Today I Consider Myself...

...the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth

By Michael Haas

Editors note: This may be the most absurd thing ever written. If you don't feel like reading it, I completely understand. Check out yesterdays post for less stupidity.


I had a dream last night that I had a Powerball ticket. It was strange because I never ever participate in Powerball. (ouch I just burned my tongue on my coffee) anyway, the reason that I don't buy Powerball tickets is because I feel that I could never win. I've never been lucky in my whole life. Rain and gloom all of my days. Until today, for today I am a winner, conquered life and mounted it from behind. Because today, I got free food from McDonalds.

It seemed a fairly normal day at the time, but when I think back, I can see that everything was adding up to that moment. I managed to sleep in a bit, by skipping showering and wearing the undershirt that I wore yesterday. Lately, it's been rainy most of the time. But this morning was different. The sun was out and the birds chirped in the cool morning.

As I headed out the door, bound for work, I thought to myself about the day before. Yesterday, I had eaten nothing until around 6pm. It was a gloomy day, and I just didn't feel like eating. But that decision had me feeling as though I were garbage by about 2pm. And I was downright delirious by the time I went to the Wendy's drive-thru.

tangent - This motherfucker at wendys sucks. I once ordered a Buffalo Chicken Sandwhich and he says, "what? how many?" and i said, uhhh just one. he goes oh ok. so i pull up to the pay thinger and this dude goes, what were you talking about back there? I've never heard anyone say 'Multiple Chicken Sandwhiches' usually they just tell me how many they want. and i said wtf. sure enough, i got a normal chicken sandwhich. i was so mad. and yesterday when i went in there i say, gimme a Big Water. and he writes on the screen, Three Waters. I say no dude, just one water when i get up to him. he looks all shocked and mad and says into his mic to the kid up front that i only want one. but sure enough, i get a fucking DRINK TRAY with three small waters in it. i'm the only one in the car. these people are idiots.
tangent done. now back to our regularly scheduled ridiculousness

Not wishing to make a repeat of yesterday, I decided that it might be a good idea to get some breakfast. I don't usually eat breakfast at home - cold cereal in the morning doesn't do much for me. So I figured I would head to Faribault to get a Bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a coffee. And that's exactly what I did. There's no way I could have possibly known what would come next.

I pulled into the drive-thru. There was no one else there, I pulled straight up to the ______ whatever that things called. I thought, hmmm no one in line, must be my lucky day. A gross understatement.

But when i pulled up, nothing happened. Generally, a McDonalds employee will use their sixth sense to feel your presence at the _______ whatever that things called. But today was different. I could hear the thing was on, but no one said anything. I figured they must be busy and might not know I’m there. I began doing a 'gods must be crazy' series of clicks with my mouth to alert them to my existence. Finally a woman came on, and with the voice of an angel, she said, "just one moment" sure, I can wait a moment. it's a nice day and i have no need or desire to hurry into the office. I heard voices, as if it were a heavenly party of girls in the McDonalds drive thru pay booth. and then

She came back on.

What would you like?

I’ll have a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a small coffee.

A small coffee and what?

A bacon, egg and cheese biscuit.

ok that will be 2.98 please pull around.

Sure, I’ll pull around. It’s a lovely day; I’d love to pull around.

I pulled around.

To my surprise, there are about three women crammed around the cash register. I flashed my credit card, and the woman said, 'sorry, it will be just a moment, we’re trying to get our credit card machines online'

No problem I say. While I waited, I checked to see if I had any cash. nope. I fiddled with my baseball glove thinking about our game tonight as the women discussed how to fix their machine. I could sense that the cars behind me were getting anxious. I wasn't worried, this wasn't my fault, and I'm in no hurry.

It was then that a thought crossed my mind. What if the machine doesn't come back on? Would they turn me away? I remembered a time at the very same McDonalds when I gave them my credit card. They swiped it. Then they swiped it again. It wasn't working. I was getting nervous. They told me that my credit card wasn't working. I told them that it had just worked that morning, but here’s another one anyway. They swiped that one. They swiped it again. They told me that one was broken too. I told them they should go try their machines up front. They said no can do, do you have any cash. Of course I don’t have any fucking cash.
I then drove straight to the McDonalds in Northfield, ordered the exact same thing, gave them the exact same credit card, got my food and scarfed.

Would the angelic manager lady really fuck me over again? What does a guy have to do to get a decent breakfast in this town? Horrible thoughts and strange vibes raced through me as I waited...

finally the lady turns to me, just one second from grabbing the credit card from my outstretched hand. But then she exclaimed with a sad sigh that only a woman in power could produce, "we can't get this to work. "

Well I figured as much. Time to think of a new place for breakf--

But then, "We'll just give you your food for free"

I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. I felt bad because she clearly was frustrated about the machine, but I was overjoyed to be getting such a wonderful meal for free. I wanted to comfort her, as I stole a glance at her empty ring finger, but I couldn’t find the words to comfort her nor thank her. Instead, I attempted to show her how happy this made me. I blurted a "really!?!" and then drove ahead to the next window.

When they handed me my food, I was overjoyed. I had given a lot to McDonalds over the years, and they were finally giving back. Whether it was Fast Food Karma or angels from heaven who can't run a credit card machine, it was truly something special.