movie." Well congratulations, because the phrase has officially been done to death.

Every corner of the internet where anything Star Wars is discussable, someone says, "yeah, but who shot first?" knowing full well someone will respond with "Han" or even this picture of George Lucas wearing a 'Han Shot First' tee shirt. If someone answered facetiously with, "greedo," they'd probably get torn apart because they take this thing is taken Very Seriously.

Anyway, I think Danny Valencia is pretty good. He's 25 years old with an above average glove and gets on base at a pretty good clip. But he probably won't make the all-star team. Ever. And if he found himself in a dark cantina, some green doofus would probably turn him into bantha fodder before he could even unholster his blaster.

Dear Minnesota Twins: You're Bad

I felt the need to write you because it seems like some members of the team still think you're a decent ball club. I didn't know who else would break the news. It's a difficult thing to put into words, but here it goes:

you're bad.

This type of bad is hard to explain. It's certainly not a good bad, like Michael Jackson. It's a bad bad, like Michael Jackson's prescription drugs - you're killing me. One week ago, I actually had a desire to sit in the Metrodome and watch you guys play baseball. Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wasn't busy, if I'd come over and help him sort socks. And I agreed.

Do you guys really think you're still good? You say you're battling your tail off, but it doesn't seem that way. And even if greenies were still legal and you gave a 100% percent effort every game, you still wouldn't be good. Some are more bad than others, but believe me, your team is bad.

Even if the suits upstairs would have grabbed Roy Halladay and Freddy Sanchez, you'd still be bad.

You'd like to say that Detroit and Chicago have great teams.
They don't.

You'd like to say you're banged up.
You're not.

You'd like to say you're out there battling.
You're not.

You'd like to think you're a better team than this.
You're not.

Do you even know how many teams there are in Major League Baseball? There are like, 30, and there are only a few teams that are worse than you. You probably couldn't play for most of the other 29 teams in the league, because you're bad. If your team switched to triple-A ball, you'd only be a little less bad. You've actually lost more games than you've won. You're badness is making Billy Smith look even badder and it's making Joe Mauer want to leave.

I only tell you this because I imagine you butting your jersey, thinking to yourself, "hey, we've got a real chance to win!" That attitude falls upon the restless hoardes of Twins fans - "hey, we've got a real chance to win!" Just stop it. Save us the heartache. Don't button your jersey like that anymore. Let's see a frown.

So for my mental health, and your own, I'll say it again:

You're bad.

Creative Wedding Intro (if you're in 4th grade)

I like originality. I appreciate creativity. Unexpected surprises are fun. However, when the creative, original and unexpected phenomenon involves the use of aggressive auto-tune.

I'm talking about the video that has blown up in the past couple days, especially in these parts since it happened in St. Paul. Apparently, it stirs positive emotions deep within the soul of the viewer. Just read this description from a marketing blog:

Watch it. You might cry. You may get up and dance. You may break into instantaneous giggle fits. You may even be slightly horrified. But while you’re watching and tapping your feet, notice the look in the attendees’ eyes. Hear their laughs. Look at the faces of the bride and everyone else involved. Feel what’s happening in that room.

That’s what happens when you do something people aren’t expecting. When you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the pomp and circumstance of it all. When you finally stop taking yourself so seriously. When you embrace the moment, remember what life used to feel like and go for it.

Hey, that's building some pretty lofty expectations for a youtube video. Let's watch:





Let me compose myself for a second. I have something in my eye. Not.

Sunglasses. Indoors. A top 40 dance club anthem with auto-tuned vocals. Really terrible dancing. I'm embarrassed. This is something high school students would come up with.

If dancing badly to bad music while wearing bad sunglasses gets you an appearance on the Today Show, the producers should check out Brothers or Drink on Thursday night. They'd have guests for life.

It's not actually that terrible of a video, but I'm just struggling to see how this thing went viral, and is changing people's lives. The aforementioned blog description is one example, along with some comments on the youtube site:

WOW WOW WOW! I actually got up and danced around the bedroom in my underwear. LOL You guys rock and thank you so much for the laugh. You put a smile on so many people's face by posting this. Thumbs Up!!!!! And to think when I watched this is was feeling down and kind of Blah. :)


OMG I cried so hard! That was so amazing, I love it!!

