Dear Minnesota Twins: You're Bad

I felt the need to write you because it seems like some members of the team still think you're a decent ball club. I didn't know who else would break the news. It's a difficult thing to put into words, but here it goes:

you're bad.

This type of bad is hard to explain. It's certainly not a good bad, like Michael Jackson. It's a bad bad, like Michael Jackson's prescription drugs - you're killing me. One week ago, I actually had a desire to sit in the Metrodome and watch you guys play baseball. Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wasn't busy, if I'd come over and help him sort socks. And I agreed.

Do you guys really think you're still good? You say you're battling your tail off, but it doesn't seem that way. And even if greenies were still legal and you gave a 100% percent effort every game, you still wouldn't be good. Some are more bad than others, but believe me, your team is bad.

Even if the suits upstairs would have grabbed Roy Halladay and Freddy Sanchez, you'd still be bad.

You'd like to say that Detroit and Chicago have great teams.
They don't.

You'd like to say you're banged up.
You're not.

You'd like to say you're out there battling.
You're not.

You'd like to think you're a better team than this.
You're not.

Do you even know how many teams there are in Major League Baseball? There are like, 30, and there are only a few teams that are worse than you. You probably couldn't play for most of the other 29 teams in the league, because you're bad. If your team switched to triple-A ball, you'd only be a little less bad. You've actually lost more games than you've won. You're badness is making Billy Smith look even badder and it's making Joe Mauer want to leave.

I only tell you this because I imagine you butting your jersey, thinking to yourself, "hey, we've got a real chance to win!" That attitude falls upon the restless hoardes of Twins fans - "hey, we've got a real chance to win!" Just stop it. Save us the heartache. Don't button your jersey like that anymore. Let's see a frown.

So for my mental health, and your own, I'll say it again:

You're bad.