Pat and Tyson's Fédération Française de Football Américian Elite Playoff Preview

It's that other time of year again, when French dudes playing American football try to make the playoffs. Pat McCarthy and Tyson Swaggert are player-coaches in this league. Their team is based in Amiens, and I'm sure they are the worst two players on the field. Baseball allegiances aside, Pat does a nice job of analyzing.....French football.


In the spirit of previews, Tyson and I decided to fill you in on the Federation of French Football American Elite playoff race because, well, we're bored and the clip of Christopher Walken interviewing a centaur did not do enough to stave off said boredom.

So without further ado, the teams that are definitely in the playoffs:

Le Flash: Defending champions, undefeated this year, first seed from the Poule A, Douchebags from Paris. Which presents a problem because douche over here means shower. So they're showerbags, but that's an existential problem that we can solve another day. Our team has lost twice to them by a combined total of 7 points. Basically they suck, but somehow finish the game with more points than the team their playing.

Les Black Panthers: Don't ask me to describe why the teams have a French article and then an English name, that's another discussion for another day. We lost to them 6-0, in perhaps the worst offensive display since the first football game was played in the late 1800's. They also are undefeated and the first seed in Poule B, but play against the Flash, so one of them will have one loss.

Both of the aforementioned teams are in for sure. Our team Les Spartiates, had clinched second place in our Poule, but due to one of the refs our team was supposed to bring (yes, each team needs to bring two refs) did not show the day of the game. The Federation has now said that we forfeit the last game against Les Cougars, which puts us into a tie with two games remaining. Apparently Les Cougars control their own destiny, but we could win an appeal and keep our win against Les Cougars - so basically we have no idea what is going on. Their next two games are against Les Black Panthers and Les Servals (who are also playing for a playoff spot in Poule B).

Les Servals and the Les Argonauts (who we play the last game of the regular season) are both sub-500, but to qualify for the playoffs a team needs to be in the top two (out of 4) in their Poule. So hypothetically, we could win out, making our (official) record 6-4 and not make the playoffs, while a team that is 3-7 qualifies for the playoffs.

Basically, there is no point to this article, it a fustercluck, just like the playoff picture, so don't waste your time reading it. But if you've gotten this far it is likely too late, so sorry about wasting your time. It was a horse, deal with it. (If that sentence does not make sense, watch aforementioned Christopher Walken sketch)

Our predictions:

First for our team, Les Spartiates... we win the next two games while not allowing any points (we've given up 58 points all year, with at least 21 of them being on special teams TD's)

Cougars get stomped twice and pooped on their face (from Tyson being nonsensical about the football gods extracting vengeance for their taking the forfeit).

Le Flash beats Les Black Panthers somehow even though there is no way they should win, but somehow they pull it out. It seems to be the recurring theme of their season. Douchebags.

And no one really cares who qualifies in the second spot from Poule B, because all teams are terrible.

We, or at least, I will be back with my playoff picks when the field is set, because Tyson will likely be back on a plane to the homeland to watch the Twins (hopefully get their ass stomped by the raging BrewCrew).


UPDATE:
The forfeiting the game thing actually happened, so now the team that we've beaten twice and have the same record as controls their own destiny. We would have been better off losing our last game rather than winning and having to forfeit. Fucking laughable man.