So What's Wrong with Joe? The Injury ABC's

A -
A is for ACL
In his debut he wrecked his knee
In hindsight it was a warning
of how the future would be

B-
B is for back pain
It's always flarin' up
It hurts so damn bad
he can't even wear a cup

C -
C is for Chlamydia
The sexually transmitted disease
It's embarrassing to talk about
and it burns when he pees

D -
D is for dehydration
Joe drinks from fresh water springs
But when those aren't available
he uses one of those camelbak things

E -
E is for Eczema
It's a dryness of the skin
So Joe moved to Florida
(and he won't take taxes on the chin)

F-
F is for Fatigue
Even Joe gets tired
A day game after a night game?
Gardy would get fired!

G -
G is for Gonorrea
Also called the clap
He shouldn't have taken that woman
Home to take a nap.

H -
H is for Hernia
Joe's turning in-side-out
'Internal organs stay inside,'
I once heard Mauer pout.

I
I is for Ingrown Hair
It happens on his face
now he packs a pair of tweezers
with him just in case

J
J is for Jaundice
Cuz of the kidney obstruction
It will turn him the color yellow
and bring love-life destruction

K
K is for Kidney
They had to dig in that
to find some nasty blockage
That wouldn't let him bat

L
L is for Lactose Intolerance
Joe doesn't do dairy
He drank milk while on Price is Right
Then puked on Drew Carey

M
M is for Mad Cow Disease
While Joe isn't a steer
He's had more health problems
than doctors see in a career

N
N is for Neuropathy
When all his nerves go bad
He won't be able to control anything
And Wilson Ramos will be glad

O
O is for Osteoarthritis
His hands hurt when he's hitting
The doctor said it would be better
If he would just give up knitting

P
P is for Panic and Anxiety
It ain't easy being Joe
He doesn't always know what to say
so instead he says, "ya know."

Q
Q is for Quadriplegia
It's hard to play with only your jaw
but Mauer bit down on that bat
And hit everything he saw

R
R is for Restless Leg Syndrome
Tossing and turning an awful lot
All through the night he keeps waking up
To his legs doing a forgotten home run trot

S
S is for Shin Splints
Joe is a very tall guy
So his legs start buckling
By the time it's July

T
T is for Throat Cancer
Joe started smoking to fend off the skeeters
But he wasn't thinking cigarettes when Gardy said
'Lay off the heaters'

U
U is for Ulcer
Mauer's belly doesn't burn with desire
It burns with stress and acid
Like Bruce Springsteen, he's on fire

V
V is for Vertigo
Sometimes Joe can hardly stand straight
Maybe instead of 14 cocktails
He should only have had eight

W
W is for Wandering Spleen
Joe's had it since birth
His organs are leaving him now
Tryin' to get down to Fort Worth

X
X is for Xeroderma Pigmentosum
Joe's skin is burned as soon as it gets sun
Which makes it hard in the summer
But Joe just wears sun block, SPF- one thousand one

Y
Y is for Yellow Fever
Contracted in Africa on a dark, dreary day
From an infected mosquito
He forgot all his bug spray

Z
Z is for Zambusch's Disease
Another problem Mauer's bound to acquire
But I'm still glad he plays here
Cuz he's healthier than Mark Prior