Jinx the Tigers part two

Editors Note: This is the second of a two part series. Read yesterday's entry before proceeding.


The trio set out from south Minneapolis at 5pm on Thursday, planning to reach Ann Arbor before Friday's sunrise. A flat tire outside of Hudson, Wisconsin proved to be only a minor setback. We remained cool under pressure, even as the tow truck driver emasculated us by twisting the lugnuts free without breaking a sweat. Five hours later, a different automobile was carrying us toward our destiny.

Arriving at the University of Michigan at noon on Friday, we met with our inside man, Travis. After a quick nap at Casa De Travis, the four of us were on our way to the Motor City. On our way, our master of the dark arts, the man with the plan, laid it all out for us. Luke had expressed doubt in his ability to affect any of the important Tigers in a meaningful and negative form. Thus, he had decided his power would be best used to inflict a small amount of damage on a very good player. Indeed, Luke was convinced that placing a light, irritating jinx on Miguel Cabrera was the best way to bring the Central crown to Minnesota.

Entering Detroit was was quick and easy, but had an eerie foreboding feel. It seemed that the freeways were designed to handle the traffic of a large number of people, yet there were almost no other cars around. Additionally, the buildings of Detroit were built with the expectation that tenants would occupy the space, but many impressive structures stood empty. Luke announced his belief that the post-apocalyptic atmosphere would benefit us, as depression and a non-diverse economy usually add to magical powers.

The Tigers lost to the Blue Jays that night, and while the fireworks exploded above our heads, Luke worked his magic. He summoned all his Harry Potter knowledge and ruthlessly cast spells upon Miguel Cabrera and anyone near him. We were on our way home when we realized that our mission was not glamorous or immediately gratifying. We would gain zero fame from this event, because there was no way we would run around saying, "I gave Miguel Cabrera an STD!" And there was a chance the jinx hadn't worked at all. We wouldn't know for quite some time.

So, we went on with our trip. Travis's friend found two tickets to the Wolverine-Irish football contest on the floor of a bar, allowing Tfrezac and myself to join Luke and Travis at the Big House. Afterward, I was offered a warm dog bed in the laundry room, which I graciously accepted.

When we finally arrived back in Minneapolis, we saw it. It was everything we could have hoped for. We've done our part, now it's time for the Twins to give the entire Tigers roster herpes...all the way to the central division crown.

Road Trip: Jinx the Tigers

Editors note: This is part one of a two part series. It's also the dumbest thing you'll read all day.


I apologize for the lack of content around Alright Hamilton lately as the Twins season winds down. We haven't been able to find much humor or entertainment in our hometown team's precarious standing, which hasn't changed much in the past weeks. It's not fun to watch a team float around .500 and fail to pick up ground on a struggling Tigers squad. It's not fun.

With the stagnant state of the Twins season and this blog in mind, Alright Hamilton decided to put together a crack team of supernatural experts, and send them to Detroit for the sole purpose of putting a hex on the division leading Tigers. And that's where our story begins...


Myself and contributor TfRezac share a common goal: to attend a baseball game in all 30 major league cities. Of course, we're in no hurry - mainly because we don't have a lot of scratch to throw around, and partly because we're never in a hurry to do anything. It's a long-term goal, and we believe that as long as we check one unseen stadium from the list each summer, we'll be headed in the right direction. Here's are the parks I've seen, in rough chronological order, at the beginning of the 2009 season.

Metrodome
Wrigley Field
New Comiskey Park
Milwaukee County Stadium
Miller Park
Kaufmann Stadium
Jacobs Field
Busch Stadium II
Busch Stadium III
Coors Field
Dodger Stadium
PETCO Park
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
Great American Ballpark

Although I'd seen games at Wrigley Field and Dodger Stadium this year, they were ballparks I'd already examined. With the season winding down and the Twins playing badly, there was only one thing to do: road trip. And the only stadium that Tony and I hadn't seen which was in remote driving distance was Comerica in Detroit.

After it was decided that Detroit would be the destination, we quickly realized that this simple trip to see a stadium could become much more. The only stadium we could reasonably visit also happened to house the only team standing between our favorite team and the playoffs.

With the knowledge that we'd soon be entering enemy territory, one word sprang to mind: Sabotage. Yet it was unclear how only two men could help bring down a professional baseball team. It was clear that we needed help.

When we first contacted Luke, he agreed that this odd coincidence could indeed mean the fate of the 2009 Twins. We had Luke at the top of our list of baseball road trip associates, as he had accompanied us on many long excursions. Additionally, he had a wealth of knowledge in non-violent forms of sabotage, mainly based within a series of mind tricks commonly referred to as, 'magic,' ;earned from watching and reading Harry Potter.