Get a life, folks.

Its been long enough

We are far enough from it now to know, our hometown 9 got nothing of great value for the best pitcher in the league. Last January, as you all know Johan Santana was traded to the Metropolitans for a handful of prospects. Carlos Gomez, Phillip Humber, Kevin Mulvey and Deolis Guerra.

Everyone was fairly high on Gomez at this point last season. He was streaky and stuck out too much, but everyone was convinced he would outgrow that. Instead he steady gone backwards. His defense is outstanding, and can steal a base whenever he gets on base. But, he doesn't get on base, ever! Hopefully now that his wife has popped out a new baby he can relax. But, I have a feeling that "relax" isn't in this kids vocabulary. The thought was he was going to be the answer in center field with Torii Hunter, but I am convinced if the club breaks camp with Denard Span in the leadoff/CF spot, the team has another Central Division banner hanging from the Teflon roof.

The twins came north from Florida with Humber this year, but he couldn't get anyone out up in the show so he was send down to Rochester after only 4 appearances. To make room for Juan Morillo, they are teammates now in New York. Since he was demoted he has been pitching much better with opponents only batting .120 off him in 2 appearances.

Kevin Mulvey started the year in AAA and had a couple not so great starts, but has turned in 3 fair performances in a row. He wont be great, but scouts seem to think he'll be an ok big league pitcher someday. Nothing spectacular, but a solid back of the rotation starter. the one problem I see is that he has only gone past the 5th inning once, and hasn't gotten into the 6th yet. The other Red Wing starters have all gone 7 at least once. He does lead the team in strike outs and has an ERA under 3. But if he can't get you the innings maybe he could be solid bull pen guy.

The real question mark is Deolis Guerra, the phenom from Venezuela. He is still only 19 and in his 3rd year of professional baseball. But his ERA has gone up, and his K's have gone down every year. And he hasn't been promoted above A ball, so that means he's getting worse. There is something about this kid though, his stats aren't very good, but he wins ball games. Last year he had an ERA just under 5.5 and still won 11 games in 24 starts.

I'm not second guessing Billy Smith's decision here. Were better packages offered? If you believe the hype then yes. But I wasn't privy to the negotiations so I really have no idea. I am not saying that these cats wont be able to become very productive major leaguers someday either. I am just disappointed that the Twins are close to being the team to beat, and if we are able to get any production from one of these guy it would push us over the top. But I don't plan on holding my breath for that. As of right now the team to beat in the central is KC, and that is just disgusting.

Why I hate Alan "Bud" Selig

by T.F.R.

"Commissioner Bud Selig is as earnest as a car salesman or a Cubs fan - at one time he was both" The conscience of Baseball by Larry Moffi.

Last night the Phillies won their second World Series in franchise history, and first in almost three decades. With the exception of the Phil's inability to move runners and a few defensive gaffs, it was a well played and entertaining series. But it almost became one of the biggest embarrassments in the long history of the game.

Or so we thought, when in the top of the 6th with the Rays down a run, rain poured and the wind howled, conditions which should have halted the game at least an inning earlier. With the game already official, the umpires kept the teams on the field when conditions were unsafe, giving the Rays the most chances to score and keep their hopes alive.

What no one seemed to know is that Commissioner Bud Selig had decided, that no matter what the weather, the rules would be bent and the game would go to completion. The problem was, he only told the owners this - he neglected to pass the information on to managers, players, umpires, FOX and the fans. This complete breakdown in communication resulted in players on the field risking injury, umpires who knew it wasn't their place to decide the fate of the World Series and fans who looked just miserable. While I applaud Seligs approach to suspend an official game despite the score, I find it despicable that no one was made aware of it before hand. This is just one travesty of the game that Bud has presided over.

In the past, commissioners were elected to expand and improve the game. There have been those on the sides of the players: Happy Chandler, despite a unanimous vote against, upheld the integration of Baseball, Bowie Kent Kuhn who upheld arbitration and free agency, Ford Frick, who took millions of dollars that would have otherwise gone to owners and created the pension fund.

