Joe Mauer Is the New Denny Hocking

By TwinsWin83

So I don’t know if you’ve heard or not but Joe Mauer signed some kind of blow your mind, wet your pants, pinch yourself to check reality-type deal with the Twins a few days ago. According to most sources, this is the greatest thing to happen to Twins fans, the state of Minnesota, and the majority of people living within the Western Hemisphere since the theatrical release of Little Big League.

Listen, I dig that the Twins signed the player who is the face of the franchise and accounts for a ridiculous amount of their fan-related revenue, but c'mon, who thinks he’s going to catch for the next nine years and be able to continue his current stats throughout that duration? No way. According to recent studies, catching makes you age at the same rate as a golden retriever. It can also lead to acid reflux, lazy eye and type II diabetes. The last thing Twins fans want is a catcher who is 186 in dog years, pops Prilosec like they’re Starburst jellybeans, and can look at both the first baseman and the blonde sitting down the third base line at the same time, all while draining $23 million from the team’s coffer each season.

Joe Mauer is every Minnesotans little 8 pound 6 ounce, newborn, infant baby Jesus. If something were to happen to him, everything we were told would take place on Y2K will happen for real in the Twin Cities. We’re talking about planes falling out of the sky, blackouts, riots, a Timberwolves win, looting, cannibalism and worst of all, Joe Mauer out of the lineup for an extended period of time.

Well I won’t stand for that. I won’t let the Twins brass be responsible for the end of human life in the Upper Midwest. So that means we need to come up with a list of possible spots for Mauer to play instead of catching, which is apparently as hazardous as Ice Truck driving.

1st Base- You might think this is a good spot for a former catcher in transition, but wait. We have another MVP playing there in Justin Morneau. And he’s awesome. Just ask a Canadian. No wait, don’t ask a Canadian. Even general contact with one and you could become sickly; addicted to Molson, hockey and talking shit about America.

Anyways, you can’t push Morneau out of his position. If we lose him who is going to carry the team down the stretch in Septe…….. Who is going to be the outspoken, confident clubhouse lead…… Who is not going to blame the Home Run Derby for his troubles at the pla……. Who is going to give Mauer crap about making a ton of money and try to mooch a supper off him? That’s right, only Morneau can shoulder that burden.

Middle Infield- No way. Nick Punto, Alexi Casilla, Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris can all play those positions. If they can’t get the job done then no one can.

3rd Base- Now this might be a spot for Mauer. We all know about the drama the Twins have had at 3rd since Corey Koskie left the team and returned home to Canada to raise sheep. One of the big qualms about taking Mauer out from behind the plate is that he handles the pitchers so well. Well, there is a simple solution to that problem; Mauer can call the games from his new position at 3rd. With simple hand gestures, audible coughs and sneezes, and the occasional nut-cup check, everyone else in the infield will know exactly what to do. The new catcher will never even have to put down a finger. And this way Mauer can sit back and literally watch his knees heal after years of catching. Who knows, he might steal 60 bases without having to deal with the strain of squatting behind the plate like a dairy farmer at the rear end of a cow.

Outfield- Um, absolutely. Anywhere you put Mauer in the outfield he is going to be awesome. I mean think about how the guy guns down stealing runners at second and third. Just imagine how much harder and straighter his throws will be from the outfield when he can get a running crow-hop. Wow. I mean who is going to tag from second to third when Mauer catches a ball in shallow left? No one, that’s who. And this way the Twins can move Delmon Young back to his natural position, bullpen catcher.

DH- Nope. You can’t make a legitimate case for putting his Golden Ticket Winning Wonka Bar-like talent on the bench except for his plate appearances. Can’t do it, so don’t try. And, call me crazy, but I think Jim Thome's best days are yet to come.

Pitcher- Maybe, if the Twins were a National League team. But the last time I checked baseball-reference.com they were not.

So there you have it. Your viable options are 3rd base and the outfield. What do you mean already knew that? Well then, I am sorry I just wasted your valuable time. I will get back to my Twilight book and you can head back to doing whatever it is that you do. If you’re really bored you can check out the new Twins commercial.