Next, we needed a man on the inside. We preferred someone local, who could get us in and out quickly, while possibly providing clean water and shelter. An old associate from Summit Avenue was skeptical, yet undeniably amazed at the importance of our plan. Travis offered to host us in a safe house in Ann Arbor, and graciously agreed to guide us the final 40 miles to Comerica Park.

The major players were set. Yet none were sure if the scheme would result in a Twins World Series, or herpes.



Busted? Successful? Learned a valuable lesson?

Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.

Guest post: Mark Teixeira 2009 AL MVP

We here at Alright Hamilton! like to be open-minded. In that spirit, we welcome Yankee fan and avid internet commenter, BronxBoi2, to break down the 2009 AL MVP race.

Hands down Mark Teixeira is your MVP this year without a question. It's undisputable. Sure Joe Mauer is having a good year. He leads the league in batting average. But you idiots have to open your eyes and see that batting average isn't the ONLY STATISTIC!! THERE ARE TWO MORE!!! Did you really think that people wouldn't notice that Mauer is leading the league in only ONE of the THREE STATS?!?!

Tex is pwning Mauer in the other two: RBI and HRs. So, let me check the math...Tex: 2 Mauer: 1. Um, last time I checked TWO IS BIGGER THAN ONE!!!. It's TWICE as many.!!! Tex's stats have been throwing Mauer under the bus all year. Mauer wouldn't be the MVP if it hit him in the face. This MVP race is apples and oranges.

And there are people in baseball society today that say that Mauer is better at slugging than Tex and that is just ignoramous. How can this be possible when Tex has slugged more HR AND RBI?!?! That point is muted.

And who cares if Mauer is a catcher. People say, "That's really good for a catcher." People also say that Candace Parker is good at basketball for a girl but nobody is saying she should be the NBA MVP! It's not Tex's fault that catcher aren't very good at offense. If Mauer wanted to be better at offense he should have played a better position.

Moreover, people that say that Tex's defense is not world class are impunible. Maybe these guys that make up these defensive stats in their mother's basement should actually look up from their calculators and LITERALLY WATCH HIM PLAY!!! I've seen with my own two eyes an insurmountable number of great defensive plays. If he doesn't win a gold glove it will be abominal.

They main reason Tex should win is because the Yankees are way better than the Twins. Seriously, where would the Yankee line-up be without Tex? It would be Johny Damon, Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher, Hideki Matsui, Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, and that's it. They Yankees would be NOWHERE WITHOUT TEX! And the Twins aren't even in the playoffs, so without a doubt end of conversation hands down.

All-White NBA team

Granted, there are plenty of tremendous, gracious, agile white guys in the NBA. Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki have taken home multiple MVP's over the past several years. But let's face it. White People are < Black people at basketball

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Brian Scalabrine

Listen to him during the first minute of this press conference. Who says this? Especially when you're the 10th man on the team?





here's a song I found about him when surfing youtube. I laughed.






Mark Madsen

I know he's a really great person and too easy of a target, but seriously. I still laugh every time I see this video. Just watch it again for the 50th time. I promise you'll still laugh.






I told you.


Brian Cardinal





I remember when this guy played for Purdue. At the time I thought he was 32. Now he gets to launch 3's in a Timberwolves Uniform for one more season. Thank god the 'ol contract is expiring.


Kyle Korver




Wally Szczerbiak

Known as the slowest man in the National Basketball Association, Wally would make a great fit as our go-to wingman. I love how he's one of the only people in the NBA to throw down a dunk, then have the announcer react by laughing out loud.







Marco Jaric



I mean look at his face. It looks like somebody photoshopped it, but this is an unaltered photo. Who needs cap space and future first round picks when you can have this cat-like point guard anchoring your bench?


We've grabbed some players, now lets get some suits.


Head Coach,
Randy Wittman



I couldn't possibly sum up everything related to him and this organization (at the time) any better.


GM,
Kevin Mchale

Man, just look at this asshole. Way to represent everything I dislike about Minnesotans.


Unfortunately, these days are long gone. Now we are stuck with a GM who makes thought out, calculated decisions. Most of them even make sense, too.


Owner,
Glen Taylor



I'm really looking forward to the constant growth of my ears. If he wore a newsboy hat he could be Brian Johnson for Halloween.


Commisioner,
Bud Selig



This guy would make a terrific Commissioner. It's unfortunate that David Stern is capable enough to dress himself in the morning, otherwise he'd be the guy.