And there have been those on the side of the owners; General William Eckert, a career military man with a business degree, who had never played a day of baseball in his life, *Peter Ueberroth, another business man who lined the owners pockets with millions of dollars from TV deals. Kennesaw Mountain Landis a man who was brought in for the specific purpose to clean up baseball, and our own Alan H. Selig.

Bud is the ninth Commissioner of baseball, the first to be promoted from within the owners fraternity. This is a man who cares nothing for the fans or the players, as an owner he has only one thing on his mind: Rape and pillage to make as much money as you can before you die so you can be buried with it. Much like our friend Mr. Pohlad. Never before had a commissioner been tied financially to a team. He had to step down as president and CEO of the Brewers, and was forced to sell the team when his status was changed from acting commish to just plain commish. But from the time he began tenure to when he finally sold the team, his stock prices rose, making him millions of dollars on top of his ridiculous $14.5 million salary.

The majority of his tenure has been riddled with embarrassment, the '94 players strike, the umpire strike, the tied all-star game, that steroid scandal, and most notably for those who read this blog: contraction. There have also been parts of the game I personally don't like but some seem to enjoy: Interleage play, unbalanced schedule (its good to a point, but why play one team 7 times in April and be done with them for the season?) and the World Baseball Classic. Though, I must admit through gritted teeth that I do enjoy the three division and wild card set-up.

Despite all of this, I believe Selig will be remembered as a great leader of baseball, who guided it through a renaissance of sorts. Teams are making money and people are going to the ballpark like never before, despite the absorbently high ticket costs and the influx of revenue generated by publicly financed stadiums. Which he helped little to build.

*I only put Peter Ueberroth on the owners side because the Twins don't put that money to good use. He was actually a good commissioner and during his tenure every team in the league made money.

Not Making Friends Today

This opinion is mine and mine alone. This opinion in no way reflects the opinions of the other people that contribute to AH!

It seems there are two types of Twins blogs these days. There are ones like Gleeman, SethSpeaks, TwinkieTown and Nick and Nick. They tend to use statistics and other (some times) conventional wisdom to discuss the current issues the ball club is facing. Gleeman sometimes adds his love for crappy pop music and the women that grace Maxim and FHM covers. But whatever.

Then there are the blogs that focus on the cuteness and rear ends of the Minnesota nine. It's Those Girls, Lipgloss, OMG and Twin Sisters tend to fall into this category.

Now many of you are probably wondering what my point is. Well, I am glad you asked. Here is the point: These two types of blogs have been at odds for most of the season. Maybe not overtly but believe me it's been going on for a while.

The first group (both writers and commenters) tend to write about ideas and moves that they think would help the Twins. While, the second group of blogs have been saying all of the first group's posts and comments are all doom and gloom. Both groups like the Minnesota Twins, I would even go as far as say they are fans of the Minnesota Twins. But they're two distinct groups, one looksat statistics, history and other factors and hypothesizing as to how to improve the Twins chances of succeeding in the future. The other likes to talk about the Twins in the past, or at least the present for the most part.

Typical responses to the same issues:
First Group: Livan Hernandez should be out of the rotation. His ERA is 5.31 and his WHIP is 1.60.
Second Group: But he has 10 wins.

First Group: Carlos Gomez is not a good lead off hitter when gets on base less than 29% of the time.
Second Group: But he is so fast.

First Group: (Before he learned to hit) Punto shouldn't be an everyday starter.
Second Group: But he is so good at defense.

My point isn't that either group is right or wrong and I find both types of blogs to be entertaining and I read all of them daily (or as often as they post). But my issue is of late, that the second group of blogs and people like them often complain that the first group aren't Twins Fans. Because they don't agree/like everything the Twins do, that means they are not true fans. Part of being a fan (even though it's not directly expressed in any definition) is always thinking you could do a better job at running the team. Some of the best fans live and die by the decisions their team makes and they always have an opinion. And that's what makes being a.... ah, shit. I should probably stop before I piss off any more people.

If you are wondering, this is what inspired me to write this.

Any complaints or compliments in the comments section would be appreciated.

Somewhat Subdued March Madness

By TwinsWin83


HOLY CRAP IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN SPORTS FANS!!!!!!!!! You know, the time of year when every sportscaster in North America freaks out and mentions every night for about a month how this is their favorite time of the sports year. I mean common,' you’ve got the high school tournaments, which include basketball, hockey and wrestling. On top of that the NBA and NHL seasons are finally winding down and the playoff push is on. Not to mention the biggest reason for all the hoopla, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is about to start.

So is this really the best time of the sports year? I should be freaking out along with the rest of them if I knew what was good for me as a sports fan, right? Then why is March 31st the only real date I have circled on my calendar this month? Well, I’ll tell you why.


The High School Tournaments in Minnesota are fun to watch but predictable. In hockey a private school is going to win the big school class tournament and probably the small one as well, unless some tiny town from up north that we’ve barely heard of can pull one out. Solution: Create a whole new class system for hockey, one class for public schools and one for private. I know a lot of people will disagree with this system but hear me out. After each tournament the private school winner and the public school winner could play each other in one final state title game. That would be cool and maybe it would do away with all the people that have been complaing for the past 15 years about the tourney spliting into two classes.

In basketball the winner of the big school class will more than likely be a giant school like Hopkins or Tartan from the northern part of the cities that I not only don’t care about but generally dislike because of their size. Class 3A might be interesting every other year but the other two classes usualy involve teams with too many towns hyphenated together to understand. So that means there are four classes in Minnesota High School Basketball, and more specifically four state champions. That’s too many. The tournament should be broken down into two classes and have an opening-round field of 16 teams in each class. That would not only make the tournament more competitive but also more interesting to watch.

As for wrestling….I have no idea. I guess maybe they could shut down Apple Valley High School and then it would be wide-open for everyone else.

When it comes to the NHL and NBA I’m not really sure how this is a great time of year for its fans unless the team you cheer for is in the midst of the playoff chase. In Minnesota we have a bit of both worlds as our NBA team is just starting to climb out the dark hole they’ve been in all season but are still light years removed from the playoff picture. The Wild are in the middle of a ridiculously close race for not only the playoffs but also the teams’ first division title. With nine games to go in the regular season I guess you could say March is a ‘crazy’ time for them and their fans, but it’s not quite ‘mad’ because lets face it, aside from Canadians, Minnesotans and very select few on the east coast, no one really cares about NHL hockey. Which in itself is entirely too bad and an entirely seperate article topic.

Now we come to the real culprit for the overuse of the phrase ‘March Madness,’ the NCAA basketball tournament. I will admit that the opening round of this thing can be fun to watch with so many games crammed into two nights, but aside from maybe a couple first and second round upsets this thing tends to follow a general pattern after that. I know right now your thinking, “Well, what about George Mason dude,” but hold on a minute.

George Mason was a complete aberration and it’s not like they won the national title, they just made it to the Final Four. Even though there tend to be a couple upsets in the first round or two, the Cinderella’s are quickly weeded out after that and the powerhouses take over as the same 8-10 programs find themselves playing for the title year in and year out. That is why I'm cheering for Memphis this year, because look at the other number one seeds, Kansas, UCLA and North Carolina. Same old, same old. My other qualm with this tournament is that I never even finish in the top half of any tourney pool I enter. You would think with as much insight as I have into the general workings of this thing that I would fair better, but you would be wrong.

Probably the other reason I think I’m not hip to the whole March Madness thing is that the Major League season doesn’t typically begin until April. But thanks to an odd calendar year and Bud’s plan to have MLB open in a different foreign country each year, the 2008 season will begin in March. So, I guess for at least one year I can say….HOLY CRAP IT’S MARCH, MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR!!!

Canadian Music is Mediocre At Best

By Michael Haas

Have you ever been listening to the radio and a song comes on, and you think, 'Damn, this song kinda sucks.' Chances are good that the song you heard was Canadian.