The greatest thing about this blog post is that the Timberwolves have previously had 7 of the above, and are quite possibly about to add the eigth. BRING BACK MCHALE



^sarcasm

Monday Notes

-Many of us are rightfully worried about Target Corp. branding their logo on all things Target Field. But if there were an appropriate place for their logo it would be here:
Then, of course, something like, “Hit it here.” That’s a really far HR, but it would be cool if someone actually hit it. Either way, Target Field is the best ballpark in the history of baseball.

-It’s very likely the Twins will have four players with at least 25 bombs. If it happens, it will be the first time since Mount Crushmore’s Tom Burnansky, Kent Hrbek, Gary Gaetti, and Kirby Pucket did it in ’87. Now that we finally have some power in our line up…here we come World Ser…playo…winning rec…

-Here’s a look at some popular websites when they first launched. We have a screenshot of AH! when it first launched?

-Sometimes bad baseball players get immortalized in memorabilia too.

-One thing the Twins starting pitchers did well this year: sharing. Nobody hogged their spot in the starting rotation. In all, eleven different pitchers started for the Twins this year. Sharing is caring. Sometimes at the cost of being good at baseball, but still...

-This is a couple of months old, but former Cubs outfielder, Doug Glanville, was a very entertaining guest on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.” He was an engineering grad from Penn. He’s much more interesting than our former Ivy Leaguer, Craig Breslow. Breslow always kind of bugged me for some reason. Like, “Oh, I could be a life-saving doctor because my sister is sick, but instead I chose to be a MLB LOOGY.” Whatever.

-I love it when new animals are found in remote jungles. That’s why God invented Papua New Guinea. After I feel a little down about some animal that is going to become extinct in a few years I love reading a headline from Papua New Guinea that says, “Dude goes to mailbox, discovers nine new species of toads” The most recent headline is “Lost world of fanged frogs and giant rats discovered in Papua New Guinea.” Awesome. Holmer, I know you’re excited about the giant rats.
-Finally, friends, I want to talk to you about something very important. The olgoi-khorkhoi is gunna git ya!! Yes, that’s the Mongolian Death Worm. It has “the ability of the worm to spew forth sulfuric acid that, on contact, will turn anything it touches yellow and corroded (which would kill a human),[3] and its purported ability to kill at a distance by means of electric discharge”!!!!!!!!!

So maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday you’ll be on a leasurly stroll through the Gobi desert and BAM!!! Your face is being melted by sulfuric acid. Then electrocution. Then your body will be left to rot under the excrement of wild camels. You’ve been warned.

Kevin Mulvey Traded = Santana Trade Was A Bust

Last week the Twins acquired Jon Rauch from the Diamondbacks in exchange for cash and a player to be named later. A couple days ago, the Twins announced they would be sending AAA pitcher Kevin Mulvey to Arizona. Kevin Mulvey is a name familiar to Twins fans because he was dealt to the Twins in The Great Santana Trade of '08.

Here's what Alright Hamilton said about the time Mulvey was trying on his new Twins cap:

Kevin Mulvey, P, 22 years old - He could be alright. Mixes four pitches (not at once.) He could be anywhere between the number 4 starter for the Twins to the number 3 starter for the Red Wings.

The writer of that post encouraged us to 'wait and see' how the players develop before we label the trade a disaster. With the departure of Mulvey, I think it's fair to say that we've waited long enough, and we've seen enough.

As noted above, Kevin Mulvey was projected to be a number one starter. It's been a huge disappointment for the entire organization to watch the centerpiece of the trade languish in the minor league's. After Billy Smith saw the writing on the wall, he finally agreed a change of scenery was the best option for the young phenom. And in admitting that, he admitted that the Johan Santana trade was indeed a disaster.

The public is already against Billy Smith, and he's going to need the other three players from the trade to make a difference. Smith is now Delmon Young's biggest fan.

vikingsingles.net

We here at AH! have talked about creating a fake dating web site for vikings rubes, because, well, that would just be hilarious. We'd have elaborate fake profiles that mirror this dude:

Syd Davy.

Everyone in the 5-state area recognizes him. I mean, read this bio, it's absolute gold. And if you're one of those people who are too lazy (even for internet standards) to click a simple link, watch this video:


The bio linked above is from this gem of a website:

http://www.wearevikingsfans.com/

You make "about me" profiles similar to myface or spacebook, and we could easily turn these into a fake dating website. Just need to come up with female profiles which could get tricky, but it would be far worth it.