Many people don't even know which bands come from Canada and which ones don't. But once you put some of them together, you start to see and hear some common themes - and those themes all suck. BTO (Let It Ride, Takin' Care of Business) Steppenwolf (Born to be Wild, Magic Carpet Ride) The Guess Who (American Woman, No Sugar Tonight) Rush (Working Man, Tom Sawyer) Bryan Adams (Summer of '69, Run to You)

See what I mean? Using just those four bands, one could start a crappy cookie-cutter classic rock radio station. And if you threw in Americans Bob Seger and John Mellencamp, you'd really have something.

Even new bands like Nickelback suck. Nickelback does not even deserve to be mentioned on this fine website. If an American band was named Nickelback, the American band would be stronger. It's science. (one Canadian nickel = 0.04752 U.S. Dollar)

So without further ado, I present the top ten Canadian songs of all-time. (excluding Neil Young, since this list would be almost all Neil Young songs.)

10. Celine Dion - It's All Coming Back To Me Now
9. Tom Cochrane - Life is a Highway
8. Steppenwolf - Born to be Wild
7. Alanis Morissette - One Hand in my Pocket
6. Gordon Lightfoot - Sundown
5. Trooper - We're Here For a Good Time
4. The Band - Up on Cripple Creek
3. Bare Naked Ladies - One Week
2. The Band - The Weight
1. Gordon Lightfoot - Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald


ah, shoot. No room for Workin' for the Weekend by Loverboy.

'This One Time, At Band Camp'

By Tony F. Rezac

That damn phrase from American Pie was so over used by our generations during our younger more naive days, that it rivaled "knock-knock" as the start to the most jokes.

About a month ago I watched Van Wilder for the first time in a couple years and I was very disappointed. But I wasn't worried because it was on in the background and I wasn't paying close attention to it. Then, I received a care package full of movies, and one of those movies happened to be "American Pie." Logically I was excited because I remembered this movie to be absolutely hilarious the last time I saw it - which was about 5 years ago. I took a moment to think after I was finished watching it, and I was shocked when I realized that I did not laugh one time. Have we grown up so quickly that the "childish" humor demonstrated in those kind of films has lost all of it's appeal? Have fart jokes and tits become an old hat? Or is there some bigger problem with teen comedies today? Let’s discuss further, shall we?

How will "teen angst" movies of our generation be remembered? Not well, I'm afraid. American Pie, Van Wilder, Can't Hardly Wait, She's All That, the list goes on and on. They all suck, they were all cookie cutter scripts, starring some dude you never saw again and some good looking broad that ended up in rehab. They offer up some cheap laughs for sure, but once you watch it once you've seen it one time too many. How is it that I can relate more to movies that were made before I knew what foreplay meant or what a joint was, but I can't even sit through movies that were made specifically for my demographic?

I know the 80's were the golden age, when the brat pack ruled the roost, for teen drama and comedy. But the 70's released some pretty good movies with staying power also. Most happen to star John Travolta but they are still good movies - Grease, Saturday Night Fever, American Graffiti just to name a few.

Is the acting pool shallower than ever before? Or is it that the crop of writers in Hollywood has dried up? When I say the acting pool is shallow, I only need to mention one name Tara Reid, she was smokin' hot in both American Pie and Van Wilder. But anyone who caught her show on E! "Taradise" knows what I'm talking about. And its obvious writers are plain running out of ideas - when was the last time an original idea became a blockbuster? Everything is a re-make, or an adaptation from a book or tv.

I hate how the one great movie about teenage life made in the 90's, takes place in the 70's, "Dazed and Confused."

If I'm wrong here please comment and tell me, I have racked my brain trying to think of more good movies from our generation, and I can't come up with one. And the internet is no help, when I search for teen movies or anything along those lines all that pops up is porno. Which is nice, but not what I'm looking for.

Softball: Surrounded by Losers

By Pat McCarthy

On Tuesday while participating in the typical co-ed slacker beer league softball game and duffing the ball twice, booting the ball so often you'd think it was soccer and overall sucking at softball, I came up to bat to redeem myself. Somehow we were only down two runs in the bottom of the fifth and decided I should do what I could to cut that in half.

While approaching the plate as a lefty and hearing the familiar "Hook!" (which in itself is inexplicable - Hook? Huh? How? I am not being followed around by a bumbling pirate named and afraid of crocodiles and/or ticking clocks. No, I am not going to bust out a harmonica and miraculously put on 200 pounds to be a mid-90s John Popper and sign the Blues Traveler hit by that name (although it'd be sweet, and I fully endorse the song about absolutely nothing) Anyway, Lefty I can understand, but anyone even remotely paying attention can see that I'm batting from the opposite side of the plate as the majority of humanity. No one yells Crook or something equally non-sequitorish when a Righty comes up to bat or gives the Barry Bonds shift.) I decided, you know what, screw it, I've been sucking at hitting, the entire state of Minnesota is on the right side of the field, I'll bat right handed and see if I can hit it where they ain't. Of course the opposing team, being the adept students of the game, now proceed to walk their entire team to the left side of the field. Not being much of a right handed hitter, I decide I'll take my chances left-handed, what with it being my natural side of the plate and it being a couple steps closer to first base and all.

The umpire then calls time and tells me that I'm making a farce of the game. I inquire rather politely, considering the situation, how I am doing so by moving two feet in a legal manner. He responds that in his infinitely wise opinion I am making a farce of the game. I laugh, shrug my shoulders and somehow bite my tongue to prevent the following stream from rolling off my tongue: "I'm making a farce of the game? Did you look in the mirror before you came? You with your aged, distending gut that prevents you from bending down to clean the plate are not making a travishamockery of the game? Have you seen the guy on the other team who is single-handedly keeping the clothing portion of the Iowa bookstore in the black? What about the other guy who was swinging two bats in the on-deck circle? Or the d-bag that needs a map to field a ball, but you would think he's playing for the World Series by his repeated vociferous updates on the number of outs and where the play should go? No, of course not, you, with your officially licensed American Softball Association are the last hope at protecting the sanctity of beer league softball.

I was half pissed and half amused at the absurdity of the situation and stepped back in the box and proceeded to hit a single to center field, perhaps a double if I was running hard out of the box; the ball rolled under the center fielder's glove and I continued around the bases, rounding third I was sure I was going to get tossed after trying to decide between either: Is that outfielding making a farce of the game?, or, Did my farce-making look as bad as your clock clipped between the buttons of your league issue polo?, but due to indecision or better discretion I said nothing as I crossed the plate. And I'm glad to because later in the game I was more prolific in my farcical skills after boning several routine plays to essentially lose us the game.

I was mildly upset after the game, I never like losing to douchebags, but a couple beers and a maxim that I learned a couple weeks prior: we may have lost the game, but the umpire and offending members of the opposing team will have to go through the rest of their respective lives a loser.

Espys Disappoint...

by Jeff H.

Once again, the Espy awards did not fail to meet my extremely low expectations for the event. Whether it be the overplayed under armor commercials, with 10 year old girls preparing for battle, or Lebron James hosting, the Espy awards are a complete joke. There are too many awards and too many egos. By the way, there is a new award this year, the “Hummer Like Nothing Else” award, and believe it or not there are four guys and only one girl nominated. I don’t know about you guys, but if I won the “Hummer Like Nothing Else” award, I would have trouble putting it up on the mantel.

I love watching the highlights of the great plays, but that is as far as it goes. The Espys bring too much attention to individuals in many team sports. Why not nominate the San Diego Chargers offensive line for an award? Instead of nominating Ladanian Tomlinson for six awards, let’s see how far he gets with no one blocking for him. Also, the Espys give some athletes chances to boost their already heightened egos. If I hear the name Lebron James one more time I might vomit. Lebron James and Paris Hilton might be the two most talked about people in this country, but at least Lebron has one talent. I won’t lie, I didn’t watch much of the Espys this year, but I knew exactly what to expect. Since I don’t own a television, it gave me an excuse to head to the bar on a Sunday afternoon (they played at 3 p.m. over here in Hawaii). I caught a little here and there between sips of my tasty booze drink, but here’s what I expect went on. I’m sure every single athlete started off their acceptance speeches by thanking God. I’m sure hummer, under armor and miller brewing dominated the commercial scene. I’m sure they had an Espy for just about every single category imaginable. I’m sure that there were idiot celebs in the crowd trying to get their face on tv, and I’m sure that it was very lame.

Espn just give me one ultimate highlight reel for the year, let’s leave the Espys out of it…..

Ya Know, I Don't Even Want One Anymore

By Pat McCarthy

Recently everything in my world was shaken. I was cruising through life, enjoying all things, especially things American, and I was basically told my entire life was a lie. Imagine a little child being told that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy don't exist, and that they were a mistake. It was like that. Times ten. What could induce such feelings of existential angst you ask? Dairy Queen now mass produces their Dilly Bars.

I was indescribably upset. I couldn't form words. This incident occurred about a week ago, and only now am I able to coherently form words to accurately describe my flabbergastment.

When did Dairy Queen's dilly bars become mass produced? What happened to the hand dipped, soft serve on a stick with a curly cue on front wrapped in a paper sack? I don't want a frozen hard plastic wrapped, uniform ice cream concoction. Did they do away with the hand-stamped free dilly message on the stick?

I could understand the Buster Bar, it's a difficult treat to make, and having them mass produced in plastic bags was better than having none at all. Then it extended to the Mint Chocolate Chip Dilly Bar, which was understandable because it had a different ice cream interior. But now, a Butterscotch Dilly Bar mass produced? I'll pay to make my own and screw it up royally. The Butterscotch even tastes differently, and not in a good way. I'm completely baffled.

Walking the block and a half with my family to the local Brazier is an unchanging memory from my childhood. I don't know if the attachment would be as strong if it was a sterile, consistently average ice cream treat. The fact that it was a quirky Dairy Queen, suited to the building, rather than a cookie cutter design that many of the new Dairy Queens are, only added to the attraction, but that's another story.

John Steinbeck in Travels With Charley (Charley is his dog), was confronted with the same thing over 40 years ago when traveling around the United States. He was disgusted by the middling of American cuisine. You can get the same thing anywhere, mass produced, wrapped in plastic to ensure the sterility. They will all taste the same, but they will be average, there will be no great food, nor no terrible food. This may be desirable for the producer, in this case Dairy Queen, to make something more predictable, but for the customer, or at least me, it makes the experience less enjoyable overall. This seems to be the general trend of the time, ensuring not failing rather than striving for success.

I want a handmade Dilly Bar, even if it means a few more germs on it. As George Carlin says in a more extreme example about swimming in the Hudson River: it's good for your immune system. I want to hear an interior "I Got a Golden Ticket" song when I get to the stick and see the free Dilly Bar. I want a soft ice cream interior, where I need to hurry to finish before it melts all over, not a rock hard ice cream brick, that you should thaw before you eat so you don't break your teeth.

Dairy Queen, we may be through, even though I still love your dipped cone. I can't trust that they will always be dipped when I order. They may be the next thing to be mass produced, wrapped in plastic and trucked in a refrigerated car to the local DQ. I will try to get over this, but I can't promise anything and it may take a long time. However, if you revert back to homemade Dilly Bars, Buster Bars and whatever else is now mass produced and shipped out and remarkably average, I will be the first one in line breaking down the door.

Ya Know What Grinds My Gears?

By Twinswin83

So often when I’m going about my daily life something either happens to me, around me or within my ear shot that is just utterly ridiculous or annoying. It’s times like these when I wish I had a tape recorder with me (ala Norm McDonald in Dirty Work) so that I could document all the little things that drive me nuts. Well, I don’t have a tape recorder, and since I’m busy saving up for a new adaptor cord for my Nintendo 64, I can’t really afford one right now.

That doesn’t mean I can’t rack my brain, however, and think up some items that I find irritating, baffling or just flat out infuriating about everyday life. Living in the upper Midwest where real problems in life are few and far between, it is the little and insignificant things we must dwell on in order to get some really good griping in. And since I’ve been raised as gold medal complainer this should be right up my alley. So with a shout out to Peter Griffin I’d like to introduce a new outlet for public venting called; Things That Grinds My Gears. Here’s a few starting topics:


-Dudes that clip their cell phones on the outside of their belt buckles.

-The fact that the last three Stanley Cup Champions come from Florida, North Carolina and California.

-Metal bats.

-Seasons 2, 3 and 4 of the O.C.

-The fact that they called it the “O.C.”

-Repeats of Twins games on FSN the day after they lose.

-The lack of Saved By the Bell reruns on basic cable.

-People that take forever in front of me at the drive thru ATM machine.

-When all you want is to make a really good turkey sandwich and you venture to the fridge only to find out that you’re all out of turkey. And cheese. And bread. And mayo.

-Canadians that do nothing but talk about how great Canada is.

-Canadians.

-Canada.

-People who don’t use T9word when texting.

-NFL Live on ESPN in April instead of Baseball Tonight

-Dice-K.

-Hotels that don’t have wireless internet.

-When Johan throws a gem and the Twins don’t score any runs.

-Highlights of Lynx basketball on the local news.

-People that drive in the right lane of the interstate/freeway with their blinker on.

-People who make fun of me in North Dakota when I call the interstate a freeway.

-The fact that people in Japan get to vote for the MLB all-star game.

-“Head-On” commercials.

-People who really don’t have anything to complain about but continuously bitch about meaningless stuff anyways.

Faribault Is At It Again

By M. Haas

Recently, I picked up a copy of the Faribault Daily News and saw the following front page headline

How Faribault Stopped a Gang of Outlaws

And it had a big picture of some cowboys riding through downtown Northfield. It just about blew my mind. I thought to myself, 'I could've sworn that Jesse James and his gang of outlaws attempted to rob a bank in Northfield on September 7th, 1876, and that it was Northfield's heroic residents who wouldn't open the safe and shot most of the gang outside on the street' That's what I thought. Could I have been wrong all these years?

Perplexed and curious, I read on:
Members of the James/Younger gang may have robbed the bank in Northfield, but justice came to half of them at the hands of Faribault residents.

Ohhhhhhh, okay. So by "stopped a gang of outlaws" you mean dealing out justice to half the gang. I should have understood that.

The story of the raid is often connected simply and specifically to Northfield, since that is where the shoot-out that took four lives occurred. But the story of the buildup to the raid and its aftermath is far more complicated and includes several former members of Faribault

The article goes on to say how the town of Faribault received news of the attempted robbery, and started up a posse to go after the remaining members of the gang. The next part of the story took me a second to understand.

According to local historian Chip DeMann, 'the Faribault posse arrived in Shieldsville (10 miles west of Faribault) hot on the trail of the six remaining members of the gang. They went into the Saloon to wet their whistles and left their guns in the buggy. Within minutes, the (outlaws) showed up.'

The Faribault newspaper of the day describes the events:
The robbers, as they rode by Hanlin's hotel, where they had stopped one night before, asked Hanlin's son what team that was and how long it had been there. He answered that it was a Faribault team and had arrived about five minutes before. One of the party then said, 'They are after us; let's smash their guns.'
"They rode up to the wagon and one took hold of a gun. The young men came to the door, and one attempted to take his gun. The robbers pointed their revolvers and told them to get back in the house, which they proceeded to do."

...Huh?

Lets think about this for a moment...


Ohhhh, okay. So by "stopped a gang of outlaws" you mean chasing after them for 10 miles, then stopping for a drink and getting your guns stolen. I get it now.

So Faribault's contact with the James/Younger gang amounted to this:

- they slept in towns outside of Faribault
- Two members spent about two months in the jail there
- a guard was shot and killed by another guard at the jail, thinking someone was trying to spring the prisoners
- a posse attempted to chase the outlaws but got drunk instead

And to top it all off, in Tuesday's edition of the Daily News they had a 'question of the day' that one could cast a vote online.

Q: Who has the better Jesse James story - Northfield or Faribault?